


Playing by Ear

by NikuKnight



Category: Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: ADHD, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And general self-confidence issues, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Asexual main character, Character Death, Depression, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, I kind of have an obsession with dreams but tried not to let it bleed over into my writing too much, Like seeing into the main character's mental state, Main Character has a lot of problems, Self-Insert, Slow Burn, So all dreams/nightmares features have a purpose, There ARE lighthearted chapters in case you were worried, You can't make me tag every character and relationship, brought over from fanfiction.net, but maybe I'll do it later, including but not limited to:
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2020-02-09 11:29:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 78,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18637237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikuKnight/pseuds/NikuKnight
Summary: Merra knew she had problems, but waking up in a different world with no idea how she got there? That was a new one. How, exactly, was she going to survive this?Yup, just your average, spontaneously written Awakening SI!





	1. First Impressions

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! I started this story in 2016 on fanfiction.net. I have nothing against the site, but there's nothing wrong with expanding, right? That said, this is the first thing I'm posting on Ao3 and as such I'm completely new to the formatting. Hopefully I don't mess things up too badly.
> 
> The title is more a commentary on the writing style than the story itself, as this was my first fanfiction and there was very little planning involved. But fear not! The first chapter has been rewritten from its original form so no one has to suffer through my early writing mistakes. Not only that, but I have a little more of a plan of where I want this to go. 
> 
> This version does not deviate from the version on fanfiction aside from correcting any typos I've found since posting there. Because I already have twenty-five chapters written, I will post as often as I can manage until I catch up, which is when I will revert to a tentative once-a-month update schedule.
> 
> Before you ask, I am indeed basing this character completely off of my awkward self. Let's see, ADHD, depression, anxiety, and a dash of OCD? Let's add a sword! Sounds like a great idea!
> 
> (Do we have to do disclaimers on Ao3?)
> 
> I do not own Fire Emblem.

"Chroooom! There's another one over here!" A piercing voice invaded my slumber, shocking me out of my sleep with a gasp. Reflexively flailing at the sound, I was surprised when one of my hands actually made contact with something. That was unusual; my family had long since learned to wake me from a safe distance. I retracted my hands so as not to hit anything else and tried to make out what was going on through the absurdly bright light searing my eyes, still blurry from sleep. God, was that sunlight? Was I outside?

I shielded and rubbed at my eyes, hoping that would help me see my surroundings. I couldn't possibly be outside, right? I was…I couldn't remember. Where had I been last? What had I been doing? I last remembered…well, nothing of note, really. Certainly nothing that would lead to being sleeping deeply enough to end up outside without waking up.

My thoughts were interrupted when I was hoisted up by my jacket by a brown-haired man in light blue armor. Huh? F-Frederick? What? "Give me one reason not to gut you here and now."

"I don't know what's goiing oooon…" The world was starting to fade as all the blood rushed from my head. Freaking low blood pressure.

"Frederick, put her down. She's not going to be able to answer if she faints."

I was unceremoniously dropped. I'd complain, but I didn't feel the landing as I had indeed been very close to fainting. Once I was lower to the ground my awareness returned, and I was able to take in the situation at last. I remembered the last voice who had spoken and looked up to be sure I wasn't mistaken. There were four people waiting for me to explain myself: one with blue hair and a familiar one-sleeved onesie, the brown-haired knight who'd picked me up, one with white hair and a dark coat, and a girl with blonde ponytails and a yellow dress. No way. The shepherds? But what if they were like, crazy good cosplayers? It wouldn't explain how I ended up sleeping outside though. And I knew that voice! "Chrom?"

The now confirmed-to-be Frederick sighed heavily and scowled. The royal in question just laughed and said, "Does every stranger know my name today?"

Frederick butted in to tell him to take what was obviously some badly-planned spy mission seriously, but instead of listening I got distracted by my thoughts again. I'm talking to the Shepherds! So cool! But is it actually happening, or just a dream? I'd never really questioned reality before, but I'd be damned if I just took this at face value and just assumed it was one or the other. Sure, if I just assumed this was reality and it turned out to be a dream, it would just be a bit disappointing, but if I assumed it was a dream and did something stupid, well, that was going to be embarrassing. And if there was one thing I couldn't handle, it was embarrassment.

"Does anyone have a book, or something that can be read?" Fun fact: trying to read breaks my dreams. It's the only noticeable flaw to my subconscious imagination.

The conversation-slash-argument about trust issues halted at the unexpected question. What kind of person—whose life was possibly in question—asked for something to read, of all things?

It was Robin who ended up coming to my rescue. "I have one," he said, taking out his thunder tome and holding it out for me.

I think I heard Frederick mutter something about this being staged, but I gladly took the offered tome and hoped I wasn't blushing. Damn my stupid crush! Pushing my emotions aside before I made a fool of myself, (ignoring the fact that I already had with my previous actions) I opened the tome and saw that this…didn't prove anything. Reality wasn't crashing, the letters and words weren't moving, and I couldn't read it, period. There were just mystery scribbles that were probably letters, but it was all greek to me. So much for that idea.

'Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.' Unless my subconscious had made a personally unprecedented leap in quality, I could only assume that this was reality. It didn't rule out this being some elaborate cosplaying scheme, but really, who would go through all this trouble only to add an unwitting character who never existed in the game?

I closed the book, handing it back to Robin. "Thanks." I knew for a fact that I was blushing this time, and I couldn't look him in the eyes, but that was more out of embarrassment than anything else.

I realized I was still on the ground from being dropped and scrambled to my feet. I was in such a hurry to get up that I almost lost my balance on the way before I finally stood up straight with a flushed face. There went that first impression.

I looked up to see Frederick still glowering at me.

"What? I'm clumsy!" I defended.

I heard Lissa giggle while Chrom looked on quizzically. Frederick was still not amused. "However disarming you may hope your performance to be, you have yet to explain yourself. Your clumsiness did not hamper your accuracy when you hit Lady Lissa, and you still haven't explained how you know Milord Chrom."

Oh, so Lissa was the one I hit when I flailed? I turned to her and apologized. "I'm so sorry for slapping you earlier! I'm a pretty violent sleeper."

Lissa looked unsure of how to reply, so Chrom spoke next, sounding concerned. "What were you doing sleeping in a field? You wouldn't happen to know Robin here, would you?"

"Um…" I started. What was I going to tell them? No way was I going to pull off amnesiac, but I didn't think I'd be able to pretend to normally live here either. I didn't know enough of the lifestyle. I didn't have long to come up with anything without looking too suspicious. Did I want to warn them about anything? How could I sound credible without sounding like I planned for it to happen? Actually, speaking of warnings, how did we have this much time to talk? Wasn't there a town on fire nearby?

Right on cue, Lissa exclaimed, "Chrom! Look!" And pointed at a pillar of smoke in the distance. How convenient. Saved by the fire! Now I had more time to come up with what I was going to tell them.

"We'll talk about this later!" Chrom called back as he, Lissa, and Frederick ran towards the flaming town, leaving Robin and I behind where it was safe.

There was silence for a moment.

_So…now what?_

"Well?" Robin asked expectantly.

"Well what?"

"Do you know me?" He looked at me, hope in his eyes.

Crud, and here I thought I'd have more time to think of something! When in doubt, I normally tell the truth, and with Frederick already on my case that seemed like a really bad idea. Although…come to think of it, there was one thing I came up with for situations like this! (Proof that I read too much fanfiction) Hopefully I could pull it off.

"I think I know of you. You have amnesia, right?" Oh man, if he didn't have amnesia I was in the wrong timeline. God, Naga, Grima, _anyone_ please don't let me be in that timeline!

My fears were eased when Robin nodded. "I think that's what Lissa called it."

_Thank whatever deity is listening._

"I, uh, used to know a psychic. She told me stories that had you, Chrom, Frederick and Lissa in them. I was hoping to tell everyone together when I was sure Frederick wouldn't kill me."

"Oh," he looked down. Guess that wasn't the answer he was hoping for. There was another pause. "Think we should've followed them?"

Well, we had to if we were going to follow the game, but I couldn't exactly fight. Robin had his sword and magic, but all I found in my pockets was a pen, and this was not the time to see if the pen was mightier than the sword. (Or axe, in the case of the brigands in Southtown.) "Probably, but I don't want to be a burden. I don't seem to have anything with me to fight with."

"I don't know if I'll be much help, but I'm not losing track of the only people I know right now. I'm going." And with that he took off in the direction the others had gone.

I sighed. "Well who am I to refuse to help people in need? If I stay out here I'll probably get mugged or something," I tried to convince myself as I followed. I was going to die, wasn't I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It should be noted that this is written under the assumption that those reading have played Fire Emblem: Awakening because there's almost no exposition to this story at all. I have to state that specifically because I was reading Awakening fanfiction before I even played a Fire Emblem game! I have a bad habit of doing that, actually. 
> 
> As for the dreaming test, if it was a dream Merra would have been able to read the tome even if she didn't actually know what the squiggles were, or trying to read them would cause a massive headache and the rendering of the dream breaking down to simpler shapes. Of course, since writing this, I've gotten a lot better at reading in dreams. There’re still some problems depending on the dream, but that indicator is pretty much kaput now. Now the only way to be sure is if my electronics don't type right. I can hit all the right letters on the keyboard but it will type nonsense. 
> 
> Sorry, dreams are kind of my obsession. I could talk about them all day. Ignore me.


	2. First Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fire and fights, not to be confused with firefights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to see my old author's notes (which I find most of them to be extremely entertaining) they're on fanfiction. My username there is o realisticFantasy o. Yes, I used to be a filthy Homestuck. Never wrote about it though...
> 
> Eh, maybe I'll copy some of the highlights here. 
> 
> So remember when I said I was basing this character entirely off of myself? Ha, I lied. If I was being honest then I'd probably be dead before I even made it to the garrison. I'd like to think I could at least make it through the prologue though! If an amnesiac could do it, right? Anyway, in order for Merra to survive the story I'm just going to make one or two traits related to survival a little more exaggerated. For example, my reactions are phenomenal but my strength is beyond puny. As a result even though I can see an opening or a hit coming a mile away I wouldn't be able to swing a sword fast enough to hit or block because it'd be too heavy for my weakling arms. (Trust me, I've tried.) So for the story we're pretending I'm strong enough to swing a dang sword, got it?

I knew I was out of shape, but running to the town took a lot more out of me than I cared to admit. When I finally made it I could hardly breathe, and it wasn't because of the smoke. (Though I would totally blame it on the smoke if anyone asked.)

It took an embarrassingly long time to recover from sprinting without warming up, and the heat generated from it was too much for the weather I was dressed for. My boots were warm, but there wasn't much to be done about that. If I loosened them I'd be even clumsier than usual. What I could do was tie my jacket around my waist and put my hat on my belt loop to cool down. I was surprised I hadn't gotten asked about my clothes actually. Really, were baseball caps secretly common? Oh, there went my focus again. It was time to focus on helping out now, not thinking about clothes!

Robin was nowhere in sight, and neither were the Shepherds or the bandits who were raiding the town. Houses burned on either side of the street, and people were running this way and that as they tried to rescue others from the destruction.

I thought about helping them, really I did! But their part of the chaos was never mentioned in the game, and I didn't know what would happen if I stayed out of the prologue's fight. Would I be forgotten, and left here in Southtown? As nice as it would be to stay away from the danger of fighting, if there was one thing I knew about the Shepherds it was that food and shelter were provided pretty much free of charge. Not only that, but you even get paid! I never liked the military, but fighting with the Shepherds sounded much better than living on the streets in a world I was unfamiliar with. With them I might even get strong! (…ish.) Really, the choice was easy. My pride wasn't going to let me avoid the fight anyway.

I stopped the nearest townsperson and asked for directions to the town square. "That way," the maiden said, pointing. I started in the indicated direction without waiting for her to finish. I was already late!

"Wait! Don't go there! There's bandits!" She yelled after me, but I waved her off and kept running. _Oh_ my legs were going to be sore later! But I couldn't let that stop me. If I couldn't do this then I might as well quit, and I refused to do that.

* * *

 

I knew I was in the right place when I nearly tripped over a smelly guy with an axe. I caught myself before I actually fell, but I also caught the attention of the bandit. He turned from the supply cart he was pillaging (really? Eating on the job?) and swung his axe at me. I jumped back with a curse, barely dodging the blade slicing the air. He swung again, I dodged again. Rinse. Repeat. With adrenaline fueling me and my reflexes, I could do this all day.

Unfortunately, so could he, and if I made a mistake I'd probably die. I chanced a glance behind me and saw I was running out of space to dodge. Crud, time for a new plan. I needed to think, but I couldn't afford to take my attention off my attacker! It was only a matter of time before I tripped over my own feet…but I wasn't the only one who could make mistakes. I redoubled my efforts to concentrate on the ruffian and noticed the width of each swing; It was way too wide. I'd initially ignored the mistake because I had no weapon to exploit it with, but _maybe_ I could still use it. I waited until there was only a foot or two between my back and the burning house I was being herded towards, and when the bandit reached the end of his swing I used the wall as a springboard to ram myself into his axe arm. The axe's momentum tore the weapon from his grip when the impact caused him to loosen his hold, lodging itself in the ground nearby.

Success! Now we were on even ground. Neither of us had weapons. But I had rammed myself into his arm, and so he took the opportunity to grab me in a choke hold. _Stupid!_ I hadn't thought that one through.

And jeez, did I mention that this guy stank?

My feet left the ground when he straightened up, but that was his big mistake. With that my feet had room to swing, allowing me to kick him in the jewels. He went down like a stone. I dropped to the ground coughing, blinking the black from my vision for the second time that day, but this time I was smiling.

"Yes!" I had managed to defeat someone without dying!

* * *

 The fight was going about as well as Robin expected, all things considered. Not that he knew what to expect. He had no memory to base any expectations off of, so as far as he knew it was perfectly normal to have an uncanny understanding of each individual skirmish. With a quick exchange of words with Chrom and some hurried commands he was able to direct the fight to the Shepherds' favor. Frederick was defending Lissa as she healed Chrom, who was still fighting through the slash to his arm. Robin was standing back from the fight a bit, casting a Thunder here and there when a brigand would otherwise have landed a hit. It was a strange, but surprisingly effective system.

An unexpected "Yes!" diverted Robin's attention from the skirmish in front of him to the celebrating figure a short distance behind him. He didn't know whether to be grateful or concerned that the girl from the field had followed him to protect the town, so he settled for a little bit of both. Concern quickly took over however when he saw her complete lack of weapon. What was she thinking coming here without something to defend herself with?! And drawing attention to herself by yelling?

Then Robin noticed the brigand writhing in pain on the ground. Oh. That was one way to do things. But it wasn't likely to work forever. Robin was pretty sure there were only a couple brigands left, all of which were engaged fighting with Chrom, but if he had missed the one she had dealt with then he couldn't be sure.

Better to be safe than sorry. Robin was pretty sure that was a saying somewhere, right? It seemed like sound logic. "Hey! Miss!"

* * *

 "Hey! Miss!"

I almost jumped out of my skin, reflexes still overreacting from the adrenaline. Was that Robin? I glanced around in the direction I heard his voice come from until I spotted him several yards away. How convenient that the axe-man brought the fight closer to the Shepherds! As soon as I located him he shouted, "Next time, get a weapon!" and threw his sword at me. _He threw his sword at me!_ Who does that?!

Instead of trying to catch it like I think he intended me to do I did the sensible thing and got the heck out of the way. I tripped over the unfortunate brigand I had momentarily forgotten about, who ended up getting bludgeoned in the gut by the sword's hilt. Poor guy. It was just not his lucky day.

"Dude! What the hell!" I screeched in indignation. I got off my butt and grabbed the sword before the fallen brigand could. He may have been down for the count but he could always recover.

Robin, for his part, looked like he was at a loss for what he could have done wrong. Fine. A battle was not the time for pettiness; I'd let him off the hook. There were better things to pay attention to anyway.

I took pity on the groaning brigand behind me and knocked him out by kicking him in the head. I kicked him pretty hard, harder than I'd hit anyone before, just to make sure he was actually out. I didn't want to take any chances. But did I kick him too hard? Should I check his pulse? Would that be stupid? Would I be considered weak for that? He was the enemy, and just a brigand no less. Not someone important. But still…

Perhaps I was deluding myself, but there was little reason to kill or permanently maim someone who could just be knocked out instead. I didn't need that kind of guilt weighing on me yet if I could help it. If only defeated foes would just disappear like they did in the game! You never had to worry what became of them after that.

Glancing around to make sure I wasn't about to be attacked, I quickly knelt down to check for a pulse. Stinky's neck was gross and sweaty, but his pulse was definitely present and fine. I internally laughed at myself for ever thinking I could hit someone hard enough to kill, even with one of my once-formidable kicks. As if I was strong enough for that!

I forced myself to get back to at least thinking of more productive things. If I stopped for much longer the adrenaline would wear off, and then I'd be even more useless than usual. It looked like Chrom and Robin were taking on the boss brigand while Lissa took a break. Frederick was giving me the evil eye. What had I done wrong now?

I was hesitant to piss Frederick off even more, but I also didn't know what he was so suspicious of me for (besides existing) so I chanced approaching.

"Problem?" I asked when I got close.

Rather than answering the knight just looked at me like I was some kind of filth. Okay…awkward. I left him alone and scooted closer to Lissa. Hopefully she had forgiven me for slapping her earlier.

Lissa must have seen the discomfort on my face because she made to to reassure me. "Don't mind Frederick, he's suspicious of everyone!" So I guess she saw that interaction back there. Smooth, me, smooth.

I remembered the knight's title, Frederick the Wary. It had seemed funny on the other side of the screen, but I could see now that it was going to get annoying pretty quick. Best way to deal with it was probably just to move past it. If I let it get to me I'd be even jumpier than usual, and that would look suspicious too!

"Alright. But is there anything I can do? I feel kind of useless standing here doing nothing."

Lissa thought for a moment. "Chrom and Robin have their fight well in hand, so I guess you could watch for any stragglers? You did get that last one after all."

"Can do!" I stood a little straighter with pride for someone noticing my accomplishment. Maybe I wouldn't be a burden after all!

Hm. That was starting to sound like a complex. Not a bad complex to have, since it fueled the desire to be useful, but I should probably be careful. I could be taken advantage of very easily with such a simple motive; I'd seen it happen before.

I shook myself out of my thoughts again and dutifully watched for any shady movements. A townsperson scurried across an alley causing me to twitch, but I stilled myself again. Refocus. Lissa shifted a bit and I almost cut her in half with the sword I forgot I was holding as I jumped towards the unexpected sound. She froze; I froze.

Shit. This looked pretty bad. Um.

"I'll just ah, step over here…" I said hesitantly. I awkwardly brought the bronze sword closer to my person and took a few generous steps away from her, making sure to keep her between me and Frederick. If he had been giving me the stink-eye before I could only imagine the glare I'd be getting now.

I tried to center myself again to keep watch, but my mind was still trying to go over what had just happened. I was holding a dangerous weapon and needed to remember that. Lissa had almost paid for my mistake. Should I apologize? That would go over well. 'Hey, sorry for trying to attack you for the second time today. They were both accidents, I swear!'

My paranoia senses were tingling, so I snuck a glance behind me. (I didn't dare look at Frederick) Chrom was watching me with a somewhat concerning expression while Robin practically exploded a ball of electricity on the boss. The sound of the boss hitting the ground took Chrom's attention off of me and back to Robin, but I was still uneasy. Chrom had probably just seen me attack his sister out of nowhere. The prince may have been trusting to a fault, but that would only get me so far.

Lissa also noticed the fall of the last brigand and was already on her way to check on the victors. Frederick followed, now keeping himself between me and Lissa. Understandable, considering. I lagged behind to keep a little distance from what I considered to be the biggest threat to my health at the moment.

The post-battle dialog was already under way by the time I got there. Letting the words drift to the background of my mind, I tried to assess how deep a hole I had just dug myself based on everyone's facial expressions. The only one who didn't seem completely unconcerned was of course Frederick the Wary, from whom I was receiving a glare worthy of Batman. I "eep"ed and hid behind Robin. This action did not go unnoticed and and I got a raised eyebrow from the tactician while Chrom sent an are-you-kidding-me-Frederick-you're-scaring-her-again look towards the knight.

I internally cringed at my own behavior. I wasn't always this skittish. I used to be confident and calculating. But I had failed a few too many times since then and been told off by a few too many people. Getting manipulated and developing some major anxiety put an end to my days of not letting anything bother me. Not to mention I had a feeling I was off my meds. I didn't remember how I had apparently gotten inside a video game, or stuck in the world it was based on, but I seriously doubted the universe had been kind enough to let me take my ADHD medicine first. That explained why I kept getting lost in my thoughts and why I was so jumpy. Actually no, I was always that jumpy. But normally I could at least pay attention to a conversation and right now I wasn't even managing to do that, and that was proof enough to me.

Dear Naga, was the world ready for me off my medications?

It was a legitimate concern. I had the most severe case of ADHD my doctors had ever seen. Off my medicine I was so annoying, I even annoyed myself! That's bad enough on its own, but I would go into withdrawal without my anti-depressants. Maybe the world could handle me, maybe, but I might not be able to handle the world without those pills. I needed to learn how to go without all of them, starting now. The first thing to do was to actually listen to what was going on around me again. Right. Hopefully I hadn't missed anything important.

I tuned back in to…silence? Had I really missed the whole thing? They were all looking at me. Perfect, I was supposed to say something.

"Um, I'm sorry, I just missed everything you just said. What was the question?"

"Milord, I told you, she can't be trusted. She obviously thinks if she plays dumb she can get away with anything."

Rude. "I'm right here you know."

Frederick turned to me. "Then care to explain why you attacked Lady Lissa again?"

Chrom's gaze was serious too. "I'd like to know that as well."

"That—that was an accident! I was on my toes looking for any lingering brigands and she moved and I reacted and I'm not used to having a sword!" I said all in one breath. I noticed my hands were shaking more than normal and started taking slower breaths to calm myself. Give me a physical fight any day, I could (sorta) handle that—it was the social stuff that got to me.

Chrom must have seen it because his stern expression softened. "Let's start over with something easier. What's your name?"

Ha, stupid me; Of course I forgot to introduce myself. "Merra. My name is Merra."

"Do you have a place to go Merra?" Chrom asked.

"No," my eyebrows furrowed as I tried once again to remember how I had gotten from my world to Ylisse, "I have no idea how or why I was in that field, or how to get home."

"Are you amnesiac too?" Lissa asked. Ah, the lucky question. Time for that cover story.

"No. I remember my life and who I am, just not how I got here." I hesitated, readying to launch into the whole friend-of-a-psychic story so I could make it convincing.

Frederick got impatient before I could even start. "Milord, this is ridiculous. Her story is as unbelievable as Robin's. We have no time to humor a spy. Did you not notice how friendly she was with that band of ruffians? She didn't even bring a weapon!"

"I wasn't thinking!" I said defensively, stepping out from behind Robin to be heard. "I fought that guy anyway, didn't I?"

"Obviously staged," he sniffed. "Otherwise she wouldn't have checked to see if he was okay once she had won."

"Well excuse me for never having killed someone before!" I raised my voice this time. I should have known that was a mistake.

Chrom intervened then. "Peace, both of you. It's easy to see that her clothes are foreign. I've never seen anything like them, so she must be from somewhere far away. Merra, you were at a disadvantage against that brigand if you truly fought him without a weapon, and yet you still won. That's no easy task. You have nowhere to go, so how would you feel about joining the Shepherds?"

My breath caught. "Even though I accidentally attacked Lissa twice?"

"As you said, those were accidents, and with proper training we can prevent that from happening again." Chrom was smiling now.

"Then yes!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for dumping all that medicine stuff on you. I'd leave it out of the story if it wasn't such a big influence on my personality. I'm whole different person off my meds than I am on my meds. Except for the shaking. The shaking is both a symptom and a side effect, so I'll never escape it!
> 
> When I first started this story I wasn't sure if I was going to add romance or not, as I am asexual and most everyone in Awakening are not, as they all have biological children. That, and I've never had a romance work out before? I didn't know it at the time, but it turns out I'm aromantic as well. As you can see by the tags, Merra is going to end up with Robin (eventually) despite that. I've had a friend ask me how I can like Robin if I'm aromantic, and my answer is that, being fictional, there's no risk to liking him. If you don't count him, then I've never felt romantic feelings that I know of in real life. 
> 
> Long story short, I don't really care if labels and such don't match up. I did not know about that particular facet of my personality at the time of writing this, and thus neither does Merra. So yeah, I call their ship Merrobin and I am in too deep. Save me.


	3. First Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares, zombies and bugs, oh my!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may or may not be the last chapter I'm posting today. This is also the longest chapter in the story so far (and by so far I mean that I've written, so out of twenty-five chapters instead of just three) at about 6k words. It was after this chapter that I gave myself a goal of 3k words so I wouldn't go so far over.

After the always-entertaining discussion about not staying in town we set off towards the capital. The pace was brisk, but not horribly so. I may have been out of shape but I was accustomed to walking. At home I lived a couple miles away from a college campus where a friend happened to be going, so we walked back and forth all the time. I had a feeling the walk from Southtown to Ylisstol was going to be a lot longer than from home to campus however.

I bit back another curse—what was with me today? I normally had more control than that—as I regained my footing after nearly twisting my ankle on the uneven ground. That was the other difference between walking here and at home: there were no sidewalks here, and the long grass blocked the ground from view, making it impossible to see the bumps and dips. My boots shielded my ankles far better than my tennis shoes would have though, so I supposed it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

The walk was mostly silent except for Lissa's occasional complaining. I sighed as her comments reminded me of the aches in my own feet. I'd complain too if there was anything I could do about it, but they'd probably hurt worse if I stopped moving. Human feet were built for movement after all. Still, it didn't stop the ache of overuse.

I tried to distract myself by thinking of other things. But what was there to think about? I guess I could start naming pokemon until I started repeating myself. I started with grass types before moving on to water types. _Mmmm, water._

"Naga I'm thirsty," I said before I even knew I was speaking.

Ever the gentleman, Chrom offered me his water. Before I could accept the water skin Frederick stepped in again, holding out his instead. "I would prefer you took mine. Milord shouldn't be without his water." Chrom rolled his eyes but put his drink away.

I allowed myself a few generous swallows as I carefully waterfalled the offered drink before holding it back out for Frederick.

"Keep it. You probably poisoned it anyway."

Aw, but I was so careful! Dumb paranoid knight, now I felt guilty for taking his water. "Did you see how careful I was? My lips never touched this thing. How could I poison it?"

"One does not have to touch something to hex it."

Who did he think I was, Tharja? Although I did have that crush on Robin…maybe we had more in common than I thought. Still though, I didn't know enough about hexes to counter Frederick's argument, so I gratefully (and guiltily) tucked the waterskin away in my jacket. At least the sun was no longer beating down. It was still light out, but wouldn't be for long. It was dusk; my favorite time of day.

"I told you—it's getting dark already! …Ech! And now the bugs are out! Noisy, disgusting bugs that buzz around and crawl all over and bite you when—ack! Won goph in mah mouph! Blech! Ptooey!"

Why hello there canon dialog. Didn't see you there.

"Aw, come on now, Lissa. 'Hardship builds character'" I mouthed the words as Chrom said them. "Want to help me gather firewood?"

"Tpht! Tpht! Yeeeeeuck! …I think I swallowed it…"

"My dad says bugs are good protein." I chipped in. Ever the scientist, my dad.

"Well he can go eat twenty then. That was disgusting." Lissa pouted. "And I'll pass on finding firewood, thanks. I think I've built QUITE enough character for one day."

Robin's stomach made itself known with an impressive rumble. "We should probably think about food. I don't know about you, but I'm starving." He looked a bit sheepish as he said it.

I grinned an evil grin my friends knew to be leery of. "Maybe you should join Lissa's feast of bugs then."

"it was ONE BUG!" Lissa cried indignantly.

Robin looked unsure of how to respond. "I'll…pass, thanks."

"Let's save the bugs for a last resort," Frederick interjected, "I think a little hunting and gathering is in order. Now, who wants to clear a campsite?"

"I'd rather gather firewood…" I mumbled. I looked around at our surroundings. When had we entered woods?

* * *

We ended up splitting into three groups. Lissa and Robin cleared a campsite, Chrom and I went out to gather firewood (much to Frederick's displeasure) and Frederick went hunting.

Okay, maybe I was avoiding Robin a little bit. What can I say? I do dumb things when I'm nervous. I was afraid I'd say something stupid, or even worse, (and more likely) go totally mute and force us to work in awkward silence.

At least Chrom reminded me of my actual boyfriend, so he was easier to work with.

"So. How do we start?" At Chrom's look of bafflement I elaborated. "Does firewood just conveniently lay around or do we have to start climbing trees?"

It took a second, but Chrom got his words working again. "Have you never gathered firewood before?"

"Nope! That's normally my cousins' job." Every year I went camping for a week with my cousins and grandparents. I was one of the youngest cousins, so on the special occasions we made a fire I got smaller jobs like helping Grandma cook or putting lights up around the campsite. The older cousins gathered firewood. It made perfect sense back home, but I guess a fire was more important here. "Is that weird?"

"A little," he said, giving me a weirded-out look that spoke volumes. "Gathering firewood is pretty self-explanatory. It does lay around pretty conveniently I guess."

I nodded sheepishly. Guess I was overthinking things again. I followed Chrom's example and began picking up loose sticks and small logs to take back to the campsite.

When my arms were debating whether or not to buckle I finally decided I had gathered enough firewood and started heading back to camp. Or tried to. Which way was camp again…? These trees didn't look very familiar, and I couldn't rely on Chrom to guide me because we had gone our separate ways to find firewood at our own pace. I should have paid closer attention to where I was walking!

My arms started to shake as the wood felt heavier and heavier in my grip. I had gathered the limit of what I could carry in an effort to impress, or at least be less of a drain on the shepherds' resources, and now it was coming back to bite me. Great.

I tried to ignore the increasingly noticeable weight and think of a solution. I could pick a random direction and hope it was the right way, but the odds of finding camp were definitely against me. I quickly dismissed the idea. I was never much of a gambler. They say you can't win if you don't try, but you can't lose either. So if I didn't do that, my other options including calling out for help, which would be both embarrassing and idiotic because it would draw the attention of potential predators, or waiting where I stood. I could try to make a fire of my own to be found more easily and give myself some light (the trees blocked what little light the sky still offered) or I could sit and hope Chrom would go back to camp without me and start the real campfire so that I had a beacon to follow myself.

"Need any help with that?" Chrom suddenly appeared, shocking me into dropping all the firewood I had gathered.

"Nono! I'm fine!" I tried to recover, dropping to my knees so I could retrieve everything I had dropped. _Great going, Merra!_

"Man, how did I carry all this?" I muttered to myself. Picking up all the wood was proving to be a challenge. Every time I tried to pick up the last piece I'd drop another one. After this happened four times I gave up and got to my feet. Chrom was waiting patiently for me to finish, easily carrying twice what I was. Sigh.

"Got everything?"

"Yeah."

"Then let's get this back to camp and see what Frederick got for dinner." I snickered internally at that, knowing what was coming. He then turned in a direction that I would never have picked trying to get back on my own and started walking. Really? I thought I had a better sense of direction than that!

Back at camp there was already a fire pit dug and Frederick was back, skinning a bear. I stared in awe at the sight. In the game it never shows the bear (or the meat) so it never really sunk in how impressive it was. Think about it though: A single knight was able to take down a BEAR, without injury, with a lance. Or a sword or an axe, considering he could use all three, but his silver lance was the best weapon on him. Point is that bears are resilient creatures. I've heard of one getting shot in the heart and surviving, so the fact that this one was felled by a lance was really something.

There was pride in Frederick's eyes when he caught me staring. As there should be. I stopped my staring though to inelegantly drop my armful of wood into the fire pit. Finally, relief!

I laid down on the ground, exhausted. "I hope no one needs help with anything, because I am staying right here until food's ready." No one objected and I was left in peace. So much so in fact, that before I knew it I had drifted…off…to sleep…

* * *

I was sitting at a courtyard lunch table at school with my friends. That was strange; hadn't I already graduated? I could have sworn I was done with this.

I turned to the person next to me, who happened to be my boyfriend, Aaron, to ask about it. "Didn't we already graduate?"

"Don't I wish," he responded, "but we still have a couple more weeks, love."

Nononono. I was done with this. I knew that for a fact. I had gotten my diploma, I had moved, I had—gotten stuck in Fire Emblem?

Ugh, even reality was starting to sound like a dream. Wait a second. Was this a dream too? That would explain how I was back in school. Unless graduating was just a really vivid, drawn out dream instead?

I needed something to read. That would clear things up. Seeing a textbook sticking out of Aaron's bag, I grabbed it without asking. If this was a dream it wouldn't matter anyway.

"Sure Merra, you can borrow my textbook," Aaron amusedly said as if I had asked for it.

"Thank you," I muttered distractedly. I had opened the book to read it, but all it said was nonsense like "chemistry is the brain of the number" and stuff like that. I started to get a splitting headache as the words kept changing, so I quickly closed the book before I ended up breaking what I now knew was a dream.

When I looked up from the book I saw that the world was different than it was before. We were still in the courtyard, but now we were surrounded by trees. My friends acted like nothing had changed, so I didn't say anything.

There was a sort of groaning hiss behind me and a curl of dread settled in my stomach. _Please don't turn into a zombie dream. Please. Pretty please._ With no small amount of fear I turned to look at the noise's source.

Risen. That was a new one. I went for my sword but remembered that this had been a school dream so I didn't have one. Across the table, one of my friends screamed.

The risen's head jerked towards the sound, its attention now on us. It took a step towards us and I froze. What was I supposed to do? I didn't have a weapon! Using the knowledge that this was a dream I tried to make one appear in my hand, but it was no use. My subconscious wasn't going to let me off that easy.

"Oh no you don't!" Aaron yelled— _and where did that sword come from_ —and leapt at the undead creature, sword aimed forward to strike. But instead of getting stabbed the risen passed right through the blade like it wasn't there, slamming its arm into Aaron and throwing him back. When he landed he vanished like he never existed.

"Aaron!" Where did he go?!

Of course, crying out was a mistake because it brought the risen's attention back to me. I tried to back up as it came towards me but found I couldn't move my legs, the dream holding them in place. I could only watch as it bore down, claws readying to make mincemeat of—

"Merra!" Suddenly Robin was there and the risen struck him instead. The cliche move was no less horrifying, his cry of pain sounding far more real than anything I heard in Super Smash Brothers. But he was still standing, so the risen struck him again, and this time he stayed down.

"No! Robin!" I found that my feet could move again and I rushed forwards, not caring that I was running towards the risen as I ran to the tactician.

He was coughing up blood and struggling to breathe on his back when I got to him, but there was nothing I could do to help. His front was in shreds; the risen's claws must have pierced a lung, which would explain his coughing. Then he went quiet, and I looked at his face. He had…he had choked on his own blood. He was dead. But his eyes were still trained on something behind me.

I knew what was coming, but turned around anyway to see the risen looming over me, seemingly blocking all the light from the sky.

Finally the fear was too much and I woke up with a gasp that would make a vacuum proud. My heart was pounding and I was hyperventilating, but I was safe.

Holy mother of god, thank Naga that was just a dream.

But was it? I mean yeah it was a dream, but I would have to worry about all of those things soon anyway. Well, except graduating.

Aaron wasn't here. He had disappeared along with my whole world as surely as he vanished in my dream. I couldn't get to him from this world. It was too soon to lose hope of getting back, but the idea that I didn't know how to get home was scary nonetheless.

Then I'd have to worry about the risen. They were coming tonight and they were coming in numbers. I had to be ready for them. They weren't going to go easy.

_The worst nightmares are the ones that don't change when you wake up._

"Are you okay? I was just about to wake you up…" I was startled out of my brooding thoughts by an anxious Lissa, who was just outside of flailing distance. I guess she had learned her lesson.

I looked around for a certain face, passing over an impassive knight and a concerned lord to land on one very much alive tactician. Thank the gods, it really was just a dream.

Crisis over, I felt exhausted all over again from the day's activities. "I'm fine Lissa, it was just a really awful dream. Thanks for your concern though." I rubbed my eyes in an attempt to wake myself up. I was NOT going back to sleep after that, no thank you.

"I never heard your answer before. So you do know Robin?" Chrom asked.

"Why do you ask?"

"You yelled his name in your sleep. It doesn't seem like something a stranger would do."

What was this? A chance to tell my cover story? I bet I was going to get interrupted again.

"I've never met him prior to today. Or any of you. I never thought I would get to either. I know of you from a friend. She's a psychic. She used to tell me of the adventures you'd all one day go on, and they all start when you meet an amnesiac in a field outside of Southtown."

There, I finally got to say it. Now was that so hard?

Apparently it was, because I was receiving a few blank looks and a scowl. Maybe psychics weren't actually a thing?

"A psychic." Frederick the Scowling One sounded unamused.

"Yes?" Sounding unsure wasn't going to help my case, but what if psychics weren't actually a thing?

"Forgive me for being skeptical, but how do you expect us to believe such a fabrication?"

"Well I'm not going to tell you your future if that's what you want," I said, ignoring the "aw" of disappointment from Lissa. "I'm not the psychic. I just know a few stories."

"And what stories would these be?" Frederick pried. He poked at the meat over the fire with a stick while he waited for an answer.

Ugh, fine. What was something I could say that wouldn't look like I had planned it, but also wouldn't change anything too badly? I couldn't say anything about the earthquake. Somehow I'd probably get blamed for magic-ing it up. Hm… "Before we get to the capital, we'll run into an archer named Virion. The archest of archers!" At the continued odd looks I giggled. "It's his silly catchphrase. I can't prove anything else right now; you'll have to wait until tomorrow."

"That's good enough," said Chrom. "Leave her alone Frederick. Suspicion is one thing but there's no need for an interrogation."

Frederick 'harrumph'ed and turned back to the fire. The meat was almost done if the smell was any indication. My mouth began to water at the tantalizing scent.

There was a lull in conversation as we struggled to change the subject. Robin's stomach was the first thing to break the silence, growling for the nth time since leaving southtown. He didn't even look sheepish about it anymore like he had at first.

Lissa took that as a cue. "Is dinner almost ready yet?"

"Not yet," Frederick responded. There was an edge of annoyance in his voice, but it was only the second time she had asked. How long did bear meat take to cook anyway?

It was another ten minutes before everyone was dished up. Chrom was the only one eating like a normal person; Robin was ravenously inhaling his portion, Lissa was looking at her serving with disgust and Frederick hadn't touched his food at all. I had forgone manners as well, having a hard time managing the tough meat otherwise. It wasn't the best meat I'd ever had—I was from Texas, so I knew what good steak was—but it certainly wasn't the worst either. It was definitely better than lamb and crocodile, but not as good as chicken or beef. But like Chrom said, "meat is meat," so I dug in without complaint. It might have tasted better simply because I was hungry though. Without the side effects of my medicine suppressing my appetite, I had been starving since we started walking from Southtown. My portion was gone all too soon. It's not like Frederick had cooked the whole bear, so if I wanted more I'd have to cook it myself. Yeah, no. Not likely.

"You gonna eat that?" I asked Frederick. He glanced at me, then at Chrom, and discreetly slid his plate to me. Glorious.

* * *

After dinner the bedrolls were laid out and we encountered a new problem: there weren't enough for all of us. They hadn't exactly planned on recruiting when they left the capitol, so only three had been packed. There were five of us. Either people would have to share, or someone was sleeping on the ground tonight.

I wasn't averse to sharing. It was surprising at times how little space someone needed once they were asleep. At the same time though I wasn't going to put anyone through sharing with me in particular—I hadn't been lying when I told Lissa I was a violent sleeper.

Not that I wanted to sleep, after my unpleasant nap.

In the end it was Robin and I who ended up sleeping on the ground. Frederick tried to convince us to let him, but it made the most sense for Robin to sleep on the ground because he had his coat to use as blanket or pillow, and I wasn't planning to sleep anyway. Not to mention that I proved earlier that I didn't need a bedroll to sleep. I found the patch where I had slept before and settled down, folding my jacket for something soft to lay my head on.

It wasn't long before I was the only one awake. Finally it was just me and my thoughts. The day had been exhausting, both in body and mind. I was unused to so much constant socializing. Back home I lived with my mom and brother, sure, but I was home alone when they went to work, and I liked it that way. I wasn't going to school, having finished high school and not yet started college, nor did I have a job to force me to interact with people every day. It was kind of shocking to go from being a hermit to being forced to make friends with almost-strangers, and I could feel the drain on my mind. Ordinarily sleep would fix that, but I knew that sleep would only provide more nightmares. It would take effort, but I had to stay awake tonight.

The best way to rest without sleeping or using excessive energy to stay awake was to think. I guess I had a lot of thinking ahead of me.

Boredom set in. Normally I had electronics to entertain me until I was ready to sleep, but here all I had was a pen. _I guess I could draw on my hand or something until the fire dies,_ I thought, taking it out. It wasn't even one of my favorite pens. It was one of my most durable though, which was a good thing because it was going to have to endure a lot in the coming weeks.

I started off drawing my go-to: eyes. I even drew Lucina's eye with the mark of Naga in the iris. Then I drew cat's eyes, going so far as to draw the entire cat a couple times. I paid attention to the details, modeling marks and tabby patterns after my cats at home. I could use a cat right now. A warm kitty with soft fur and cute mews to give me something to do. I think I missed my cats already.

Jeez, don't tell me I was getting homesick. It had only been a day! I could go on week-long trips without getting homesick, what was wrong with me?

Well no need to let the feeling fester by dwelling on it. Putting the pen back in my pocket (I had run out of space on my hand anyway) I tried to redirect my thoughts to other things.

_I wonder if I can do magic?_

Now _that_ was food for thought. My noodle arms weren't meant for physical combat despite the sword I had next to me. If I could do magic my chances of survival would be _loads_ better! But what were the chances of it working? In all the dreams where I had powers, I had never used fire, wind or electricity before. It was almost always water. There was no water magic in fire emblem that I knew of, and I doubted I was going to be an exception. Although in many cases water was associated with healing. Maybe I could heal?

How boring. I never wanted to be a nurse.

Perhaps basing my hopes off of dreams was naïve, but it was the only experience I had. Maybe I could change that though…

I sat up and looked for Robin. Maybe he left his tome somewhere I could get to it. My hopes were dashed however when I saw that he was using it as a pillow, his coat being a blanket. Sigh. Maybe Lissa left her staff out…? If I could heal, maybe I could take the sore ache out of my feet! But no, she was holding onto it in her sleep. I laid back down. Looks like there would be no experimenting for tonight. I'd ask Miriel to help me when I finally met her.

That left me back at square one: boredom.

What I wouldn't give for a phone right now. Maybe I'd even call home! No, thinking of home was bad. That would lead to homesickness.

I wouldn't have to be homesick if I hadn't somehow gotten here in the first place. How had that happened? I hadn't played awakening in a year, so it's not like my 3DS had suddenly become a portal like I read in a lot of fanfiction. Maybe Earth was an outrealm? Or a different timeline? There were too many questions. There was no use trying to figure out what had happened. I couldn't even remember what the last thing I had done before coming here was.

Speaking of timelines though, I wondered if I had ended up in any others. Was there another version of me bumbling around in the doomed timeline? I wasn't expecting to have any future children; no way was I going to be trapped here for that long, and not only that but I had no interest in sex and didn't like kids. Even if I did, I could only imagine how eccentric a child of mine would be. With all my problems? It would be wiser to adopt. Not that none of the other future children aren't eccentric enough on their own.

I couldn't wait to see Lucina so I could ask her about all this.

Shuffling a little ways away from me halted my meandering thoughts. Chrom was getting up, which roused Lissa from her sleep.

"Big brother? Something wrong?" She yawned, rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

"Something doesn't feel right."

Finally! "Well, if you're up that means I can move around without disturbing anyone." I stretched and stood up, popping my back in the process. The ground had been fairly flat, but it was by no means soft.

"I hope I didn't wake you," Chrom said.

"Nah, I was actually trying _not_ to sleep after earlier. You're doing me a favor by giving me something to do." Earlier's nightmare was only part of why I was avoiding sleep—I also wanted to meet Lucina. Now wasn't the time to fangirl, but I just couldn't pass up the chance to see her in action.

 _Him,_ I reminded myself. I didn't want to blow her— _his_ cover.

Chrom was growing antsy. "I think I'll have a look around."

"Not alone you're not! I'm coming too!"

"I hope the term 'the more the merrier' applies here?" It came out as more of a question than I wanted it to. Realistically, there was little reason for me to go; I was unskilled in most things in this world and probably wouldn't be very helpful. But there also wasn't much reason to leave me behind. Actually, I never really understood why the two royals didn't wake up Frederick and Robin. It didn't seem like a wise idea to leave them alone. I knew that nothing was going to happen to them, but it didn't feel right to leave without giving them some kind of warning.

"I don't see why not. Thanks you two."

I decided against waking Robin and Frederick in favor of following Chrom and Lissa. We walked away from camp and deeper into the woods to investigate Chrom's off-put feeling.

As we walked I began to feel what Chrom was talking about. The air was heavy and still, as if the forest was holding its breath. Our footsteps were the only sounds that could be heard.

Suddenly I was thrown off-balance by the earth shaking below my feet. There was a beat of shocked silence as we all steadied ourselves. Then ground broke and part of it rose up until we were looking at a new cliff that hadn't been there seconds before.

"Lissa, run."

"Huh?"

Seeing she was going to need some clarification I took her arm and started running, Chrom following to make sure we were headed in the right direction. Behind us a wall of lava spewed from the now cracked earth, spitting fireballs into the trees on either side.

I began to regret coming to see "Marth." If I had stayed with Robin and Frederick at camp I probably wouldn't have had to run this much. My legs were still sore from all the walking today. Or was it yesterday?

"Merra, this way!" Huh? Oh, they changed direction. I turned and urged my tired legs to follow. Heh, my boots were really getting a run for their money today! Ha. Heh. This was a bad time for puns.

There was a sound that I can only describe as _gleaming_ as a portal opened in the sky like an eye. I noticed that it had symbols around the edges from greek astrology. So that was a thing here? Interesting.

"Chrom, what is that?" Lissa asked in worry.

He didn't answer, instead watching as two objects emerged from the portal and fell to the ground. Risen. They landed just out of sight not far from us. Their red eyes pierced the darkness. It was only a matter of time before they got to us. Chrom drew his sword and readied to defend. I hastily followed his example. My hands were shaking. That was all we had time to do before the risen saw us and made to attack.

Chrom intercepted one of them, dishing out a slash that would kill an ordinary person. He stopped post-motion to recover, but to his astonishment the Risen wasn't defeated yet. It turned and swung its axe at Chrom's face; he barely managed to block it in time. It was a battle of strength as they both pushed their weapon against the other's in an attempt to overpower their opponent. He finally managed to knock the axe towards the sky and ducked under it to bowl the undead thing over. With a flourish, he ended it by stabbing it clean through.

He took a moment to catch his breath, but Lissa's scream made him realize his mistake; there were two risen, not one. While he had been fighting the first one the other was coming after me and Lissa. I tried to keep myself between her and the enemy—I was the one who was armed, it was only fair—and managed to at least do that, but fighting back? My knowledge of fighting involved letting the opponent attack first and then dodging, but if I did that then whatever I dodged would hit Lissa.

The Risen had stopped running, simply walking towards us; it knew there was no rush. The sight of its menacing approach caused me to flash back to my earlier nightmare and I froze in fear.

Why did I think I could do this?

I felt cold; I'm sure I was white as a sheet. Time seemed to slow down as the Risen came ever closer. Lissa screamed. There was a thud as Marth landed from the portal, footsteps as he and Chrom rushed to stop the risen. But I didn't register any of that. All I could see was the axe as it rose, and started to come down.

_Clang!_

The sound jarred me from my tunnel vision and suddenly I could hear again. All at once everything was moving and I could see things that needed to be done. Marth had blocked the descending axe just in time, but I could see his arms were starting to tremble from holding the weapon at bay. Chrom had stopped moving out of shock when Marth dropped out of nowhere, pointlessly delaying his help.

"Chrom, move!" I shouted to spur him into action like the clash of weapons had done for me. As I did this I ducked out from under Marth to help him myself at the same time. I had a weapon, might as well use it, right?

I tried slashing the undead creature, but _man!_ What are those things made of, rock? My sword basically bounced off. Maybe it was just my inexperience? It was still paying more attention to Marth than to me, so I lined my sword up and stabbed it with as much force as I could muster. This time, though I jarred my wrist, it got past the armor and did some real damage. This distracted the risen enough for Marth to turn around and deal a dual finishing blow with Chrom, who had just arrived.

The risen dissolved into globs of purple. Much like the shadow bugs from the Subspace Emissary, actually. Huh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the abrupt ending; I honestly just wanted the chapter to end and that was as good a place as any to stop. Was I the only one reminded of Subspace though?
> 
> And we have our first dream sequence! Since I already mentioned my obsession with dreams it shouldn't be surprising that there will be more. Think of them as a way to check up on Merra's mental health. This one was unpleasant (to put it mildly) because I always get horrid nightmares when I'm off my meds and/or stressed, and Merra has a lot to stress about right now. Sucks to be her, I guess.


	4. Facing Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frederick is wary. So is Marth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I didn't get around to posting yesterday due to work and general birthday stuff, but I'm back with a new chapter! Still setting things up on this new account, but I think I'm getting the hang of this! Maybe. I haven't noticed any glaring errors in formatting, anyway. 
> 
> And a quick excerpt from my original author's note: Much like drawing, I like to sometimes act out what I write just to make sure it's possible and give myself a reference for action. As a result I may or may not have just dented the ceiling with a nerf sword. Oops. This is what happens when you leave a nerd alone at home all day.

The first thing that Frederick thought when he woke up to see that his two charges and the suspicious girl from the field were gone was that she had spirited them away in his sleep. He knew she couldn't be trusted! Who volunteers to sleep somewhere as uncomfortable as the ground and insists that he get the bedroll unless they had some ulterior motive?

Hearing shifting beside him, though, he was reminded of Robin's presence. He was forced to rethink his accusation. Merra seemed to care about the wellbeing of Robin in particular, if her sleep-talking was any indication. It seemed unlikely that she'd steal away in the night without him.

The ground shook, waking up the tactician.

"What was that?" Jumping to his feet, he struggled to keep his balance as he blinked away sleep.

"I don't know, but the other three are missing. Help me gather up camp so we can look for them."

The two made quick work of the campsite, packing everything onto Frederick's horse for easy transport. The earth rumbled and moved a bit, but it seemed to be calming down by the time they were finished.

Frederick could smell smoke in the air. He paused in his packing, looking up to the sky for signs of a fire. More attention-catching than the pillars of smoke he was expecting was the giant tear in the sky. He sighed. If he knew Chrom, that's exactly where he'd be. His dedication to helping those in need always put them all in the middle of danger.

He packed the last thing onto the saddle. "We should head that way. With any luck, that's where the others are." Frederick pointed in the direction of the portal.

* * *

"Milord! Milady! Are you hurt?" Frederick burst out of the trees behind us, diverting the royals' attention from Marth, who took the opportunity to slip away unnoticed. Or mostly unnoticed. I followed Marth's example and slipped away while no one was paying attention.

"Psst! Marth!" Gods, why was I such a fangirl? What could I possibly hope to accomplish from a meeting when I knew we were going to fight more risen any moment now?

Marth stiffened up in front of me. "How did you know my name?" He hissed.

I almost said the cliche "it's on your name tag," but of course there are no name tags in Fire Emblem. That's right, Marth doesn't tell you his name until _after_ the risen battle. Woops. That would be the second time I've tipped my hat too far, the first being blurting Chrom's name out when I first saw him.

Facing someone I looked up to, I had to fight off a sudden wave of shyness. No. I refused to ruin another opportunity just because I was too nervous to say anything. "Sorry for not waiting for you to introduce yourself, but I have a few questions and I didn't want you to disappear already." I forced the shaking out of my voice. "My name is Merra. Have you heard of me?"

Marth's head tilted a bit, and if I could see his eyes they'd probably be narrowed, though I couldn't tell through the mask. I always wondered, why a butterfly mask? For someone pretending to be a guy it wasn't very masculine.

Marth appeared to shake off his thoughts before speaking again. "You didn't answer my question. A question for a question, if we must." He continued to look at me far too closely for comfort. Heh, get any closer and I might get the wrong idea, pretend guy or not.

I fought the sudden urge to give him a hug, (think about "his" backstory and tell me he doesn't need a hug. Just try) reminding myself that I'd probably get gutted for the trouble. "One of my friends is psychic. You're the only masked person she's ever told me about, so I took a guess?"

He backed off a bit, but I still couldn't tell what he was thinking behind the mask.

I lowered my voice in case I hadn't been sneaky enough and someone was listening. "I know you're from the future, so it's safe for you to answer my question now. A question for a question, just like you said."

I felt myself being scrutinized again. "Your name sounds familiar, but I don't recognize your face…" I waited, but Marth didn't say anything more on the matter.

Any response I could have formed was cut off by the sounds of fighting. The rest of the risen had arrived.

I looked behind me to make sure I wasn't about to be caught off-guard. When I looked back at Marth to see if he was going to elaborate further, he was gone. I should have expected that.

The sound of clashing blades seemed to come closer, and I unsheathed my sword nervously. Now that Marth had disappeared, I felt vulnerable. Hiding from the others by following him had effectively hidden them from me in return, leaving me isolated. I did not want to face down a risen alone. I didn't want to freeze again like every idiotic horror movie victim and die because there was no one around to cover my mistake. I needed to find other shepherds before a risen found me.

I quietly slipped back through the brush in the direction of the fighting and emerged into a large, fire-torn clearing sparsely dotted with small groves of trees. Those were probably forest tiles if I were to look at this from a gamer's perspective. There were a couple of forts nearby; an archer was shooting from behind one of them. Virion! So I really had missed the beginning of the battle, if he was already here. He and Sully don't arrive in-game until the second turn. Speaking of the cavalier, she should be around here somewhere…

There! I spotted her not too far away fighting off a revenant, the claw-wielding risen that sinks into the ground before attacking. Sully, badass as she usually is, was having a bit of trouble fighting it because every time she attacked it sank back out of reach. Watching her frustratedly jab at it looked an awful lot like a twisted game of whack-a-mole. I was about to go over to help, but _thwop!_ An arrow from Virion took care of it. Not wasting any time, the cavalier was already charging the next risen, spearing it straight through.

Jeez, at this rate I wasn't going to have to worry about fighting.

Chrom, Robin, Frederick and Lissa were way off in the distance fighting their own horde. I didn't fancy running long distances again, so I settled for joining the late arrivals.

I felt something approaching in my blind spot and whirled around, immediately having to duck under the incoming swing of an axe. Thank goodness for paranoia. How had a risen gotten so close without my noticing?!

I ducked another swing before having to jump back from another. The relentless onslaught continued and I knew I wouldn't last for long. Not sleeping had not helped my stamina at all. I was already slowing down. It was unfortunate and kind of pathetic, but I needed help.

Too proud to call for help quite yet, I reminded myself that I wasn't completely helpless. I had a sword now. The risen finally paused in its attacking, giving me some room to breathe. I don't know why it paused. Maybe it was getting tired of missing. But now was my chance; run for help or attack? I wasn't practiced enough to really know how to attack, but I just wasn't up for running. Time to fight, know-how be damned!

I took advantage of the risen's pause and let my body go into overdrive, every movement quick and snappy as if it were my reflexes working instead of my brain. Full-on spaz mode, like a kid on a sugar high. In other words, panic-driven adrenaline.

The sword slowed me down a bit, but I was still fast enough to land a glancing blow on the risen before it came down to try hit me again. I danced back on my toes, and after each swing I would attack its arms, belly, anything I could reach. The risen was blocking any blows to the torso, and trying to get past its guard almost cost me my head. There was a lot of sloppy swinging and shallow stabs, but hopefully they were adding up, because they were the best I could do. I didn't know if risen got tired. Hopefully they did, because if they didn't then my myriad of little blows weren't going to amount to anything.

I realized I was slowing down a lot more than I thought when a downward swing of the axe broke my glasses in half, also cutting into my nose. I let out a shriek and stumbled back, trying to put some distance between me and the cause of my pain. Gods that stung!

That turned out to be my undoing, because in stumbling blindly back I tripped, just like half the horror movie victims I was trying not to be. I should have gotten help instead of fighting on my own. I didn't get any more time to mull over my regret though because I had to roll out of the way of a falling axe, which— _why was it just falling?_ —was all I got to think before I was swamped with purple globs of dust. A lonely arrow fell from where the risen used to be. Virion must have shot it for me.

I struggled to get up, my already tired limbs now completely spent. I had only taken one glancing hit, but I was aching all over. All the dodging and attacking took its toll. This was worse than when I used to do yoga! I managed to get to my knees, looking around for my glasses. Specifically the left half, as it was the only lens with a prescription. My right eye had decent vision, but my left eye sucked. I ended up finding the right half first, so I pocketed it anyway. Once I found the other half I painstakingly got to my feet and looked around. Making sure there weren't any more risen about to attack me (there weren't, as the only ones close by were being slaughtered by Sully) I trudged over towards the nearest fort. They were supposed to heal you every turn, right?

When I got there I collapsed against the wall, almost immediately falling asleep despite the loud fighting not too far off. That's what I get for not sleeping when I had the chance. My impromptu nap was short-lived however; I woke up gasping from nightmares a couple minutes later. I spat out blood that had run into my mouth in my sleep from my nose. Gross.

Adrenaline was pumping through my veins once again from the bad dream, so I used the temporary energy to take stock of my surroundings. In the couple minutes I'd been asleep, Sully and Virion had picked off the rest of their group of risen and Chrom and Robin had finished off all but the chief, which they were working to take down now. Frederick was guarding Lissa, who was standing by and looking around worriedly.

I hadn't expected to be useful until I got some training, but I have to say it was embarrassing how little I contributed to this battle. I hadn't taken down a single risen because Virion had killed it for me. And I couldn't even complain about that, because he saved my life doing it! Ick, I was going to have to tolerate his flirting so I could thank him later.

Sully and Virion had pushed forward to join the other shepherds, leaving me behind the fort alone. I guess it was my fault for sneaking off with Marth, but I felt a bit more like an outsider than normal. I guess I had to stop being late for battles.

I forced myself back to my feet before I fell asleep against the fort wall again. My vision was still blurry from sleep, but I saw the fuzzy shapes of the shepherds and started walking in that general direction. I was proud to say that after everything that happened, I was still walking in a straight line.

Halfway there I dropped my sword. Really? I hadn't even noticed my hand loosening. I bent over to pick it back up, my body complaining the whole way down. I spat out more blood that had run down my face. That was getting annoying. I knew head wounds bled, and it certainly stung like nothing else, but it was just a cut! I put my free hand to my nose to try to stop the bleeding.

I would kill for an advil right now. If I had the energy to kill, that is.

I sheathed my sword so I wouldn't drop it again and hoped no one saw. I was still trying to prove myself here.

By the time I reached the shepherds Marth had already come and gone. Lissa saw my face and gasped. "Merra, your face! Let me heal that!"

She lifted her staff and all my pain disappeared instantly. As soon as she was done the sore aches came back, probably because the ache came from lactic acid and not from something actually wrong with the body, but my nose was no longer throbbing and some of the sleepless exhaustion went away.

"I was so worried about you! When Marth left when Frederick came you disappeared and I thought he took you or something!"

I felt my cheeks warm at how much she cared. "He didn't take me anywhere; I followed him because I wanted to ask him a question."

"Did you get your answer?" Robin asked, "He didn't answer many of our questions."

"Yeah, but I'm not sure what it means…" More like I didn't like the implications. _'Your name sounds familiar, but I don't recognize your face…'_ Unless there was some unrelated Merra running around, that meant that I had probably existed in her timeline. But not recognizing my face didn't bode well. Either I had died before she got to know me or I hadn't aged well, and personally I didn't like the sound of either option.

"Standing here isn't going to answer any of our questions," Frederick started, "We need to get to Ylisstol to inform Emmeryn of these creatures' attack, and make sure the citizens are protected."

Oh, joy. More marching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I don't really have aything to say, so take part of the original author's note instead?)
> 
> As if I don't already sound obsessive enough, I main Robin in Smash. I play as green Robin, and it's really messing me up as I write! I've pretty much cured myself of imagining his hair green, but I still see his coat as green instead of black when I imagine it. Send help! (Mind you, this was before Smash Ultimate came out and they dulled Robin's color palette.)
> 
> I discovered that I either have a high tolerance for pain, or getting stabbed in the foot doesn't hurt that much! This is extremely reassuring, since it means I won't have to write so cautiously. Merra might actually have a chance!


	5. Royals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nightmares and lack of sleep catch up with Merra. All aboard the loopy angst train!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the original author's note I was still having a hard time getting used to social interactions, so I complained about how hard it was to do dialog. But I don't feel like making you listen to that, so you have been spared.

It was the change from grass to packed earth that let me know we were getting close. The march had been quiet, at least as far as I knew. If there had been conversation going I missed it, too lost in the daze that let me keep going on without complaint. I mostly just made sure I kept up with the group and didn't trip over anything.

What was I thinking of again? Oh, right, we were getting close. I could see the castle off in the distance, along with the town surrounding it. We were still too far away to make out any people though.

It wasn't long before we made it to the city. I marveled at the friendly atmosphere. It reminded me of going to Scarborough Fair. Shops and stalls lined the street, and clotheslines with banners hung between buildings. On a hill in the distance stood the castle itself. Altogether it was a beautiful sight.

I wasn't the only one marveling at the sights. "I've never seen so many people before!" Robin commented in awe. I chuckled, thinking of the crowds in Dallas after a hockey game. The people milling about here were scarce in comparison, but the streets were still fairly busy to someone who only had a day's worth of memories. Robin's excitement over something so mundane was refreshing.

Frederick heaved a sigh of relief. "It appears that the capital was spared the chaos we encountered, thank the gods. The quake must have been limited to the forest." Actually, something of that magnitude, complete with fire and lava, would be seen if not felt from this distance, but it must not have had a great effect on the city. I kept my thoughts to myself though. There was no reason to annoy Frederick by contradicting him.

"Well that's a relief!" Lissa said.

I was just about to tune back out of the conversation again when I heard someone exclaim from a growing crowd, "Look! The exalt has come to see us!" I snapped back to attention, wanting to glimpse Emmeryn myself. Did her presence really exude a feeling of peace like I so often heard described?

The answer was yes. I stood transfixed as she passed. I could have sworn she looked right at me, and it felt like she saw me for all of my quirks and faults and welcomed me. With that one look I felt accepted into Ylisse. It was no wonder her people loved her so much.

With a start I realized she had already moved on and I was getting left behind. "Keep up Merra!" Chrom looked over his shoulder to make sure I got moving again.

"Sorry!" I jogged to catch up with the party. Robin looked flustered, having only just realized he had been traveling with royalty for this whole time.

"Did you know about this?" He whispered to me.

"Know about what?" I tried to ask innocently, but my grin was a tad too wide to pull it off.

"Of course you knew." He said, seeing my grin. He couldn't help but smile too despite himself.

Unsure of what to say next, I busied myself with trying to memorize the shops to keep from getting flustered. It didn't work, but it was suitable distraction. It was important to know what was sold where. If I was going to be stuck in this world for the foreseeable future I was going to need to know where to get my crafting supplies. I enjoyed sewing, and I was sure my clothes would eventually need to be patched with all the fights ahead of me.

We got a lot of looks on our way to see Emmeryn. I suppose that's to be expected, what with my modern clothing, Robin's plegian coat, and the prince and princess walking with us. I pulled my jacket tighter around me and tipped my cap down in a vain attempt to hide. I hated being the center of attention. This was going to be a long walk.

* * *

When we found the Exalt she was talking with Phila, the captain of the pegasus guard.

"Emm!" Lissa called out to her sister.

Emmeryn looked up. "Lissa! Chrom! Welcome home. Oh, and good day, Frederick. How fared you all?"

"Well—we shouldn't have any bandit problems for a while." Chrom said evasively.

"Wonderful." Emmeryn seemed unbothered by the implications that we got into at least one fight. "And our people?"

"Safe as can be, Emm. But we still need to watch the borders. The brigands crossed over from Plegia."

Phila frowned at the news and bowed slightly. "Forgive me, milord. My pegasus knights should have intercepted them."

"No, Phila. Your duty was here, with the exalt." Chrom assured.

"And besides, we had plenty of help!" Lissa added cheerfully.

"You speak of your new companions here?" Emmeryn gestured to me and Robin.

Chrom introduced us. "These are Robin and Merra. They fought bravely with us against the brigands. I've decided to make them Shepherds."

The edges of Emm's lips quirked up in a smile and her eyes lightened. "It sounds as though Ylisse owes you two a debt of gratitude."

"Not at all, milady!" Robin spoke modestly. I merely squeaked as it was the best I could do under the attention I was getting.

Frederick spoke up. "Forgive me, Your Grace, but I must speak. Robin claims to have lost his memory, but it is only that: a claim. We cannot rule out the possibility that he is a brigand himself, or even a spy."

"Frederick!" Chrom exclaimed.

"Furthermore," the knight plowed on, "Merra outright attacked Lady Lissa. She claims it was an accident, but whether or not that is true she is a menace to those around her." Huh, I don't think I've ever been called a menace before. I don't know if I should be proud of that statement.

I started to get a hazy feeling and I stopped listening to the conversation in front of me. What was happening again? It was hard to keep my focus on the present. A wave of dizziness came over me. Closing my eyes seemed so inviting…I let them droop, almost closing them completely before I inhaled sharply and opened them wide. My senses snapped back to alertness. I had almost fallen for that.

Everyone was staring at me like I had screamed or something. Well, I guess gasping out of nowhere draws attention.

"Sorry," I said in a small voice. "I didn't sleep last night. Just ignore me." I shook my head to wake myself up and almost lost my balance. I was getting clumsier than normal as a product of not sleeping or getting my medicine. I had hoped that Lissa's staff would help that, but apparently not.

"Is she drunk?" Captain Phila inquired.

"No," I answered for myself, "but just twenty hours without sleep has remarkably similar effects." Another random fact from the peanut gallery. I had probably gone over the twenty-four hour mark by now, unless you counted my snoozes the night before and on the battlefield, which I didn't. I probably hadn't been asleep for even ten minutes before I woke up each time.

Concerned eyes took last glances before the conversation got back on track. I tried to pay attention to the words, but they ran together until everyone's voices became a constant, lulling my mind to a light doze. It was the best I could do as far as staying awake, so I settled for letting the conversation wash over me and waiting until I was addressed or we left.

I didn't notice the lull become a murmur, before stopping altogether.

"Merra? You still with us?" A hand touched my arm, causing me to jump in surprise as I slapped it away. At the same time I jumped I also retreated, and trying to do both things at the same time somehow tangled my feet and I tripped. I hastily looked up to see who had surprised me to see it was Lissa again. Oh crap…

"This is precisely what I was talking about!" Frederick pointed at me with the most expression I'd ever seen from him. He looked at Emmeryn to see her reaction to my slight, but she only looked amused at the whole scene. Lissa was outright laughing. Frederick's expression turned to one of indigence. "Does no one see the danger she could pose?"

Lissa laughed harder.

"All I see is speed and potential in someone who means well." Emmeryn stated calmly. "If a bit lacking in control." I almost cried in gratitude at her forgiveness. With the Exalt's approval, maybe I could catch a break from the knight.

Now to get off the floor before I fell asleep here.

Seeing that Lissa was going to need some time to get herself back under control and he was the next closest person, Robin offered his hand to help me up. I took it and pulled, launching myself to my feet so quick that I almost fell over again as the blood drained from my head. I hunched back over.

"Are you okay?" Robin asked, worried at my odd behavior.

"Just a sec," I held up a finger in a 'one minute' gesture as I waited for the light-headedness to go away. When it was gone I stood back up. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Lissa finally got control of herself. "What I was going to say when I got your attention is that we're leaving while Chrom goes to his meeting. Let me take you someplace with a bed."

* * *

By the time we got to the Barracks I was hearing things. I knew I was hearing things because along with the preparation screen music, I was hearing sound effects from the game. Everything from the level up sound (which probably had the highest frequency of all the sounds) to critical quotes and the clash of weapons. Neither Lissa nor Robin reacted to any of it, so I knew it had to be in my head. It wasn't the first time I'd hallucinated. Of course, last time had been after thirty hours without sleep, not the twenty-something that I had probably gone by now. I suppose the extra physical activity made the music start sooner this time? Whatever the case, it was getting annoying.

I flinched as a particularly loud strike sounded in my head, earning me worried looks from my companions. I probably looked like a twitchy mess between my normal shaking and now my random flinching. I was walking between them, since if I walked to one side they were worried I'd veer off-course and get lost. They were slightly in front of me, not only because it was easier to follow them than to lead the way but every time one got behind me I'd get twitchier, paranoid and hyper-aware of my blind spot.

We were stopped by a blonde launching herself at Lissa. Ah yes, Maribelle. She said, ah, something. I was too tired to pay attention or care, simply waiting for Lissa to take me to that bed she promised.

Still, the lack of my medicine drove my paranoia up to eleven. Through the haze of my exhaustion I knew where everyone was in the room, even a somewhat ghost-like presence to my left. It got a little too close and I whirled around, hands up and ready to defend, but all I could make out was a shadow. It moved and I jabbed at it without thinking. There was a hollow sound and a faint, "You can see me?" That I almost couldn't hear over my own personal background ensemble.

"What?" I asked the fleeting shadow.

"You can hear me?!" I was able to hear it this this time. Clearly the shadow was happy.

 _'Clearly, the shadow was happy.'_ I mentally repeated the sentence to make sure that no, that was not a normal thing to be thinking. _Gods, I hope I'm not talking to a hallucination._

Something tickled at the back of my mind. It seemed important. I turned away from the potential hallucination, determined to make a good (ish) impression on the other occupants of the room. I wasn't going to let them see me talking to something not really there.

I ignored the shadow's "aw" of disappointment.

After introductions were over, which I managed to miss almost all of, Lissa led me to the girl's room. There were bunkbeds on either side of the sizable room, and I flopped down in the closest one without a second thought.

"That's—" Lissa started, but upon seeing the dark circles under my eyes she decided against whatever she was going to say. Probably whose bed I had just stolen. "Never mind. Goodnight!" She wished cheerily despite the very obvious sunlight streaming through the window behind her.

"Pick a god and pray!" I twitched at the imaginary voice. "Shut up!" I hissed, tired of the constant cacophony.

"Did you say something Merra?" Lissa peeked her head back in the room.

"Nnnn," I groaned. She giggled and left me to my sleep.

I had just let someone hear me talk to a voice in my head. Was I going crazy?

No, it was just a hallucination. "I'm not crazy." I told myself. "I'm not crazy…" I was so tired that I was lulled to sleep by the sound of my own voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (We're just gonna use the original author's note here.)
> 
> I sometimes have nightmares where I'm stuck in special ed or the looney bin because I have too many mental disorders and I'm not good enough to fit in normal society. It's something I can't help but be afraid of even though my high IQ balances it all out.
> 
> I actually found myself debating skipping my meds and going a night without sleep just to see how badly I'd get hit with the withdrawal symptoms and exhaustion (the two make a very interesting combination) before realizing how idiotic and self-destructive an idea that was. So I'm going off of experiences from when I went thirty-three hours without sleep (did a sleeplocke) and the random days I forget my meds. Dizzy spells happen if I don't take the anti depressants, lapses in attention happen without the ADHD medicine and gaps in memory happen without sleep. All three of those have been shown in this chapter at least once.
> 
> The talking shadow was Kellam, by the way. Poor guy.


	6. Preparing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the last chapter I post today. Maybe I'll post in groups of three? Anyway, I haven't gotten and comments or kudos yet. I guess I shouldn't expect much so soon after posting, but dang, I was hoping for good reception on this site. 
> 
> Ah well, we can't have everything. I'll keep posting anyway!

When I woke up it was with a feeling of dread. I knew from playing the game that I had until morning before the trip to Ferox and the risen battle that occurred on the way. I wasn't ready for another battle; I was still sore from the last two!

I made to look out the window only to discover that my muscles had stiffened up over night. Ow. Looks like the sun hadn't come up yet. That was good, it meant I had time to stretch and maybe practice when no one was looking.

I thought about my dream and shuddered. I was so exhausted when I went to sleep that I couldn't wake up through the nightmares. It was good that I finally got sleep, but I was glad to be awake

I didn't plan on going back to sleep anytime soon, so I slid out of bed and started doing some stretches I remembered from my old soccer days. After I finished those I moved on to yoga poses, working out all the stiffness from my muscles and joints and adding a new soreness to my stew of pains. Perhaps tiring myself out as soon as I woke up was a bad idea, but I needed to strengthen up in a desperate way, and I'd take what time to do so that I could get.

I moved on from the standard downward dog/sun salutation routine into the warrior poses. Done right, these were a true test of stamina. I wasn't able to hold each pose as long as I wanted, but I could feel the burn of progress nonetheless.

When I was too sweaty to hold downward dog without my hands sliding out of place I called it quits. What to do now? The sun still hadn't come up. According to my watch (which I had forgotten about until now) it was 4:52. I probably had a long time before anyone got up.

I grabbed my hat and sword from my bed (I had gone to sleep without removing anything last night) and silently crept out of the girl's room. I hadn't thought about it while I was stretching because yoga was a silent form of exercise, but all the girls were still asleep. I didn't want to disturb them.

Entering the hallway, I was given a choice of which way to go. I didn't remember which way it was to the entrance thanks to my sleepy haze yesterday, so I chose left and hoped it lead somewhere useful. Surely there were training dummies around here somewhere!

I took another left and ended up at the entrance. Cool. Connected to the front room was the armory, filled with lots of sharp pointy things that I had to be careful not to trip over or run into in the dark. I was almost to the doorway I saw on the other side of the room when I bumped into a rack with my hip. I froze as the weapons rattled, holding my breath as I prayed none of them fell. They didn't.

I continued towards the doorway I saw, and what-ho! A training room! Complete with racks of practice weapons on the walls and training dummies! I set my sword—well, technically Robin's sword—beneath one of the racks and grabbed one of the dulled practice blades, a short one that I would be faster and more controlled with. Weapon chosen, I turned to the nearest training dummy.

Now what? …Do I just whack it?

I stood staring at the dummy for a solid thirty seconds as I slowly began to realize just how much I had to learn. I didn't even know what to do with a training dummy! I didn't know proper stances or grips, nor how to swing without overextending like I had used against that brigand. Not to mention the fact that I was used to foes who fought back. My only experience had little to do with sword skills; it was a wonder that I had survived this long. It would probably be best if I got someone to teach me how to properly use a sword instead of trying to teach myself potentially bad habits. But no one else would be up at this hour, and once everyone woke up it would be time to leave for the expedition anyway.

Back to the dummy. I guess I just sort of…attack? I wasn't used to attacking first. This felt stupid.

Swallowing down my nerves—it was just a stupid dummy, it's not like anyone was watching—I started with a stab. Stabs I could do; they were just about the only way I knew how to get past someone's guard. But I felt uncoordinated. The dulled blade glanced off the wooden gut of the dummy and I scowled. Not even a little dent. I adjusted my feet and tried again, this time with more power. This time I managed to dent the wood a little! But not much. I didn't take that too hard though, as the other pockmarks and slashes didn't seem to be much deeper than mine. I stabbed it a few more times to get used to putting power behind the blade. That was something I never got to do at home for fear of breaking something. It was extremely satisfying, both because of the utter destruction I could one day wreak and because of the progress, no matter how little, I was making in learning to keep myself alive.

Stabbing something is only entertaining for so long though, so I quickly changed to working on slashing. This I was unused to. How much do I move my body with my strike? What exactly does it mean to be overbalanced? How do you strike without leaving yourself open? How widely do I place my feet? How big is my disadvantage if I decide to use a shorter sword like I prefer? Was it even possible to do spinning attacks like the thieves' attack animations from the game?

Feeling a bit silly, I decided to try it out. I started by putting my back to the dummy and pivoting on one foot to strike, that way I could get used to slashing while turning. To my satisfaction I hadn't missed the dummy and landed a nice hit. With that attempt successful I started my next attempt while facing the dummy so I would have to do a 360° turn. I ended up tripping and missing the target altogether.

I decided that spinning to attack didn't make sense anyway. Why would you deliberately turn your back on your opponent? Clearly the game was just trying to look fancy.

I continued trying out different slashes I had seen from various games, trying to find one that felt natural and worked well. I even tried using the reverse grip to see if I liked that any better. Repetition, repetition. My swings may be flawed, but at least if I practiced now I would be better off than if I hadn't.

A dizzy spell landed me on my butt and it seemed like a good time to take a break. If only I'd had a water bottle on me when I ended up here. Or some pop-tarts. Gosh I was hungry.

The sun still hadn't risen, and the darkness was putting me on edge. It felt like i was being watched. Feeling vulnerable, I quickly got up from the floor. There was a spike of paranoia so I whirled around, sword swinging with me like I had practiced.

Nothing.

Well, at least I wasn't hearing things. I couldn't wait for the sky to lighten.

I grabbed a second sword and started testing out duel wielding. I quickly learned that I sucked, and went back to one sword. At this point I was tiring big time and was considering going back to sleep. But I pressed on. I had to get better. I wasn't going to survive otherwise.

My paranoia spiked again, but before I could whirl around a voice came from the doorway.

"You won't get anywhere swinging like that."

I dropped my sword in surprise at the intrusion. After the last false alarm I wasn't expecting anyone to be there!

"You might want to check your grip. If it's that loose you won't have a weapon for very long on the battlefield."

"Sully?" What was she doing up so early?

"Damn straight!" She didn't even bat an eye at the fact that I knew her name even though we hadn't been officially introduced.

"What are you doing up so early?" Never mind the fact that I was up too.

"You stole my bed." Was the short reply. Ah. Woops.

"Sorry?"

"No matter now. It looks like you could use some help training. Here." I hadn't noticed her get closer as she spoke, but somehow she was already next to me adjusting my stance. A push here, a tug there, and all at once my balance was more stable than it had been before.

She stood back to admire her handiwork. "Okay, now try to hit to dummy."

Not wanting to disappoint, I slashed at the wooden dummy, surprising myself with the power I was able to put behind the strike. I guess it was all about having the right stance!

"That felt awesome!" I gushed. Sully chuckled.

"You haven't done a whole lot of fighting, have you?"

I shook my head. "Fighting isn't allowed where I come from. The only weapons I had were mostly decorative."

"Sounds like my kind of decoration." Sully smirked. "Well, it looks like you have a lot of learning to do. Enough chatter." She picked up a practice sword. "Let's fight!"

"What?!" There was no time to argue as the cavalier lunged at me. I yelped and dodged as I normally do, completely forgetting the fact that I could fight back.

After a while of her essentially chasing me around the room as I danced out of the way of her blade she stopped.

"You can't win if you don't attack!" She declared. "Attack me!"

She was standing still, not unlike the dummy I had been practicing on.

"But you're not attacking, and I don't have the element of surprise," I argued.

"I'm not moving until you do."

Feeling stupid I made an awkward, uncertain stab towards her chest, which she blocked immediately. "Come on, put some effort into it!" She taunted. More determined I tried again, and was blocked again. I stabbed and slashed, faster and more desperate as every attempt was blocked before _clang!_ I managed to get a hit in!

Taking this as some kind of milestone, suddenly Sully went back on the offensive. I started dodging again, but this time remembered to attack back every once in a while. The attacks were weak, but they were something at least. It wasn't long though before she changed things up again, sticking her foot out as I was jumping back. My ankles got tangled at the slight tip-off from her toe and I went down hard.

"Real enemies aren't going to play fair." Was all she said. She walked away to get a drink of water.

I stayed on the ground to catch my breath. That was a lot more rigorous exercise than I had expected for—what time was it? I checked my watch—6:13 in the morning.

"I'd get out of here if I was you. Frederick's Fitness Hour starts at sunrise."

I paled and shot to my feet, heedless of the white spots blocking my vision. No way in hell was I sticking around for Frederick's Fitness Hour; I wasn't ready to die! I high-tailed it out of the training room and back to the girls' room. What was it, out of the armory and then two rights? That seemed right.

My flight was brought to an abrupt halt by colliding with another body.

"Oof!" Papers went flying everywhere as both parties were sent to the ground. What was this, a high school AU? I got my bearings back and looked to see who I'd bowled over—it was Robin, of course. Of _course_. It wouldn't be like a high school AU if I hadn't run into my crush.

"I'msorryI'msosorry!" I blurted out, hurriedly trying to get out of the way without tearing any papers. I got to my knees once I was at an acceptable distance, trying to pick up as many as I could.

"Ugh…" Robin was still trying to get his own bearings back. "Merra? What are you in such a hurry for?"

Oh, he didn't know of the horrors he was walking into. "Frederick's Fitness Hour starts soon. You don't want to go out there. I'm getting the heck back to bed before I get roped into it." My eyes were wide and desperate.

Robin looked a little worried at my reaction. I probably looked a bit hysterical. "I'm just looking for the library so I can brush up on some tactics before we leave for Ferox."

"Okay. You're probably safe then. Here," I handed him the papers I had gathered. They looked like maps.

"Thanks." He took them from me.

You know, maybe the library would be a better idea than going back to bed…I had nightmares to avoid after all.

* * *

Once we reached the library I was surprised to see Miriel already there, nose deep in a journal and some questionable-looking jars of liquid beside her. I guess waking up early was commonplace here.

I thought about talking to her, but she seemed pretty absorbed in what she was doing. Maybe I'd ask Ricken about magic instead. If I could find him. The young mage was probably still asleep.

"You wouldn't happen to know where books on strategy are, would you?" Apparently Robin had no such qualms as he asked for help from the redhead. She responded by pointing in a seemingly random direction without even looking up from her journal. "Thanks!"

Robin walked to the shelves the mage had pointed at and I followed. He grabbed a promising-looking book and sat down at a nearby table to read it. I loitered at the shelf, unsure of what to do next or how to help. For something to do I perused the selection, selecting a few more books on tactics and depositing them on the table for Robin. This of course didn't take much time at all and I was left wondering what to do again. I ended up grabbing a random book and sitting down across from the tactician.

Turns out I grabbed a fictional book that looked like a romance. I stuck my tongue out in distaste; romances weren't really my style. I put the book back and picked up one of the ones I had set aside for Robin. What would it hurt to learn about tactics myself?

With my short attention span I only managed to make it to chapter two when, to my utter relief, Vaike's voice bellowed from a few rooms away. "BREAKFAST IS READY!"

I gladly closed the book and gathered up the other books on the table. "You done with this?" I asked Robin, indicating the book he was holding.

"Yes, I think I'm done reviewing it. Thank you." He handed it to me and started gathering his maps up.

I returned to the shelves and looked for the tactics section again. Back when I was still in school I was a library aid, so this was a nice return to normalcy. There was no dewey decimal system here, and once I found the right shelf I discovered that they weren't in alphabetical order either. Gosh, how did anyone find anything? Without really thinking about it, I started reordering the books by title, since not all of them had authors labeled on the spine.

"Are you coming to breakfast?" Robin's voice behind me made me jump and I hastily turned to face him. I had been so engrossed in my work that I hadn't heard him approach.

"Uh, y-yeah, let me just put these books back away." I sloppily shelved the small stack of books I had been ordering, not wanting to hold us up by being particular. My aim to not be an inconvenience outweighs my OCD-like tendencies. "Let's go."

 

* * *

Breakfast turned out to be much tastier than I was expecting, eggs and rolls. I dug in, maybe pigging out a little since I wasn't used to having such an appetite.

The plan was to stay out of whatever conversation was going on; as ecstatic as I was to meet the Shepherds, I was also shy and didn't know what to say to any of them. I was that person you forget is in a group message because I don't say anything. Today however, it just wasn't meant to be.

I sat next to Robin and across from Lissa, figuring I was safest sitting next to those I had already met. I should have known what a mistake that was when I saw the princess's company.

"So you said your psychic friend told you a lot of stories. Want to share any?" Or maybe I just shouldn't have sat near Lissa at all.

I froze like a deer in the headlights. Oh gods, what do I say? I'm shit at telling stories! At least when there was nothing to relate them to. But Lissa was looking at me so expectantly!

"Oh, you're psychic?" Vaike, who was sitting next to Lissa, saved me. "Quick! What am I thinking?"

He obviously missed the _friend_ -of-the-psychic part, but why not try to impress? 'The' Vaike's mind seemed simple enough.

"Is there any thinking going on in that head?" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. Why did I say that?! How rude!

There was a beat of silence as I shocked he blond speechless and I feared I had actually offended him before Lissa bursted out laughing. "Wow Merra, it's like you already know him!" Vaike took the jab well, laughing along with Lissa and a few of the others at breakfast. Thank goodness.

I looked around sheepishly to see who all had heard. Miriel had her nose in another journal as she ate, paying no attention to the conversation. Chrom, Sully and Sumia were all laughing, some more politely than others. Virion was looking between Sully and Frederick in despair, apparently drawing some conclusions about their sweatiness that he didn't like. I knew it was from Frederick's Fitness Hour, but I guess he did not. Ricken, Maribelle and Stahl were all absent. The latter surprised me. It didn't seem like Stahl to miss an opportunity to eat, but maybe I was missing something? I couldn't ask where he was though because I had hardly met everyone yesterday, being far too out of it to interact with anyone. Oh well. Maybe he'd come down late.

"Hey Merra, did your friend ever do flower fortunes?" Sumia asked.

"Flower fortunes?" I had forgotten Sumia did those. "No, she didn't."

"Well they're easy!" She beamed. "I could do one for you sometime, if you want."

"Alright," I didn't have anything else to say on the matter. It seemed frivolous to me, but it would probably be rude to refuse. So why not?

It looked like she was going to say more when she clammed up. I looked up to see that Chrom had approached.

"Vaike, I trust you'll tell Stahl about our trip to Ferox? It's time to get ready."

"Teach is up to any task!" Yeah, right. We all know how that ends. Poor Stahl. I stifled a laugh, getting a couple odd looks for my efforts.

So even among company as diverse as the Shepherds I managed to single myself out. Wonderful. I finished up my food and looked to Chrom.

"So when do we leave?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Oh my gosh please give me love I'm begging you)


	7. Getting in the Swing of Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shopping, script changes and another risen battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, sorry for the wait! I've actually been grounded (I'm 21, is that even possible?) from electronics until my room is clean. I still am, but I don't really care. Enjoy what new updates I can get out before I get kicked off my own computer!
> 
> Had to look up axe vs ax for this one. I was worried that I'd spelled it wrong, but it turns out both are correct!

On the way out of town I made sure to stop at one of the shops I had noted before.

"Hey Chrom, mind if I buy a couple things real quick?" I didn't exactly have any money, so the real question was _'Can I borrow some money?'_ I didn't want to say that though.

The prince gave me an unreadable look. "It's coming out of your pay." He handed me a small sack of gold.

"That is _just_ fine." Sewing supplies here I come! I wanted to keep my clothing in good shape since it was all I had of home, and being in battle as often as I expected to be, I would probably need to do a lot of patching jobs.

Not wasting any time, I bought a bag, a needle, thread, and just half a yard of sturdy green fabric, trying to save some money. I shouldn't need that much for a few patching jobs anyway. Not that I planned on getting hit, but you could never be too careful.

I also bought a journal for writing everything I remembered about the game. It had been over a year since I last played it, and I'd only gotten halfway through. I knew most of the story from fanfiction so I could write that down too, but there were still a few things I was fuzzy on just because it had been so long. I didn't want to forget any more than I already had, hence the journal.

"Thanks for waiting. Sorry for the holdup." It wasn't just Chrom waiting for me, but everyone on the trip to Ferox. I really hadn't wanted to slow everyone down, but I didn't know when the next chance to get all this would be. It was unnerving to own nothing but a pen and the clothes on my back. I was glad to have a bag again.

I held out the sack of remaining gold out to Chrom to take back. "Keep it," he told me. "It's your pay for this week."

I pocketed the bag with a smile. Sweet!

We were about to continue on our way when there was a shout of "Wait!"

Stahl came running from out of nowhere. That was weird, he wasn't supposed to catch up until right before the next battle. Had my shopping really taken that long?

Stahl put his hands on his knees to catch his breath. "Why was I the last one to hear of this mission?"

"What? But Vaike was supposed to…" Lissa's face changed from confused to exasperated. "Vaike! Did you forget to tell Stahl about the expidition?"

Ah, here comes one of my favorite lines. "The Vaike never forgets!" I quietly said the words along with him, getting some weirded out and amused looks from the others. "I just don't always remember is all…"

"Ugh. You'd forget your own name if you weren't saying it yourself so much." Lissa muttered. I snickered. Interactions like this were what made me love Awakening so much.

Chrom sighed. "We should get going. I'm glad you're with us Stahl." He flashed a smile at the cavalier before turning around to finally leave town.

"Miriel should be right behind me if you'll wait." Stahl stood up straight, breathing easily now. Man, if it were me I would have needed a little longer.

"Fine." Chrom allowed. Well this was different. I shrugged and sat down against a stall wall, getting off of my feet to keep them fresh for the march.

Lissa decided to join me. "So what did you buy?"

"Just a journal and some sewing supplies. I want to remember everything my friend told me. I might be able to help you out of some tough spots." In fact, now was a good time to start writing, but it would have to wait since Lissa wanted to talk.

"You sew?" She questioned.

"Yeah, my mom taught me. She sews a lot in her free time."

"Could you teach me?"

Oh gosh, if I remembered correctly Lissa sucked at sewing. What to say, what to say…"Sure!" Oh jeez, what have I done? "When you get you own supplies." I hastily amended. Much better.

"Okay!" She stood back up and headed back towards the shop I had just left. Wow, I didn't know she would be so eager.

Chrom spied her leaving. "Lissa! Where are you going?"

"To get sewing supplies!"

"Is now really the time for that?"

"Merra got some!" Lissa pouted. Oh jee, thanks Princess. Thank you for throwing me under the bus.

Chrom looked at me. "So that's what was so important to stop for?" While the prince's attention was on me Lissa took the opportunity to sneak away to the shop.

"I don't know how many Shepherds know how to sew, and I expect there to be many patching jobs in the near future." I defended. "Not to mention it's cold in Ferox, so any extra fabric will be welcome." I wasn't looking forward to that at all. Texas could have some cold winters, but they were few and far between. As it was I hadn't been out in temperatures below fifty in a couple years, at least not in as few layers as I was wearing now.

"By the way," I continued. "We're probably going to fight two battles before you can talk to the Kahn."

"You didn't think to tell me this sooner?"

"If I weren't here you wouldn't know until you were fighting them, and that turns out fine. Why should I have told you?"

"I suppose…"

I yawned, finding myself tired without my morning meds to keep me awake. Wuh-oh. Regretfully I stood so I wouldn't fall asleep against the wall. I may have gotten a good night's sleep last night but I had already been active this morning. It wouldn't be a problem so long as

I kept moving.

"Apologies for my tardiness!" Came a call a little behind us. Miriel had finally caught up. "One of my experiments detonated."

I wondered if the library was okay.

Chrom didn't bat an eye at the worrying sentence. "Now that everyone's here, let's get moving."

I looked back at the shop where Lissa still was. I could say something, but at the same time I could also say nothing and make her have to catch up. I could prank the prankster! Although she'd probably try to get me back, and I didn't want to get into a prank war. I was actually really bad at pranking people. But Lissa liked scaring people with frogs, right? I liked frogs.

Deciding that the outcomes of saying nothing could only be positive, I kept my mouth shut. She might not blame me anyway.

"Waaait!" A voice behind us cried as the company walked away. Ah, speak of the devil and she shall appear.

Lissa caught up to us, sewing supplies in hand. She came up to me. "Teach me!"

"Lissa we're walking. I don't think it's a good idea." That was just asking to get stabbed with a needle.

"Aw…" She started fidgeting and I realized she hadn't gotten a bag. I sighed.

"Go ahead and put what you got in here," I patted my bag. "I'll hold onto it for you."

Lissa brightened up. "Really? Thanks!"

We continued marching.

The longer we marched the antsier I got. I jumped at everything, knowing that a risen battle was coming soon. I felt like I was in a haunted house: willingly walking into a trap that no matter how keen my eyes were (or were not, since my glasses had broken) I could not see until I was upon it. My hand hovered over my sword almost instinctively now, already getting used to having one in this world. I felt exposed in my modern clothes lacking armor. How could Donnel stand it? Or Gaius? Villagers and thieves don't get armor, right? Or mages? Definitely not dark mages at least. I suppose I couldn't complain since I wasn't the only one. It would just have to be motivation to not get hit.

I felt a presence beside me. "Nervous?" Robin asked.

Nervous? I guess you could say that. "Understandably I think. We're going to fight risen soon. I almost died both of the last times I encountered one."

"Risen?" Robin looked confused.

"The undead with the glowing red eyes we encountered. They're called risen." As I was speaking my eyes continued darting around.

There! Movement! I stopped paying attention to the tactician in favor of trying to identify the source of the motion.

Despite my spotting the movement, it was Chrom who identified the risen first. "Gods, have the risen spread this far?" He started the familiar dialog.

Vaike grabbed for his weapon, only to find that it wasn't there. "My axe. Where's my axe?! I had it a second ago!"

I looked at Miriel to see if she had picked it up like she had in the game, but her hands were empty. Oh, great. Since she had caught up to us while we were in town she wasn't trailing behind us, which meant she wasn't there to pick up Vaike's missing axe. Cause and effect. Because I decided to go shopping, Vaike wasn't going to be able to fight. This was my fault.

I didn't have time to mope though. As I unsheathed my sword (Robin's sword, my mind reminded me) Frederick apparently decided that now was a good time to go over the weapon triangle. When playing the game explaining the mechanics didn't seem out of place, but living in this world? It was plain weird. I'd call it immersion-breaking, but the term didn't really apply to my situation anymore.

Too late I realized that I had let my mind wander and the others had spread out, leaving me alone. Well, almost alone. Vaike and Sumia were with me, but Sumia was as new to fighting as I was and Vaike didn't have his axe.

I saw a risen about to attack Miriel while she was busy incinerating another. Not on my watch, buddy!

"Hey!" I shouted to get its attention to stall it and give me more time to reach it before it attacked. It hesitated, turning away from the squishy mage. I balked at the sight of its lance. Goddammit. Hadn't Frederick just mentioned the weapon triangle? I was so screwed!

The risen took advantage of my hesitation by taking a stab at me that I barely managed to knock away. I jumped back out of reach and tried to weigh my options. I was at a definite disadvantage, what with the lance's longer reach. I would have to find a way to get inside its guard without getting stabbed or whacked by the shaft.

The risen didn't wait for me to think, stepping forward with another stab. I jumped to the side, but it followed with a swing that caught me in the ribs. I gasped at the pain, trying to get away from the cause of it but finding that the weapon was caught up in my jacket. The risen tugged at it, trying to free the lance so it could get the momentum to strike again. Seeing its troubles I got an idea. Wincing at the tearing sound coming from my beloved jacket, I jerked myself forward and inside lancer's guard. I had time to deliver a few relatively solid blows before I was thrown back by a strike from the lance's shaft.

I was gasping for breath, winded by the blow, when there was a large blur from my left and suddenly the risen dissolved into blobby purple dust.

At this rate I should be complaining about kill-stealers. Just once I wanted to prove I could do it myself.

The blur slowed down and I could see it was the red cavalier, Sully.

"I had that!" I complained between breaths.

"Then what were you waiting for?" She challenged. Deeming me to be okay, she rode off to her next fight.

I grumbled but was secretly grateful for her intervention. I really hadn't had that.

The ground seemingly rose up beside me and I had to dodge a slash of claws. A revenant. Slow, but could disappear in the ground and had a lot of HP. The burning slice in my side was enough reminder that I had to be careful, but I was pretty sure I could take this one.

I backed up a bit and waited for the revenant to rise again. The shadow on the ground moved forwards, warning me that it was about to appear and I struck its head while it emerged from the ground, dazing it. I used its distraction to stab it as hard as I could. It shrieked at the abuse, but didn't dissolve like I had hoped.

I went to pull out my sword for another attempt, but it was stuck. Just my luck! I was forced to move out of the way or get turned into a slasher movie victim as the revenant regained its senses and came at me again. After a few tries it retreated back into the ground, my sword sticking out of the shadow like the sword in the stone. When the shadow moved so did the sword, and for a short time the fight turned into a comical game of chase. Finally I caught up to the skewered risen, (I thought it was supposed to be slow!) grabbing the sword and pulling with all my might. I regretted sitting on the couch all day at home instead of exercising. Maybe if I had gone outside or worked out or something, this wouldn't be so hard! I ended up standing on top of the shadow before I was able to retrieve my weapon, but right as I did the revenant rose up from the shadow again and I was tossed backwards off of its head.

I was getting tired of this.

I was getting tired in general too, being completely out of shape and already having had my exercise this morning. This fight was trying my stamina and my patience.

"Alright, it's time to die!" I picked myself up off the ground and, in a fluid motion far too precise for my beginner skill level I brought my sword down on the risen's head in a powerful downward strike. The revenant was gruesomely cut in half before it dissolved into a cloud of purple.

"Ha! I'll show you helpless."

I stopped. Was that a post-battle quote? And a critical quote? Seriously? And thinking back, I think I made a support quote with Miriel too. That was…interesting. Seeing game mechanics in the supposed real world was surreal. Especially that crit. How had I managed to pull that off?

Still though, I was proud of myself for killing a risen on my own from start to finish. At last!

An especially distinct twinge from my side reminded me that I wasn't out in the clear quite yet. I looked around for Lissa and found her riding around with Stahl. Perfect.

"Lissa!" I called. There were no more risen in the area to catch the attention of, so I might as well yell for her. The rush of battle was beginning to wear off and my side's throbbing was becoming more insistent. I tried not to think about how hard it would be to wash the blood out of my clothes later.

"Coming Merra!" Lissa shouted back to me. Stahl steered his horse over in my direction. I didn't have to wait long. As they neared I heard a cry of pain over where the few remaining risen were, so instead of stopping to heal me somehow Lissa was fast enough to heal me as she and Stahl passed by. As soon as that was done they turned around to go heal whomever had cried out.

I shrugged and followed, albeit at a slower pace. I would never be able to keep up with a horse. By the time I got to the source of the sound, (Vaike, having no axe to defend himself with) Lissa had already done her healing and Stahl had destroyed the offending risen.

I wondered where Robin was.

* * *

 

"Is everyone ready to keep moving?" Chrom inquired.

There were no protests, so it was time to continue our march to Ferox. I could already feel the air cooling as we walked away from the temperate weather of Ylisse.

I could really go for a nap. I hardly ever napped back at home, but I didn't exactly push myself there like I did here. Regardless of what I wanted, the march continued. And continued. And continued.

Naga this was boring.

Just as I was about to try my hand at writing while walking out of desperation for something to do, Robin started the next scripted dialog.

"Well, what do we have here?"

"Is that what I think it is?" Lissa stopped and squinted against the sun.

A white form stood out in the tall grass. Oh, right! I had forgotten about the pegasus.

"It's a pegasus all right. But it looks like it's hurt. Let's take a look here…" Chrom made to step forward but I managed to grab his arm and pulled, not succeeding in pulling him back but at least getting him to stay in place. "Merra, what are you—"

"How 'bout we let Sumia take care of this?" I interrupted. I guess it was kind of rude, but it was either that or risk Chrom getting kicked by a pegasus. I didn't remember how it went in the game other than the fact that the pegasus didn't respond well to him at all in comparison to Sumia, and I didn't want to take any chances.

"Captain, allow me." Sumia said, approaching. I opened my mouth in warning but too late, she had already tripped and fallen on her face. Ouch. Guess there was nothing I could do about that.

Sumia did her best to save face, but I could tell she was embarrassed for tripping—again—in front of Chrom. Her miraculous job calming the pegasus made up for her image though, being able to walk right up to it and rub its head without upsetting it.

Robin was aghast. "How did she calm it so quickly?" He asked no one in particular.

Sumia blushed at the praise she was getting from Chrom and Lissa. "It's nothing, really. I just have a way with animals, I guess." I could understand that; I had a similar thing with birds. They always seemed to like me. I wondered if pegasi were close enough to birds to like me.

Sumia looked at us expectantly. "You all go on ahead. I'll dress her wounds and catch up with you."

"We can make time to wait for you," Chrom offered.

Sumia shook her head. "Thank you, Captain, but I can manage. Every moment is precious when all of Ylisse is in danger." I shifted uneasily at that. 'Every moment is precious,' huh? And here I was, making everyone wait just to get some sewing supplies. Stupid me.

Ah well. What's done is done. We had another fight in store before the day's end, and as much as I'd've liked to stay behind with Sumia so I could repair my shirt and jacket, she would need to be alone on the pegasus in order to rescue Chrom later.

I wondered why I couldn't have gotten stuck in a pokemon game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for Miriel. For all my vocabulary she makes me feel dumb. I can't write her for my life. (Hence why she hasn't said a word until now)
> 
> It's hard to write myself off of my medicine, especially in a different world. I feel like the change in environment would keep me occupied enough that the depression wouldn't set in real badly until a week or so in, and the misery (a combination of being bored but too tired to do anything) of not having my ADHD meds wouldn't stand out much either. As a person governed by logic on a normal day, off my medicine I'm so illogical that I'm not sure how differently I would react to things. Not to mention that it's very hard to get into a depressed state of mind to know what to write when I'm on as many anti-depressants as I am. Just a little. So as a result medical problems were not prominent in this chapter at all. Sorry to those who actually appreciated it!
> 
> I hope no one minds the rambling in the author's notes. I always like author's notes because you get to relate to the author and learn a little about their intentions for the story. It's exciting to be able to write my own! Let me know in a review if it's too bothersome?


	8. Th-th-the L-L-Longfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merra, former texan, attempts to deal with the bitter cold of Regna Ferox by joining forces with Robin to become a three-legged monster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember this one being fun to write!
> 
> An excerpt from my original author's note: My mom found out about the dented ceiling. She didn't seem to care…?

Cold.

Gods it was cold.

As expected, the march to Ferox was absolutely miserable. Out of desperation I had taken the green fabric I had bought and used it as a scarf for extra warmth, but the shredded side of my shirt and jacket wasn't helping things. Damn that risen for actually getting a hit in. My hood was pulled up over my cap. Maybe it looked stupid, but I was always more about function than fashion so it was no matter to me. I was grateful to whomever had brought me here for bringing me here in my boots. I couldn't imagine having to slog through the snow in tennis shoes.

And slogging we were. The snow drifts were deep here, and every step was an effort. The cold slowed down my movements even more. I didn't understand how Vaike could stand it, not even having a shirt to fend off the cold.

I shuddered to think of fighting in these conditions.

I wished I had some gloves. The three areas of your body that you lose the most heat through are the palms of your hands, the bottoms of your feet and your scalp. I had my head and feet covered, but the best I could do for my hands was put them in my pockets.

My teeth were chattering.

I was somewhat used to being cold despite living in Texas because my mom always kept the AC absurdly low. Whenever I would complain she would say I needed more meat on my bones and to grab a blanket. It was the source of many an argument. But that was at home, where blankets were available, and even then it hardly compared. Sixty degrees to below freezing? I wasn't used to those temperatures at all. My mom was right that I needed more meat on my bones. I was pretty thin because I never remembered to eat anything because of my ADHD medicine, and I was definitely paying for it. I was shivering down to my very core.

I couldn't feel my my face. I pulled my makeshift scarf up over my nose with shaking hands so that my breath would warm it up. I could always wash the snot off later.

I was so focused on staying warm and putting one foot in front of the other, _must not get left behind,_ that I didn't notice the footsteps behind me until someone put a hand on my shoulder. I must have jumped a mile in the air. Guess the cold didn't dull my reflexes.

"Do you want my coat?" It was Robin, looking taken aback by my reaction.

No. Nuh-uh. I was the one who offered my jacket to people, not the other way around! I never went anywhere without my jacket because I always needed the extra pockets, but since my ADHD medicine kept me warm as a side effect of being a stimulant, I would lend my jacket out to people who couldn't take cold AC back when I still went to school. It was something I was a little bit proud of, to be able to do that.

Aside from my own pride, Robin would be as bad off as I was now without his coat. He may not know it, but he was from the hot country of Plegia. He wouldn't last an hour out here.

That's not to say there wasn't a third option. It wouldn't be the first time I'd shared a garment meant for one, but could I really swallow down my embarrassment to do it?

I looked at Robin, who didn't look like he was shivering at all under his thick purple coat. Okay, yes. Yes, if I could be warm enough not to shiver, I was willing to swallow down my embarrassment.

"M-maybe we c-c-could sh-share?" My chattering teeth made it hard to get the short sentence out, but I managed. Robin looked surprised at the question, not expecting something other than a yes or no. He took a second to respond, probably trying to process the very out-there idea. I worried that I was asking too much.

A gust of wind threw a bunch of tiny ice crystals in our faces, which led him to his decision. "I guess it would be better than no coat at all, right?" He gave a shaky smile.

"Oh thank the gods, thank you." I scurried under his arm, hiding in the warms folds of dark fabric. Holy gods, it was warm under here. "How do you not burn up in this in normal weather?" The question was out before I really thought about it.

Another voice answered before the he could form a response. "Judging by the designs on his coat, he's likely plegian. It's a desert country, so whether he claims to remember it or not he's accustomed to such temperatures." Frederick rode up from behind us, looking awfully comfy on his horse instead of walking like we were. "You'd best speed up a bit, I'm the tail end of everyone. We wouldn't want to leave our new recruits behind, would we?"

"No," I quickly answered before trying to speed up, only to accidentally step out of the coat. The wall of cold air immediately sucked all the just-gained warmth from me and reached down to my bones. I hurriedly scooted back under the coat to recover. "Maybe we should work on syncing our steps?" I suggested.

"I think that's a wise idea," Robin replied. So, with some trial and error, we managed to sync our steps like we were running a three-legged race. We readjusted a little, so I had my arm in one sleeve and he had his in the other. It was a tight fit, but worth it. In this way we passed Frederick and started to catch up with the others.

We caught up to Lissa first, unfortunately. She spotted our awkwardly trudging form instantly and snickered. "L-looks like you t-t-two are g-getting awfully close," she commented shakily. She looked as cold as I was a few minutes ago.

I felt my face turning red and tried to hide, but only succeeded in scrunching closer to Robin. Warm, but proved exactly what she was saying. It was a no-win situation no matter what I did. Robin wisely said nothing, as nothing he could say would make things any better.

Virion sidled over to the giggling princess. "Would the lady like to f-follow their example?" He smoothly attempted to flirt. Ah, Virion, why do I always forget about you?

Lissa took one look at the archer and called out, "F-F-Freberick! I'm f-f-freebing!" DENIED.

"Stand beside my horse, milady. She'll protect you from the wind." Came the knight's prompt response. He closed the distance between us quickly and provided the princess with a wind blocker. Her shivering calmed down some.

Robin stopped walking and I almost fell out of his coat again. "So this is the fortress?"

What? I looked up and saw that yes, the Longfort was in sight. I could barely make out small forms on the wall if I strained my eyes. Damn, I was hoping by some miracle it would be unattended and we could go in without a fight. I really, really dreaded fighting in this weather. It would require leaving Robin's coat, for one thing, plus I was worried about how much the cold would slow down my movements. My biggest asset was nerfed, basically, and I didn't know how I was going to survive a battle without it.

I tuned back in to hear, "Remember, everyone, your actions here reflect upon Ylisse." Well then. I hoped I hadn't missed anything important.

In the brief amount of time we had before we were close enough to talk with Raimi, I voiced my concerns to Robin. "This cold is slowing me down. I'm not sure how effectively I'll be able to fight like this."

The tactician thought for a moment. "Miriel's a fire mage. Why don't you try pairing up with her? It might be warmer around her magic." He came up with the solution in no time at all.

"Worth a shot!" Maybe this fight wouldn't be so miserable after all. I finally wouldn't be fighting alone!

All too soon we had arrived right in front of the Longfort and it was time to watch things go down. The blurry forms on the wall had multiplied, and being closer I could now see them more clearly. Archers.

Statistically, in real life archers were one of the best things an army could have before modern weapons because they had the highest kills-per-person ratio. In Fire Emblem they were useful, but not exactly the most important units you could have. I personally preferred wind mages because they could attack from multiple ranges and still had an advantage over flying units. But this wasn't a game anymore, and I suspected that the game's rules were somewhat moot point.

"Trouble on the wind, milord: The Feroxi Guard are mobilizing." Frederick informed us.

"What?! Why?" Chrom's look of confusion almost made me laugh out loud.

"Who can say?" Frederick made to continue, but I interrupted.

"Ferox's politics are basically who wins what battle. They're going to fight us no matter what we say. I told you there were going to be two more battles before we could talk to the Khans, didn't I?" I paused to think for a moment, not used to talking so much to these people yet. "I uh, wouldn't advise charging straight in though. If we don't try to negotiate first they might think of us as actually hostile and call for reinforcements instead of letting us in." Plus then Sumia might not make it in time, but saying that would only lead to more questions. If nothing else thanks to Robin's marvelous coat, my feet were cold, and I wanted to get this over with.

"Halt! Who goes there?!" Raimi called down from the fortress wall.

"In the name of house Ylisse, I seek an audience with the khans!" Chrom called back.

While they argued I watched the skies, anxious to make sure Sumia got here in time. I wouldn't want a game over on my hands.

"I've heard quite enough!" Raimi finally lost her patience with us supposed brigands. "Attack!"

Not needing to be told twice, the lancers on the wall threw their lances at Chrom. Out of nowhere (and it really was, because I had seen hide nor hair of her in the skies) Sumia swept through on her new pegasus and Chrom was gone, just in time for the lances to converge where he had been.

While our fearless leader was having his little moment with Sumia, the rest of us prepared to fight.

"Alright, we need to split into two groups!" Robin took over, showing his aptitude to his role of our tactician. "Vaike, do you have your axe?"

Vaike shrugged. "It's not his, but Teach took one off a risen earlier."

"Good. You'll go right with Chrom and Sumia. Sully, you go too."

"Roger that." Sully grabbed Vaike and pulled him up on her horse and rode off after Sumia's pegasus.

"Merra, you go left with Miriel as we discussed. Virion and Frederick, you follow them." Frederick didn't look happy with the arrangement, whether it was because he was separated from his lord or because he was taking orders from Robin in particular, but he did not argue.

"Lissa, you and Stahl made a pretty good team last time. You stay behind and heal whomever you see get hurt. You should be able to reach both groups from here." Robin went over a mental checklist. He didn't think he was missing anyone. "Alright, get going!"

"Right!" I regretfully left the warm confines of Robin's coat, face red (from the cold, I'd say) and jittery with nerves. I couldn't believe I'd done that. That had been really bold of me, and he had just gone along with it!

The sound of an arrow whizzing by brought me out of my thoughts and back to the present. Right, I had to fight people now. I took my hands out of my pockets and unsheathed my sword, the blade clearly shaking in my hands. I was already starting to shiver again. I'd have to get this over with quickly.

I charged ahead of Miriel (a mage should always be protected behind a close-range unit) at the nearest feroxi guard, who happened to be an archer. He saw me coming and nocked another arrow. I kept charging anyway, hoping that if I got close enough he'd be powerless against me like in the games. (Even though I suspected the game mechanics were moot point here anyway.) I could see the panic on his face as he saw I wasn't stopping, and he fumbled the bow and dropped the arrow. Poor guy.

I hit him upside the head with the flat of my (Robin's) blade, but that was only enough to daze him. I frowned. I was at a loss of how to take the guy down without fatally wounding him. I didn't want that on my conscience yet, not when I knew that this battle was not one of animosity but a simple misunderstanding. These people were supposed to become our allies in the near future.

 _Thuk!_ Pain blossomed in my shoulder and the force of an impact almost knocked me off my feet. I looked down to see an arrow protruding from my shoulder, and I was confused. Hadn't the archer dropped his arrow? I heard the _thew!_ of another arrow releasing and dropped, but too slow. Before I hit the ground a second arrow lodged itself next to the first one. Goddamn shit that hurt!

The cold was slowing down my thinking. I needed to…what did I need to do? What was I doing?

The snow felt nice. It reminded me of the ski trips I'd gone on with my dad, when I'd lay down on top of the mountains and watch the snow fall. It was almost more fun than the skiing. But something wasn't right…

Blood colored the snow red. I heard Miriel shouting for Lissa and the roar of a fire spell. The flames brought with them warmth, though only a little reached me as they were directed at the enemy. The out-of-place heat brought back some clarity and I remembered that wowee, I was in the middle of a battle! The clarity also snapped me out of my numb feeling and I was rudely reminded of the _arrows lodged in my shoulder._

I tried my best to ignore them and get up, but putting weight on that arm to rise was agonizing. Using my other limbs just reminded me of all the activity I'd already done today, and by the time I was standing my entire body was complaining about one thing or another.

More fire coming from Miriel's direction. I couldn't let her fight alone. Wounded or not, mages shouldn't be in direct line of fire. If it hadn't been me, it would have been her. I stood a little straighter. I had done my job, and it was time to continue.

I turned back to the fray and saw that there was not one, but two archers. The first one that I had dazed was burning on the ground. I hoped there were healers nearby. The second one must have been the one who had shot me, and now he set his sights on Miriel.

"Oh no you don't!" I stepped in front of the mage and then braced myself for yet another puncture wound because I really hadn't thought that one through, only to hear a _clink!_ and feel nothing.

Wha…?

The archer looked confused too, and quickly tried again only to get the same result. The arrow seemingly hit an invisible wall and fell to the ground.

Oh. Oh my gosh this was amazing. I was almost doubled over laughing in the middle the battlefield, because I realized we had something Ferox didn't: a Kellam.

"Kellam? Is that you?" I asked the space in front of me. Now wasn't the time for a conversation, but if Chrom and Robin could have long conversations in one turn, why couldn't I?

"You can see me?" Came faintly in return. I saw a vague shadow now between us and the archers.

"Kind of?"

"How do you know my name? They forgot to introduce me yesterday."

"Um, Sumia told me?" She seemed like someone who'd try to keep track of everyone. But I could see the remaining archer redirecting his attention elsewhere; now really wasn't the time to chat. "Hey, could you cover Miriel while I have Lissa heal me up?"

"Sure! Go get those looked at." The shadow faded away again somehow and I was dismissed.

I could already see Lissa and Stahl on their way since Miriel had called them over earlier. I looked at the arrows still sticking out of my shoulder. I was amazingly lucky that they hadn't landed somewhere more vital—instead I just couldn't use my left arm. Joy. Was it just me, or were these injuries getting worse every battle?

Wanting to get this done quickly, I bit down on my green fabric "scarf" (I wasn't sure how much this was going to hurt) and used my sword to lop off the ends of the arrows. Just because Lissa could heal didn't mean I could just leave them in.

Ugh, time for the really painful part.

On the count of three, I grabbed the end of the first arrow sticking through my back and yanked. It…gods it hurt. But the arrow was out at least, and the wound was now free for healing. I grabbed the other one.

"Merra wait!" I saw Lissa peeking out from behind Stahl as they approached.

I looked at her and yanked out the second arrow. Wait for what?

"…Never mind. Here." She raised her staff and just like that, the pain was gone. But now there were new holes in my jacket and shirt. Wonderful.

"Thank you!"

"Uh-huh! Just be more careful!" She patted Stahl's arm and he turned back around, presumably to get back within shouting distance of the other group.

I turned back around to where I had left the others and saw that they were up on the wall now. As I watched, Frederick took care of the last swordsman on the ground. Alright, guess it was time to join everyone on the wall.

Eyeing the stairs and not liking what I saw, I slogged through the snow after the great knight. "Frederick! Could I have a lift?"

He eyed me with distaste before saying, "Fine," and pulling me up on his steed. Yes! Laziness rules!

Of course, once we were on the wall Frederick kicked me off, but it was completely worth it to not have to do all those stairs, yessir.

I took a second to get my bearings. Kellam was nowhere to be seen, which didn't necessarily mean anything, Virion was shooting at a heavily armored knight with little success, Miriel was casting fires at an axe-user and there was a feroxi soldier unconscious (I think) on the ground. I decided to help out Virion, since he was the one playing with metaphorical fire. He was fast enough to dodge most of the lance knight's attacks, but his arrows plinked off of the knight's armor uselessly.

"On your left!" I warned the archer, rushing past him to try to whack the knight. Oh, I whacked him, but honestly all that happened was a loud clang and the knight turned his attention to me and away from Virion. _Okay. I'm bad at this, but it shouldn't be that bad. I've got people to back me up now._ I tried to encourage myself as I jumped back out of the way of the knight's lance. Springing forward again, I tried for an upward swing into his armpit, (an area difficult to cover in armor if I remembered right) only to miss and clang against armor again. Virion understood what I was trying to do and landed a couple arrows in the gap. I had a few more moments to attack as the knight was knocked slightly off-balance by the arrows, but I still hit armor. I had to jump back again once he recovered and swung his lance at me.

The skirmish continued in this way, with Virion and I dancing around the knight but unable to damage him in return.

This was really frustrating. Was every opponent going to be this much hassle?

There was something glowing in my peripheral vision and I had the good sense to _duck_ before the knight in front of me was roasted in his armor.

"Distraction kills." Miriel, everybody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly my original author's note works fine here, even if it's long. 
> 
> I never liked weak main characters. They get very old after a while, always getting hurt, always needing to be saved. But at the same time I'm not exactly strong by any means. Merra will have the opportunity to surpass me and grow over time, but right now she's still on my level. Which means that as much as I hate it, she's a kind of weak character. But what we lack in strength we make up for with stubbornness and pride! (And pain tolerance, apparently) Hopefully I'll be able to show that soon. 
> 
> Oh, and when I mentioned it not being the first time I'd shared a garment meant for one I was talking about a time I shared a rain poncho with one of my friends at Scarborough Fair. You know, one of those clear plastic ones. It was storming pretty hard and we only had one poncho, so we made due. We tore the head hole to be wider so we could both fit and became a two-headed poncho monster. It was great! (Also again at Scarborough, when I hid under my brother's cloak because it was sixty degrees and windy and I only had on a thin dress.)
> 
> Eheh, Merra should really give Robin's sword back to him sometime. She's not going to forget it's his anytime soon.
> 
> I did some research on arrow wounds for this, and I really just went with the easiest solution. It could have gone a lot worse. Turns out when the tendon holding the arrow to the shaft gets wet it loosens, so if the arrowhead is lodged in a body, the blood will cause it to fall off of the shaft. So when you pull the shaft out, you could leave the arrow in and that's a real pain to even find to remove. I went with having the arrows going all the way through because honestly that's how it happened in Lord of the Rings and it's a lot less fuss that way.


	9. Tourney Naps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robin embarrasses himself and Merra falls asleep in the middle of a roaring crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the time I wrote this chapter I was still a hermit who had no school or job to go to and thus never left the house. As a result social situations were near-impossible for me. It's a far cry from the me of now, who actually enjoys working customer service. So what's the solution to not knowing how to write said social situations? Falling asleep, of course!

While we were dealing with the knight, Frederick went straight for Raimi. By the time we were through, so were they. Just like that, the fight was over.

Chrom walked over to Raimi and helped her up. She cleared her throat. "A thousand apologies, Prince Chrom. I truly took you for brigand imposters. But no frauds could ever have waged battle like you just have! I will send word to the capital and escort you there personally." She quickly left.

"Battle r-really does solve everything in Ferox," I muttered. Raimi's logic always seemed flawed to me. I understood, but surely there were brigands who were good fighters somewhere in the world, right? And she would have just let them in if they beat her?

"Amazing. Her whole demeanor changed." Robin's awed voice came from behind me. I jumped, of course, not hearing him get so close. I fought the impulse to run back under his coat. It was still cold, and now I was sweaty from battle, making it colder, and any form of warmth sounded amazing right now. But at the same time I'd embarrass myself. My pride fought with my discomfort.

While I was debating the conversation continued, and it wasn't until people started walking away that I realized it was over. Robin looked back at me when he realized I wasn't moving, lifting one arm in invitation. At this I finally broke and raced under his arm, burrowing into his coat. This got more than a few raised eyebrows, but it was so _warm_ I didn't care.

The walk to the capital was blissfully short, and before long we were indoors. I escaped the coat with a quiet thank-you before I could wear out my welcome.

"Prince Chrom, please wait here while I retrieve the Khan."

"Of course" Chrom complied. Raimi left.

"The Khan is away?" I heard Robin ask as I turned away, walking to the nearest wall so I could lean on it. Adrenaline having worn off, I was once again exhausted.

The conversation continued without me. "Out training, I'd wager." Chrom stated. "The khans of Ferox prefer battle to politics. Or rather, like Merra pointed out, battle IS their politics."

Gods I was out of shape. I had to push myself to my limits at every turn to keep up with the shepherds, and my body was letting me know my efforts were not appreciated. Leaning on the wall took some weight off of my feet, which ached like nothing else.

"A warrior ruler, eh?" Robin began. "I can picture him now…" Oh no, I knew where this was going. I fiddled with the inside pockets of my jacket as a distraction from the embarrassing scene about to happen, trying to find the waterskin Frederick had given to me. "A giant man of unparalleled thew, his broad chest covered in hair, heheh…" Why Robin, Why?

I found my waterskin. It was frozen solid, of course.

"Am I now?" A new voice asked. "…Please, do go on!"

"Huh?" Robin jumped, face turning bright red as he realized the voice, presumably of the Khan he had just been describing, was not masculine at all. I put a hand over my face and wished I could disappear. Secondhand embarrassment is a cruel mistress.

"You're the—?! Er, that is to say…the khan, I assume?" Chrom sputtered. Real smooth.

Flavia's lips twitched in amusement. "One of them, yes—the East-Khan. My name is Flavia." I stopped paying attention. I knew what she was saying was important, but I also knew the gist of what was being said. There are two khans, only one being in charge at a time. The decision of which one rules is left to a tournament, where each khan selects a champion.

We were visiting Ferox to get aid with quelling the risen that were appearing in Ylisse. But since Flavia was not the reigning khan, she couldn't help us. Why we couldn't just ask the reigning khan I didn't know, but long story short she roped us into participating in the tournament. Thank you, Flavia.

My attention span wasn't doing me any favors. I don't know how long I was lost in my thoughts, but when I zoned back into reality I was alone. Had they left me? This was starting to become a trend. I had thought at least Lissa would remember me.

Now, where could they have gone?

I shifted my weight from foot to foot, trying to relieve the ache that standing around had caused. There weren't very many exits to the room, but considering this was probably a central part of the building, whatever direction I chose to go was crucial.

Playing the game did not give me a sense of direction. If I ever got back to my world, I'd definitely try to convince Nintendo to provide some maps…yeah, that would go over well. "Hey Nintendo! You need to make maps for the poor schmucks who get stuck in your games! I was so lost in there!" Right.

I realized I had gotten lost in my thoughts again and shook myself out of it. Now was no time to go losing track of reality; that's exactly why I got left behind!

I felt a pang of familiar disappointment at the thought. Being left out was nothing new to me. There was a reason I enjoyed being alone. Mostly because social interaction was tiring, but still. I remember going on a trip to Australia with thirty-five peers, including a childhood friend that I had drifted away from a bit. The trip, which was advertised to be an amazing, life-changing thing, was supposed to be an eye-opening experience, but it was a bit…lacking. There was nothing wrong with the trip itself, but I didn't fit in with the other kids. I didn't even speak to my childhood friend despite the fact that I thought we would have stuck together like glue, I sat alone on the bus despite the partner rule, and I got left behind in numerous stores. Oh, it opened my eyes. I learned that I didn't do well in groups, and I learned that it's possible to feel alone in a crowd.

On the bright side, I learned how to be happy alone and that I get along well with strangers. It really was an amazing trip, even if it was somewhat bittersweet.

Aaron always said I was good at finding silver linings.

I missed home.

No, missing home was _bad,_ and had I really gotten lost in my thoughts _again?_ I hadn't even made it halfway across the room!

Footsteps sounded from the doorway to my left, bringing me out of my moping. Had someone come back for me?

Oh, it was just a guard. Well, maybe he could help me anyway.

"Uh, excuse me?" I mumbled unsurely. The guard noticed me for the first time and slowed to a stop.

"Do you need something?" He asked. He sounded a bit annoyed.

I considered how I wanted to word my question. "Do you know where the Shepherds are?" That was a start.

"They're in the arena," he stated like it was obvious. He made to continue walking.

"Where's the arena?" I blurted, not wanting him to leave when I still had no idea where to go.

He tried giving me directions, but upon seeing my eyes glaze over as I lost focus he sighed. "Follow me."

It was an awkwardly quiet walk to the arena, the guard clearly not happy to be showing some foreigner to someplace so well known.

"We're here," he snapped me out of my thoughts. I thanked him and he left without replying. What a nice guy.

I decided to ignore his attitude and took in my surroundings. The stands were practically roaring, the crowd amped up for the fight. Turns out that the guard had been nice enough to drop me off near the shepherds, as I saw Stahl chatting with Sully as they waited for the tournament to start. I worked my way over to them.

"Hey," Sully greeted. "I was worried we lost ya." She and Stahl scooted over to give me some room.

Sully was worried about me? "Yeah, me too." I settled down on the bench, suddenly hit by a fresh wave of exhaustion. How many battles had I fought today? I was glad I wasn't fighting in the tournament. Poor Chrom and the other saps who got stuck in it.

Stahl started explaining the rules of the tournament to me, but I found it hard to listen. The roar of the crowd started to dull, and before I knew it I had nodded off.

* * *

 

I was on a battlefield.

Well of course I was on a battlefield; I was in the midst of battle after all.

Fresh pain of a new cut on my upper arm reminded me that the midst of battle was no time to be spent thinking, and I refocused my attention on fighting my opponent.

Too much attention, it turned out, as while I focused on the soldier in front of me I got stabbed in the back by another behind me. I screamed in agony, louder when the blade was pulled out. With the weapon no longer hampering gravity I fell to my knees. The soldier I was fighting left, seeing as I was done for, in search of a new target.

"No!" A short scream of anguish from over my shoulder, and Robin came into view, bowling over the soldier who had run me through. They rolled out of my sight. I struggled to stay upright through the pain and ever-growing weakness, but ultimately crumpled to the ground as my strength left me.

Sully rode by, sparing me a quick glance. "Good riddance," she scoffed.

What?

Tears flowed freely, from pain, despair, and betrayal, and I fought to breathe through the blood that was surely pooling in my lungs by now. What little strength I had left was leaving me. My senses dulled, my vision narrowed and darkened. All of it slowly, so very slowly, faded away as all I could do was lay there as the battle raged around me.

Lissa hurried by, but I was too weak to call out to her. Frederick's horse had the gall to actually step over me. A soldier tripped over me at full speed, face-planting into the ground before scrambling to his his feet and continuing on.

I groaned in pain. Didn't people in movies die, like, immediately when they were stabbed through the back? Not that I wanted to die, not really, but why wasn't it over with already? Just my luck that I got to suffer a slow death.

Something landed in front of me that I could barely make out through my dimming vision.

"Ro…bin…?" I managed to croak. He was in the same predicament as me, it looked like, doomed to bleed out slowly. He looked at me, eyes filled with pain and remorse.

"S-sorry…I couldn't…avenge you…" he whispered. I barely heard it. My tears flowed faster. Robin had gotten himself killed because of me?

Gods, I just wanted this to end.

"Robin!" Chrom skidded to a stop and knelt down, completely ignoring me. He put his hands over the biggest wound in a futile attempt to slow the bleeding. "Lissa!" His voice cracked.

While he was looking around wildly for his sister, I kept my eyes on Robin. Something was wrong. I mean, aside from the obvious.

My hunch proved correct, unfortunately, and things went from bad to worse. The blood leaking through Chrom's fingers turned black, and Robin's eyes filled in with solid red, four more opening up on his cheeks.

Grima.

Grima gave a bone-chilling laugh, throwing Chrom off of him, getting up, and dusting himself off.

I coughed weakly, gurgling through the blood that came up. I tried to scoot away, but was too weak to move.

Grima looked at me and _grinned._ "Enjoy the show, foolish player."

And right before my eyes, he brutally slaughtered them all. It wasn't until the last Shepherd fell that finally, finally, the all-encompassing darkness took me.

* * *

 

I woke up crying. Sobbing actually. Thankfully the roar of the crowd was loud enough to drown out any sound I made, so Sully and Stahl hadn't noticed.

New problem: I couldn't stop crying. _Why couldn't I stop crying?_ I was better than this, come on. It was just a dream. A really, really awful, terrible dream. The two cavaliers were going to notice if I didn't stop soon. A quick glance through blurry tears told me that the tournament was almost over, Chrom and Marth being the only fighters left.

With some effort, I got my breathing under control, eventually calming down completely. What was that? That was strange. The last time I couldn't stop crying was…oh. Anxiety attack. If that was the case then it was a wonder I was able to stop on my own, and so quickly. Normally during an anxiety attack I would cry so hard and for so long that my entire body would fall asleep from lack of oxygen.

I thanked my lucky stars that I was able to stop and hurriedly wiped my eyes on my jacket. What a miserable dream. It preyed on some of my biggest fears: failing everyone, being hated, and the deaths of my friends, bonus points if it's because of me.

The cacophony of the crowd somehow got _louder,_ and I shook myself out of my thoughts. Presumably Chrom had just won the tournament.

Stahl looked over at me and his cheering stopped. "Are you okay Merra? Your eyes are all red and puffy."

"I'm fine," I said curtly. I didn't like it when people saw my emotions get the best of me. I was fine now, there was no use in anyone worrying.

"Come on, let's go find the other khan." Sully began pushing through the crowd, heading down towards the arena. If she saw the condition of my face, she gave no indication.

 _"Good riddance,"_ she had said in the dream. I knew it was just a dream, but it wore down on my insecurities. Was I just a nuisance?

I knew the shepherds were accepting, they had to be with what a motley crew they end up being by the end of the game, but it was hard to convince myself I was really a part of them. What if they were faking being nice to me? What did I have that made me worthy of being one of them? Surely they saw that I had no idea what I was doing, that I had no right to be within their ranks.

Sully and Stahl had reached the arena level by the time I shook myself out of my worrying, and I hurried to catch up. It looked like the Shepherds that had participated in the tournament were Chrom, Frederick, Miriel, Robin, and Virion. Lissa had been waiting on the sidelines with the feroxi healers. That explained why it was just Sully and Stahl in the stands.

Surprisingly, despite my delay I arrived early in the post-battle conversation. I was just in time to hear Lissa expressing a liking for Marth. I didn't blame her. I wondered, if Lissa knew he was a she, would she still admire him? I did. I crushed on Marth, well, Lucina, almost as much as I crushed on Robin. Almost.

I turned my thoughts elsewhere before I embarrassed myself. Not that anyone could hear my thoughts, but I was paranoid. Maybe something would show on my face.

"Merra!" As if she really could read my thoughts, Lissa asked, "You think Marth is cool too, right?" Then she got a better look at me. "Are you alright? Your eyes…"

"Are puffy, I know." I huffed. "And of course I think Marth is cool. He saved our lives!" I changed the subject.

Lissa got a glint in her eyes and I immediately regretted admitting having any mind of fondness for the swordsman. She was going to be one of _those_ friends, great. I should have known better after she teased me and Robin about sharing his coat. I was giving her way too much ammo.

"As fascinating as this subject is, ladies, it is best we return home. The exalt will want news of our new alliance immediately." Frederick interjected.

"Right as always, Frederick." Chrom stated.

"Hold, boy. Before you go, I have a little present for you." A deep voice spoke up. It was Basilio, the west-khan, whose introduction I had missed.

Ah, Time for Lon'qu's introduction.

Basilio clapped a hand on the swordsman next to him's shoulder. "This here is Lon'qu. Not much for talking, mind you, but he's peerless with a sword. As good as Marth in my mind." The. West-kahn shook his head. "To be honest, I can't figure out how Marth bested him so quickly."

"Marth beat him?" Lissa asked, aghast. "But he looks so big and strong!" She got up in his personal space while she was talking, examining his arms. Lissa, really?

Lon'qu reeled back at her proximity. "Away, woman!"

I snorted at the scene. The slight panic in his voice was a stark contrast to the strong, silent motif he had had going on.

Lissa looked at me in bewilderment. "W-what did I say?"

Basilio laughed a full belly-laugh before composing himself. "Let's just say that the ladies put Lon'qu on edge. Nonetheless, he is capable. Perhaps he even has the makings of a khan." I didn't see how his fighting skill had anything to do with being a good political leader—oh right, this was Ferox. Never mind. "Consider him West Ferox's contribution to the Ylissean cause."

"You're certain about this?" Chrom asked.

"Yes, yes, he's your man now." It always seemed weird to me that the game just gives you Lon'qu in such a way. Why would Basilio want to give away his best champion? Whatever the case, we now had a new ally.

"And Lon'qu? You have no objections?" Chrom made sure he wasn't recruiting someone who didn't want to be there.

Another of my favorite lines! "He gives orders. I stab people. I think our roles are clear." I said the words at the same time Lon'qu did, causing an odd echoing effect. The swordsman took notice, sending me a scrutinizing look that made me want to kick myself. What a first impression. He probably thought I was a mind reader or something now.

Chrom gave slight pause at the unusual response but took it in stride. Yes, I believe he was beginning to get used to the idea that the Shepherds were never going to recruit anyone normal. "Alright then. Welcome aboard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Original author's note again) I had a hard time with this chapter, between battling writer's block and balancing dialog with internal thoughts, actions, and trying to understand how I would feel without my meds without it taking over the story. (This chapter tried to focus on the depression setting in but turned into major anxiety instead. They kind of go hand-in-hand though, right?) The dialog specifically was a challenge because there's just so much of it! And it's pretty much all needed to tell the story. I don't have the patience for long conversations. I just shut down when they go on too long.
> 
> And before you ask, No, I do not enjoy killing Robin. I know it's the second time, but understand, this is how my nightmares work. People I care about and/or look up to either die or hate me, or both. My subconscious can be cruel, and I have no doubt it would torment me with Robin in particular if I was stuck in Fire Emblem without my medicine. I am a human-shaped manifestation of angst when unmedicated. And no, the pain was not just for dramatic effect; I can feel pain in my dreams. Apparently that's not normal?


	10. Coming Into Focus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merra and Robin discuss the future and Maribelle gets kidnapped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I totally forgot about the existence of Vaike last chapter. He should've been in the stands with Sully and Stahl. Woops! I'm not going back to edit.
> 
> OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT SUMIA TOO.
> 
> Kellam wasn't mentioned on purpose at least.
> 
> In the original author's note I sort of panicked and barfed out a huge long paragraph about how it turns out I'm not only asexual, (mentioned briefly in chapter 3) but also aromantic. Which kind of makes it hard to romance Robin. Long story short, Merra may not have figured that out yet, but this is my story, so I'll write it my way. If it looks romantic, fine, but if it comes across as a platonic relationship that's good too. 
> 
> Oh yeah, and remember Aaron? My, and by extension, Merra's, boyfriend? Yeah, so I broke up with him since I couldn't drum up any romantic feelings even after over a year of dating. Of course, Merra is in Ylisse and doesn't have that choice to make. So that's awkward.

When Frederick said we needed to get back to Emmeryn to report immediately, he wasn't joking; We gathered our mounts and left without even staying for a meal.

Back outside in the cold, being under Robin's coat wasn't even a question at this point. Lissa laughed at us at first, but the longer she had to walk in the snow on her own, the more jealous she looked. I smirked to myself. _Betcha wish you were under here right now, Princess._ it was kind of mean to think, but at least I was thinking it and not saying it.

The sun was high in the sky, surprising me with how early it still was in the day. We had marched from one country to another and fought at least two battles (three for some people) and it was only early afternoon. We must have left for Ferox earlier than I'd realized.

Before long the snow changed to grass, and I excused myself from Robin's coat. It was warmer now and there was no reason to stay and make walking more difficult than it had to be.

To my surprise, instead of walking away to socialize with someone else Robin stayed with me.

He cleared his throat. "Is there anything I should know about coming events?"

That came out of nowhere. "What do you mean?"

"Your psychic friend seems to have told you an awful lot. It's as if you already know us, even what we look like, and you haven't been surprised about any major events even though I can tell you haven't been paying attention half the time. As the tactician of the army, I need to use all of my resources." He paused for breath. "So is there anything I need to know?

Well when you put it that way…"I don't want to tell too much about the future, but you are a tactician. To take a quote from someone whom you don't know yet, 'the future is not written.' If anyone can figure out what's safe to change, it's you." I thought about what exactly I was going to say. I had been putting it off, but Emmeryn's death was approaching, and like every fanfiction I read I was going to do my damnedest to stop it. But should I tell Robin about that now, or wait until we could talk in private? I was worried that if Chrom overheard then he would charge straight in and something unpredictable would happen and mess everything up. So I couldn't tell Robin about that quite yet. But I could give us an edge in the oncoming battles…

"There are a few things we need to talk about actually, but I don't want anyone overhearing and potentially changing things that we don't understand. Right now though I think it's safe to tell you the settings of the next few battles, if I can remember. That'll allow you to plan and prepare for all the different terrains.

"Next battle will take place on the border between Ylisse and Plegia. It will be on a large hill. Our opposition will be scattered over the hill while we'll start the battle from the bottom, so they'll have the high ground. After that—"

"Wait," Robin requested. "Do you have something to write this down on?"

Looks like my journal was going to get some use. "Yeah. Can you write and walk?" If Robin's thunder tome was any indication, language was written differently in this world, making me effectively illiterate.

"No time like the present to learn." He shrugged. I handed him my journal and pen. He didn't question the modern pen, perhaps not knowing that it wasn't normal in this world due to his amnesia. "Okay, continue."

"Alright. The next battle will take place inside the castle I believe. We'll hopefully recruit a thief named Gaius, that is if Chrom doesn't kill him first." I added that last part because that had happened the first time one of my friends played, and she was horrified when she realized a couple chapters later who exactly Chrom had killed. It almost happened to me when I played too, because Gaius attacked Chrom the turn before he was recruited and Chrom almost one-shot him. Anyway, continuing. "We should also recruit a Taguel named Panne."

"Taguel?"

"You'll see. Marth will be aiding us that battle as well. After that my memory gets fuzzy. I think the next fight will be on some cliffs, where we'll gain another pegasus knight named Cordelia. And then there's a battle in the desert…or was that before the cliffs? Well in the desert battle we should recruit a dark mage named Tharja and a war cleric whose name I have forgotten. It starts with L, and isn't Lucius or Loren or Lind. Then there'll be a battle in stormy weather around what looks like a giant ribcage? Then we'll be back out on plains where we'll recruit a dancer named Olivia. I think that's all before the two year gap." I waited for Robin to finish writing everything down. "…That wasn't very helpful, was it." It was more a statement than a question.

"It was a little bit helpful," Robin tried to assure me.

Oh crap, I had forgotten about the battle when Nowi and Gregor get recruited. When did that happen? Around the desert time? I think it was before all the Emmeryn business. So before the desert…? I had forgotten more than I'd thought. In my defense, it had been well over a year since I last played Awakening; it was only thanks to fanfiction that I had memorized the order of the battles up to this point. I doubted I would remember any lines after this, which was probably a good thing. I had weirded enough people out quoting the few lines I already had.

I scrunched my eyebrows as I wracked my brain. It bothered me that I forgot the name of the war cleric. Or was it war monk? And the order of the battles was eluding me too, and that was a strange feeling. I used to know it, I'm sure of it.

"I'll have you know, making faces does not improve one's memory. " Robin teased, guessing what was going through my head. I was making faces?

I went red and ducked my head, internally cursing myself. Really? I was doing so well keeping my cool around the tactician, and now I couldn't take a little teasing?

Wind idly swished through the tears in my clothes, reminding me that I needed to repair them soon and giving me a distraction. I didn't want to be in tatters in front of royalty. (Not that they cared.)

My tummy growled forlornly. "Do you think we'll stop for food soon?"

"I'll ask Chrom" Robin picked up the pace, leaving me behind to catch up with the prince.

I wondered, if we stopped for lunch, would that be changing things? Would they have stopped anyway? I knew once we got back to Ylisstol we'd have to leave right away for the plegian border, so eating had to happen now or never.

How many countries could we walk to in one day? First Ylisse, then Ferox, and soon we were going to Plegia. Were these countries just really small? Or maybe Ylisse was a long, thin country that was easy to cross through the middle? I couldn't remember what the map from the game looked like anymore. I couldn't remember a lot of things. It was starting to worry me.

"So~ what were you and Robin talking about?" Lissa appeared next to me with that mischievous glint in her eye.

"Tactics," I said shortly. I knew what she was thinking, and I wasn't about to give her any more ammo.

 _"Just_ tactics?"

"Yes Lissa, just tactics. I was just letting him know where the next few battles are going to take place so we can prepare for each one."

The wind taken out of her sails, Lissa's shoulders slumped, but only for a second. "What did you ask Marth about when you disappeared yesterday?" Getting nowhere talking about Robin, Lissa changed the subject to the next potential teasing topic.

"Uh…" How was I going to word this? I had asked if he recognized me, which wouldn't make sense unless it implied that we had met before, since Lissa didn't know he was from the future. But that could lead to getting teased about crushing on him from afar or something like that. I prayed for a way to escape the question for the sake of my sanity.*

To my relief, my prayers were answered by Chrom's call for a food break. Thank the gods.

* * *

 

Lunch went by smoothly enough. I was too busy scarfing down my food to talk to anyone, and once I was done I busied myself with repairing my shirt with the little extra time I had before everyone else finished. Luckily it only needed to be stitched closed and didn't require a patch, because I had forgotten to buy a pair of scissors to cut out a patch with. Although, with a sword, would I have needed scissors?

Lissa watched avidly as I made each small stitch. With nothing of her own to make or repair she had nothing to practice on, so she had settled for observing.

I was just starting on repairing my jacket when lunch was packed up and it was time to march again. I hurriedly knotted the thread and broke it with my teeth, storing the needle back in my bag.

"I'm not sure I have the patience for stitches that small." I jumped at the new voice. Sumia appeared next to us.

Was that a compliment? It was hard to tell. "Yeah, well, the smaller the stitches the better the quality, right? I make it a challenge to myself to see how many stitches I can get to fit in an area. Once it's a personal challenge, patience isn't an issue." I explained. My patience was selective. If it was something I wanted to do or I was just in the mood, my patience soared. But if it wasn't? I had a hard time. That was probably true for most people though.

We filled the time talking about sewing and crafts for a little while. Lissa's main pass-time was searching for frogs and chatting with Maribelle. Sumia's was grooming her pegasus, (or it would be once she had free time with her) and mine was games, but I couldn't very well tell them that. Instead I said that it was talking with my "psychic friend." With how much I talked about the invented friend, it was becoming harder to remind myself that she was just a cover story for my 3DS. I told myself that was a good thing. The more I believed it, the easier it would be to pull off.

I felt kind of bad for lying to the Shepherds. I didn't know why though. It wasn't even a big one, just a white lie, so what was there to feel guilty about? It's not like they would believe me if I told the truth. True, Chrom believes Lucina when she says that she's from the future, but that was only because he could see the mark of Naga in her eye and she held another Falchion, which there was only supposed to be one of. But regardless of what I told myself, the guilt was still there.

I decided to think of something else.

* * *

 

At last, we were back in the throne room. Chrom was just assuring Emmeryn that Ferox would help us when Phila rushed in.

"Your Grace! M-milord! Forgive me, but I bring alarming news!" She interrupted the conversation.

"Phila! Slow down, please." Emmeryn placated her. "What's happened?"

I knew what had happened, but even though it was unfortunate for Maribelle I had decided not to interfere. I knew we wouldn't get back in time to prevent her from being kidnapped anyway. True, stopping it could have prevented, or perhaps just postponed, the war with Gangrel, but knowing that wouldn't have gotten us here any sooner.

Or would it? If we hadn't stopped for lunch, maybe we would have had time to send an escort with the troubadour so she wouldn't get kidnapped. Was this my fault? There was no way to know, but I found myself blaming myself anyway. I had all this knowledge, though it was fading with time, (I hadn't been able to write it down in my journal yet) and I wasn't putting it to use. What a waste!

Not wanting to let myself get lost in thoughts so long I got left behind again, I tuned back in to the conversation. To my surprise, I hadn't missed much this time. Phila was talking.

"There's more: King Gangrel of Plegia claims Lady Maribelle invaded HIS country. He demands we repay reparations for this 'insult.'" She sneered in distaste as she said it.

Chrom looked legitimately offended. "And we're supposed to believe a dastard like the Mad King of Plegia?"

"Peace, Chrom, we must keep our wits about us," Emmeryn reprimanded.

In hindsight, maybe I should have said something about Maribelle's kidnapping? We could have sent someone ahead, right? Sumia could have flown the message on her pegasus and maybe gotten there in time. If preventing the war was the key to saving Emmeryn, I'd already blown it. No one had ever succeeded in the stories I'd read, but it was worth a try. I couldn't base all my choices off what I had read in fanfictions. It was all conjecture anyway. I could have kicked myself for missing the opportunity to subvert so much suffering.

But Chrom was not so easily swayed, not even by the calming effect the exalt had about her. "We should put a sword in his gut and be done with it! The Mad King has been trying to provoke war with Ylisse at every step! He won't stop until he drags the whole continent to Hell with him!"

Oh, if only he knew.

Phila agreed with Chrom, but Emmeryn did not. "I understand your feelings, Chrom. Truly, I do. But if we give him the war he wants, then we will lose, no matter the outcome. Our last conflict nearly ruined the Halidom." She reminded him. "It left Ylisseans homeless and starving. We cannot repeat that mistake." She sighed, before continuing on resolutely. "I will offer parley with King Gangrel."

"Emm no! You can't!" Lissa burst out.

I stayed quiet. This was not my place to say anything, and, though no one would know it but me, I had already done enough damage with my choices today.

"Please reconsider, your Grace. He cannot be trusted to act in good faith!" Phila pleaded.

"So we either march to war or choose to let Lady Maribelle die? No. I will not accept that." Emmeryn countered.

I bit my lip. Regardless of what Emmeryn said to Gangrel, this war was going to happen. And it all started over one person. Granted, there was a lot more to it than that, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back. From an objective view, given these factors, the smart choice would be to leave Maribelle. But that didn't make it right.

I would make a terrible leader.

Even it leaving Maribelle to die was an option the Shepherds were willing to take, which it wasn't, there would probably be something else down the road. Maybe we could stave off the war for years. Maybe even until after the two-year gap, when Walhart invaded. But then we would be under attack from two fronts if Plegia decided that its conflict with Ylisse was more important than the invading Valm. There was really no telling what would happen.

Would that be a path where Emmeryn would die? Could I really attempt to hold off the war that long? But wait, I was getting ahead of myself. The Shepherds would not leave Maribelle, and so the only way to stave off the impeding war would be to prevent Chrom from killing the first plegian soldier.

Could we try to save Maribelle without a fight? Ricken did a pretty good job from what I remember. We could distract Gangrel while Ricken saved Maribelle, then…retreat? Not that I should be relying on a young mage who I'm not even sure has seen battle yet. If anything happened, both he and Maribelle would be too far away for anyone to save them.

I needed a real tactician to help me think this over. This was too much for me alone. I tuned back into my surroundings to locate said tactician and discovered that, once again, I was alone. Gods above, was I just a second Kellam? Was I that forgettable?

"Merra? You coming?" Lissa called from a doorway I hadn't noticed before.

"Yes!" I hurried to reach her before she could leave. "Where's Robin? I have to tell him something!"

"This way," she didn't beat around the bush, hearing the urgency in my tone. "What do you need to tell him?" She asked curiously.

I suppose telling her a little couldn't hurt. "This negotiation will result in war. There might be a way to stop it, if we can stop Chrom from attacking a plegian soldier. He seems justified at the time, but the bottom line is that it's the excuse Gangrel needs to declare war. But there are too many factors. The war will end in tragedy, but I know we'll make it through. If we only postpone the war instead of preventing it, I don't know if we will. Heck, I don't know if preventing the war entirely will be a good thing in the grand scheme of things! Without it, Gangrel will still be alive, and he surely won't lend us ships in the next war."

"The next war? We're going to have more than one?" Lissa interrupted.

Shit. "I've said too much." I went quiet. These worries were meant for Robin's ear only, and maybe Emmeryn's. Chrom would need to hear a good bit of it too, especially if I failed to save Emmeryn when the time came. But Lissa? She wasn't in any position that required her to know such things.

"Did I hear lovely Lissa say there's going to be another war?" A new voice asked. We had caught up with the other Shepherds.

Ugh, of course someone overheard. I couldn't be that upset that it was Virion, though. He was somewhat of a strategist himself, or at least he was good at chess. In fem Robin's support conversations they would have matches to practice their strategy, but I didn't know if he'd had any with our Robin yet. I didn't know any of M Robin's support conversations. That could become a problem.

"Merra? My sweet, are you going to answer?" Virion pressed. Right, I had gotten lost in thought again.

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Could you try not to spread that to the other Shepherds? It's not good to know too much of the future."

"That puts you in a troubling position, does it not?" He pointed out.

I didn't answer. He was right, in a way. I never really thought of my knowledge as bad because it didn't occur to me, but this was my future now too. I was involved thoroughly. But I wasn't the only one trying to meddle with the timeline, so it couldn't be all bad. Marth was trying to change the future as well, and he succeeded.

"Sorry Virion, but Merra has to talk to Robin as soon as possible." Lissa cut the interaction short, nudging me past the archer.

"Ah, yes. Well, I'm not a bad strategist myself, you know! I'd love to pick your brain if you ever need help." He got one last word in before slowing down to allow us to pass.

We made it to the head of the party without further incident. We had almost reached the barracks, where I knew Chrom would be preoccupied telling Ricken to stay instead of helping save Maribelle. I would use this time to talk to Robin.

"Lissa! You found her." Chrom saw us first.

"She was in the throne room." Lissa explained. Ah. They had been looking for me?

Whatever. "I need to talk to Robin." I stated.

"What do you need?" Robin looked surprised.

"Away from the others," I clarified. Enough people had already overheard, I wasn't taking any more chances.

Eyebrows rose, but Robin followed me away from the party without argument. I filled him in on what was going to happen to the best of my ability, still not remembering why exactly Chrom attacked the plegian soldier and started the war, only that it was justified and would be tough to prevent. I told him of all my worries about the things I didn't know, like what would happen if we did indeed stop the war from starting this day. He took it all in, looking serious, and tired.

"Why didn't you tell me this when I asked earlier?"

Why _didn't_ I tell him this earlier? "I guess I hadn't thought of it. There were a lot of factors to go over before I could tell you."

Saving Emmeryn would take some doing. Regardless of how much work it took to actually pull off, there was also the fact that without her death to inspire plegian troops to desert, the war would be much, much harder to win. We should have been figuring this out long before now. I should have been making plans with Robin upon first meeting her. But no, I just had to sit back and relax in the early-game relative peace. Well, that wasn't exactly true. I had been delirious from lack of sleep when we first met Emmeryn. I was in no shape to even think straight, let alone make future-altering decisions. But whose fault was that? Just because I had wanted to avoid a couple of nightmares…

"Hey, don't worry about it." Robin noticed my remorseful expression. "You told me now, which might still be in time to change something. Give me a few minutes to think this over while we march, and I'll let Chrom and Emmeryn know what they need to do. We'll stop this, I promise."

Ah, how naive a promise to make. I pushed the rude thought away and nodded, hoping he was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think part of my original note will do just fine here:
> 
> Uh…this chapter didn't actually get as far as I was expecting. There was a lot more talking and planning than I thought there was going to be. But that's a good thing! It means the story is taking on a life of its own, finally. My goal was to get to meeting Gangrel, but meh, I reached three thousand words of chapter and a good stopping point first. It also got angsty? Ish? But that's to be expected when making plans that have stakes as high as war and death.
> 
> I legit forgot the war monk's name by the way. Don't tell me though I want to see if I can figure it out by the time I have to introduce him. Actually I've forgotten everything that Merra has, for obvious reasons. With my spotty memory it's amazing I remember as much as I do.


	11. Introducing King Gangrel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As expected, the negotiation with Gangrel goes south. Surely nothing bad will happen, right? It's not like Merra's going through withdrawal or anything...
> 
> Oh wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do apologize for the wait! Forgot to say that last chapter. I'm actually supposed to be applying for school right now, heh. I can do that after I post this three-chapter update, right?
> 
> An excerpt from the author's note on fanfiction: "Okay, I'm getting tired of running out of medicine. It sucks big time. I just ran out of the one that's addictive, and withdrawal hit harder than usual. Taking into account how awful I feel, I think I've actually been going easy on Merra? Woops? Not to mention I didn't really include anything medical the last couple of chapters. It's definitely coming back though because this sucks and Merra gets to suffer with me."
> 
> And suffer she does. Quick warning, an anxiety attack does happen this chapter. It starts at "The world continued to spin" and ends at "I cried myself unconscious" if you want to skip it.

The sun was lowering in the sky as we marched to the plegian border, my spirits sinking with the sun. I had thought we were going to make it to the border and back by the end of the day, since I remember the battle in the castle taking place at night, but it must not have been the same night like I had assumed. Or maybe it was? Just in the ungodly hours of the morning? I wanted to sleep, and it looked like that wasn't going to happen for a long while.

We had left the barracks with such urgency that we had not stopped to eat, and my energy was fast fading. I had already run out of water in my waterskin, but was too embarrassed to ask for more. I also didn't want to be the one to ask to eat again. I didn't want to be the weak link, even though my background easily explained why I would be. I just wasn't cut out for this.

My stomach rolled and I was hit with an odd wave of heat and chills. I felt terrible. A headache had formed upon waking up in the arena that I had been too preoccupied planning to pay attention to, but with my worries off my chest (and now on Robin's shoulders) it pounded my head incessantly.

Maybe this was more than being hungry or dehydrated.

Thankfully, it was Stahl who broke first, and we stopped to eat. I saw movement behind us when we stopped, and barely made out a short form slipping out of view behind a large rock. Ricken was following us. Good.

I ate, but it only made my stomach feel worse. What luck!

The sun was just about to set when I recognized the rolling hills that marked the location of the next fight. I hoped Robin knew what he was doing and had heeded my warnings, because I was out of ideas.

Lissa informed me that the plan hinged on distracting Gangrel while Ricken rescued Maribelle and Chrom not killing the attacking plegian. So it was loose and simple. But I had a bad feeling, and I was pretty sure it had nothing to do with my current state.

When we got close enough to make out the figures of King Gangrel and Aversa standing on a rock formation, the Mad King spoke.

"What's this then? The Exalt herself, in all her Radiance? I fear I must shield my eyes!" He threw his head back and laughed obnoxiously.

"King Gangrel," Emmeryn started politely. "I've come for the truth of this unfortunate incident between us."

Aversa butted in. "The truth? I can give you the truth."

"Perhaps milady might first share her name?" Emmeryn enquired.

"You may call me Aversa." She volunteered no more information about herself, which was annoying. I didn't know much about her, not even what class she was. Sorceress maybe? I couldn't even remember if that was a real class. Truly I needed to write everything I knew in my journal as soon as possible, because it was like I was forgetting more by the day. I knew I had researched all the classes at one point in time. Had I already begun to forget them?

"Unhand me, you gutter-born troglodyte!" Came on the wind.

"Maribelle!" Lissa called out.

"Lissa? Darling, is that you?"

"This girl crossed the Plegian border without our consent." Aversa brought the conversation back to the subject at hand. "And what's more…she wounded the brave Plegian soldiers who sought only to escort her home."

I snorted and had to hold back laughter. I hadn't remembered their lies being so ridiculous! Maribelle was a troubadour, completely incapable of dealing damage. Even if she was known to wield her parasol when angry, there was a snowball's chance in Hell she'd be able to wound anyone with it.

I settled down quickly as suppressing laughter did not agree with my pounding head. Why did I feel so bad only now? It must have been withdrawal, but it was strange that these particular symptoms chose to set in later than the others had. Had I woken up on the wrong sleep cycle in the arena?

"Such a violent temper speaks of her guilt," Gangrel mused. Aw, darn, had I missed Maribelle calling Aversa a hag? I had, hadn't I? "This will call for a weighty punishment. And if she were to later confess to being a Ylissean spy? My goodness! It would take an act of CONSIDERABLE good faith to repair our relations." I ground my teeth. I forgot how much I hated this guy, humor aside. I wondered, how did he become King?

"I have done nothing wrong!" Maribelle protested. "It is they who should confess! They are the ones who invaded Ylisse. They razed an entire village! When I attempted to intervene, they took me and dragged me across the border. Let the plundered shops and charred homes of that village serve as proof!" _Please stop talking, Maribelle. Ricken can't sneak you away while you're drawing attention to yourself._ This was a little more precarious of a situation than I had thought.

"That would only prove that Ylisse has a bandit problem—something I hear oft of late…" Gangrel mused. "But indeed, tonight I shall weep salty tears into my pillow for your dead villagers." He dramatically put a hand on his forehead and leaned his head back, as if he couldn't possibly take the news.

"Your Grace, please!" Maribelle pleaded. _Shut-up, Maribelle!_ why did Fire Emblem have to be based on so much talking?

"Peace, Maribelle, I believe you." Emmeryn stated. Hm. Gangrel wouldn't like that. "King Gangrel, I request that you release this woman at once. Surely you and I can sort out these affairs without the need of hostages."

So she wasn't going to try to appease him at all? This was the Mad King we were talking about, and one eager for war. Emm's calming aura was powerful, but I sincerely doubted it would affect Gangrel at all, and deliberately crossing him seemed like a bad idea, even if he was in the wrong. I had a feeling Emmeryn had just made a mistake.

"Without so much as an apology?" Gangrel bemoaned, unfortunately proving my hunch correct. "Why should I even bother with parley? I'm within my rights to have her head and be home in time for supper!"

"You black-hearted devil!" Chrom cried in outrage. He took a step forward but stopped, remembering that he had to stay his hand if he wanted to avoid war.

"Control your dog, my dear, before he gets someone hurt." Gangrel said nonchalantly, as if he wasn't issuing a threat but advice that he had given time and time again.

Chrom growled—not unlike a dog, in fact—at the insult, but did not move again.

Satisfied with the effect he had on the prince, Gangrel continued. "Now then, Your Graceliness. Perhaps we can arrange a trade?" He grinned widely, all teeth. "You give me the Fire Emblem, and I return Mary Contrary here in one piece."

This was going on longer than I had the attention for. Maribelle hadn't spoken up in a little bit; was that enough time for Ricken to rescue her?

Another wave of hot chills swept over me, scrambling my thoughts. I truly felt awful. I couldn't remember the last time I felt this bad. Was it when I had pneumonia? That had been so many years ago that I could hardly remember how bad it was. I worried that my warnings weren't enough, that a battle would break out and I've have to fight like this; I would surely die. Adrenaline couldn't possibly keep me afloat while feeling this bad, could it?

"—Now, give me the Fire Emblem!" Gangrel's impatient screech broke through my wallowing.

"No, Your Grace! I'd rather die than act as a bargaining chip for this filthy reprobate!" Maribelle yelled from where she was. Damn, she hadn't been rescued yet. Get a move on Ricken, before it's too late!

"No, Maribelle…" Emmeryn admonished. Her confidense visibly wavered as the negotiation began slipping through her fingers.

The world starting spinning around me, the conversation seeming to surround me and swirl together.

Gangrel ran out of patience. "Taaaaaalk talk-talk-talk-talk. It's time to speak louder than words! This negotiation is over, Your Luminosity! I'll have the Fire Emblem if I have to pry it from your shiny dead hands!"

Without realizing it I started to hyperventilate.

With Gangrel's declaration, brigands rushed Emmeryn from out of nowhere. Chrom stepped in, cutting down the first one with a "Not my sister!" He pointed his sword at the remaining would-be assassins. "Stay back! Or you'll all suffer the same fate!"

Inside he despaired, realizing he had just made the very mistake we had all been trying to prevent.

"Now that's a war declaration if I ever heard one," Gangrel declared with glee. "A big, messy war that will bleed you Ylisseans dry." He laughed, a crazy, manic laugh that I never wanted to hear again.

The world continued to spin. I could feel my eyes welling up, realized my breathing was rapid and ragged. I closed my eyes and attempted to control my breathing.

I had failed to stop the war because I couldn't remember how it started. I felt horrible, and I was going to have to fight like this. My life depended on it. I had failed I couldn't do this I was going to fail I couldn't do this I _couldn't do this—_

Before I knew it my breathing was out of control again, tears were streaming down my face, the world was spinning at a dizzying pace and I could almost hear high pitched, whirling tones to go with it and all I could think about was that _I had failed, and I was going to continue to fail._

The worst part? I had just made it worse by having an anxiety attack in the middle of what was about to become the battlefield, in front of friends and foes alike. It was humiliating, and that made me cry all the more.

"—rra. Merra!" Someone was calling my name. Finding myself on my knees, I opened my teary eyes and saw a blurry Robin kneeling in front of me, looking at me with concern. The rest of the Shepherds were mobilizing to fight, I assume under Robin's orders, sans Frederick, who was next to the tactician looking like he wanted to be somewhere else.

"I'm s-sorry," I said between sobs, "I c-can't sto-op." I hated crying in front of others. He was probably thinking I was a dead weight on the Shepherds' backs, only in nicer words because I couldn't see Robin being that judgmental. He would be right, of course, but that didn't make it any better.

"It's okay, Merra," Robin soothed. "We're going to stay here while you get yourself sorted out. Right Frederick?"

"Right," said the knight. I had a feeling he was not here by choice.

"But, th-the Shepherds need their t-tactician." I argued weakly. I really tried my best to calm down, but it wasn't working. I was just making things worse! Even Donnel would be a better fighter than me if he were here right now. Actually, well, he was pretty unreliable for the first few levels, so maybe not. But I couldn't even fight right now, making me as weak and useless as a healer without their magic.

"You're a Shepherd too, remember?" Robin's voice cut into my swirling thoughts.

 _But I'm not supposed to be._ I had no right to be there, having to learn to fight with only a couple sparring sessions with friends, instincts, and luck. I wasn't even in the right world! And I _still_ didn't know how I got here, what I was doing at the time, or why.

My head gave an almighty pound, scrambling my thoughts once again.

"Of course you're supposed to be a Shepherd, just as much as I am. Why would you think that?" Robin asked with a frown. Had I said that out loud? How much did he hear?

I chose not to answer, trying to focus on calming my breathing but unable to get enough air. I was lightheaded now and everything was tingling, from too much oxygen or a lack of it I didn't know. All I knew was that I hated the feeling and it gave me another thing to cry about, which was exactly the opposite of what I was going for. Now wasn't the time for this; there were enemies around!

Frederick stood and mounted his steed. "Robin, there are Plegians heading this way. If Merra can't calm down and defend herself, we'll have to do it for her." Way to make me feel worse, Frederick, thanks.

"We'll keep you safe," Robin assured me as he rose to his feet.

Ordinarily I'd probably be swooning, sarcastically saying, "My hero!" But as it was all I could do was pathetically nod.

I couldn't see through the salty tears, I couldn't get enough air, and I couldn't get rid of that _godforsaken tingling._ And that was on top of the headache, the roiling stomach, and the hot chills that ran through me.

The sound of sword meeting lance made me jump, but even that didn't stop my uncontrollable sobbing. Gods I was tired of crying. So, so tired…

So tired…

I cried myself unconscious.

* * *

 

Robin shot another thunder spell, trying to focus on both the fight in front of him and Merra behind him. She had gone quiet, and he didn't know if that was good or bad.

"Doing alright back there?" He threw over his shoulder. Not getting a response, he risked a glance behind him, only to see the girl slumped over on the ground. A spike of panic ran through him.

"Merra!" He abandoned the fight, trusting Frederick to take care of the soldiers who had broken off from the main force to pick them off. Kneeling beside the unconscious girl, he didn't know what to do. Should he call Lissa? Merra didn't seem to be injured, so he wasn't sure she could help.

He wasn't used to not knowing what to do. He may have been amnesiac, but he always had a plan, was always three steps ahead. But the plan to rescue Maribelle hadn't worked, and now he didn't know what to do about a situation right in front of him! He felt like pulling his hair in frustration.

"If I may, Robin," Frederick started, having already finished with his batch of Plegians, "the other Shepherds need you. I'll take care of Merra."

Robin glanced between the girl and the knight, then over at the rest of the battlefield. Gangrel had gotten away, but he had left one of his generals behind to fight the Shepherds. The Shepherds themselves were trying, but were scattered across the battlefield in a chaotic mess without their tactician to guide them. Robin sighed; how had they done anything before they found him?

"Alright. Thanks Frederick." With that, Robin made his way to the thick of the fray to gather the others and get them to fight in a way that was actually efficient.

Frederick dismounted his horse, grumbling something unintelligible. This girl was proving to be a lot of trouble; he still didn't trust her. All the times she had slowed them down or gotten left behind, what if they were done on purpose? What if when she got left behind she was reporting to someone? What if she was deliberately slowing them down, distracting their tactician, just so that they would lose? Her clothing was strange, her accent was one he'd never heard before, and overall she had been more trouble than she seemed worth, barely able to hold her own in battle. But he kept his thoughts to himself; Chrom trusted her and would not like to hear his most trusted knight speak ill of someone he considered a friend.

Before any other Plegians could appear to make his life difficult, Frederick picked her up and settled her onto his horse. So long as she didn't fall off, she would be safe with him. He would guard her with his life, if only to do his duty to Chrom.

Careful to ride as smoothly as one could in a battle to the death, Frederick charged the nearest soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'll have an angst-free chapter someday, really!" I say, looking at my track record so far. "It won't be soon, but it is coming!"
> 
> In all seriousness, this chapter was pretty exhausting to write. Anxiety attacks are exhausting, so apparently writing them is too. Weird. 
> 
> I had a lot of canon dialog here because even though Merra wanted to change the outcome of the meeting, she couldn't because she didn't remember enough information. Without knowing that Gangrel getting tired of talking is what caused the Plegian to attack Emmeryn, and thus get killed by Chrom, and only after that does Ricken rescue Maribelle, she was unprepared to change the things she set out to. Robin, despite being a great tactician, did not have enough information to change the outcome either. The fact that the canon dialog did not change despite her presence foreshadows that, or something like that.


	12. Getting a Grip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explanations, nightmares, and tent invasions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter for today!

I awoke to getting my face smashed into a metal armor plate. Not the most comfortable way to regain consciousness, to be sure, but an effective way to return to awareness with haste nonetheless. The effect was jarring, even more so when I realized I wasn't where I last remembered being. The last time that had happened I had woken up in a different world. Where was I this time?

"Your last breath approaches!" I heard from in front of me, and we—for I now realized I was riding behind Frederick on his horse, if that critical quote was any indication—surged forward, apparently ending some poor Plegian soul. I smacked into Frederick's back again from the abrupt stop.

"Could you maybe ride a little softer?" I asked, not quite coherent yet and unable to find the right words.

"We are at war, Merra; I'll do what I must." Was what I got in response. I immediately felt stupid for asking. After the stunt I had just pulled, I was asking for him to go out of his way to make me more comfortable? Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, but I refused to let them overcome me again.

I put my arms around Frederick for some stability, the armor biting through my jacket. The tingling feeling from crying too much was fading, and, aside from the new tears in my eyes, my cheeks were beginning to dry. My breathing was slow, deep, and healthy, or at least as much as it could be on a horse in the midst of battle.

Oh, gods, the war. I gripped Frederick tighter as it only just registered completely what was going on. I felt my sword, heavy on my hip, begging to be used. Maybe I could try using it from here…? But no, that would require letting go of Frederick, and I was afraid I'd drop it anyway. Guess I was just going to be dead weight for this battle. My head still hurt like nobody's business, and my stomach lurched with every movement of Frederick's horse. Resting for this one was probably for the best.

_Pathetic._

I tried not to let it get to me.

* * *

 

This battle was the first that left the battleground scattered with bodies. Secretly, guiltily, I was glad I had not contributed to that fact. I knew it was something I was going to have to do in the future, but it wasn't something I was happy about. I pushed the thought aside for later.

As soon as the last soldier fell, I had dismounted. Rather clumsily, I'll admit, but I was finally back on stable ground and that's all that really mattered. My head and stomach were grateful.

Fatigue set in, which was ridiculous. I hadn't even done any fighting! All I had done was cried and ridden a horse, some of which I was unconscious for. But, I suppose, unconsciousness did not equate to sleep, and anxiety attacks take a lot out of me. I normally sleep for an hour or two after having them.

But sleep was something I knew I was not going to get tonight, no matter how much I needed to sleep off the fatigue and withdrawal. Once we got back to the castle we would have a brief respite, then Marth would come in and warn Chrom of the assassins coming for him and Emmeryn. That would mark the start of the next battle, and then maybe after that I could get some rest.

Of course, that hinges on the idea that we would get back to the castle tonight. We might instead rest for the night, then make it back to the castle tomorrow. In that case I would have the entire day to rest up, because I knew the next battle happened at night.

I kept to myself as we marched, completely mortified that I had broken down to the point of being unable to fight in front of everyone. My face had dried and become crusty with salt. Trying to rub it off only served to irritate my skin, so I let it be.

The sun had gone down by now. The sky darkened as the last minutes of dusk faded away. I looked up at the sky; the stars were so much easier to see here than at home. They reminded me of standing on a dock in Cozumel, where the stars were so clear that you could see the Milky Way. But there was no Milky Way here; I was under a different, unfamiliar sky.

I pushed away another bout of homesickness—but was it even homesickness, when I was missing a place that wasn't home? Arguably, I felt at home in Cozumel, but home was in another country from there.

Not that it mattered. It was all out of my reach now.

Chrom called for everyone to stop for the night. Wow, really? We got to sleep?! Hallelujah! My homesickness forgotten, I eagerly followed the rest of the Shepherds to the supply wagon to grab a tent and bedroll.

A hand landed on my shoulder. "We need to talk about what happened, when you have a moment." Ah, Chrom.

I inwardly sighed and turned to face the prince. "Can I get my tent set up first?"

He nodded. "Of course. We can talk there."

Joy.

I grabbed a tent and bedroll and began looking for a flat spot of ground that wasn't already taken. I ended up a little ways away from Sumia's setup, which was fine by me. Setting up the tent was easy work. It was different than tents at home, but relatively simple. I had just gotten settled down inside when Chrom ducked his head through the flap.

"You ready to talk now?" Jeez, this sounded like an interrogation.

"Yeah. Uh, have a seat?" There wasn't a whole lot of space, but we somehow managed to fit both of us in the tent comfortably.

Chrom started. "Are you okay?"

I blinked. That wasn't how I expected him to start. I fumbled to answer. "Um…mostly? I'm not going to start crying again if that's what you're asking."

"About that…what exactly happened?"

"I…well, you already know I'm not really from…around here, exactly." I started.

"That much is obvious. But what does that have to do with this?" Chrom asked.

"Everything. Where I'm from, medicine is a bit different, and we treat different things. Sometimes people have…mental disabilities. It doesn't mean they're crazy or dumb, just different.

"I have three of these disabilities—anxiety, ADHD, and depression—and I'm an extreme case of each one. I'm normally medicated for them to keep me functioning like a normal person. This kind of medicine doesn't exist in Ylisse, Ferox, Plegia, or even Valm. It doesn't exist in this world at all."

"Wait," Chrom interrupted. "You're saying you're from a different world?"

I smiled sheepishly. "Surprise? I didn't really know how to tell you. I didn't think you'd believe me. Even if you did, Frederick wouldn't. Now will you let me finish?"

Looking properly chastised for his interruption, he nodded.

I continued. "There are side effects to each medicine that I take for each disability. I've gotten used to those side effects, so even if they're detrimental they've become part of who I am. Have you noticed how I'm hungry and sleepy all the time? The most prevalent side effects were that I was always awake and never hungry. But now that I'm somehow here in this world, I haven't had any of my medicine. Not only are the side effects no longer there, but the help that I get from each medicine is gone too.

"This means that not only do my disabilities get to run rampant, but I'm in withdrawal too. I don't know if you know what that is, so I'm going to explain anyway. Getting off of medicine isn't easy; in some cases you have to be weaned off little by little, otherwise there are…adverse effects. That's the withdrawal. In my case, so far I've had headaches, hallucinations, nightmares, drowsiness, stomachaches, and hot chills. Basically it's like I'm getting sick. The only solution to this is either to get back on my medicine, or sleep, water, and time.

"So that's what you need to know about my medicine. Now, for my conditions. You don't need to know a lot about my ADHD. It makes it hard for me to focus on any one thing, forgetful, and easily overwhelmed. My anxiety causes me stress, makes me break down completely and utterly when I get overwhelmed. My depression makes me think negatively, both about myself and the world around me. It makes it hard to motivate myself and also seems to fuel my anxiety.

"Getting back to your question, what happened earlier was an anxiety attack. I got overwhelmed." I ducked my head, trying to sustain my detached frame of mind despite my embarrassment. "In an anxiety attack, you can only think of the negative until it completely overwhelms you with dread and panic. I was thinking that I wasn't going to be able to fight through my withdrawal symptoms. I couldn't do anything, and the embarrassment only made it worse. I'm so sorry I was so useless!" My detached, clinical façade broke and I put my face in my hands.

Chrom sat back, absorbing the new knowledge. "I can have Robin take you off the front lines. Is there anything else we can do to help?"

I shook my head. "I'm mostly waiting for the withdrawal to blow over. Without that hampering me, I'll have less to stress about." A pause. "You're not going to kick me out of the Shepherds, are you? I know I'm kind of a mess and a lot of trouble to, uh, keep in working condition, but I'm really determined to be useful!"

Chrom laughed. "I won't 'kick you out' of the Shepherds. Maybe some training would do you some good, though. You have a lot of potential, but with these, _disabilities,_ as you say, holding you back, you could use the practice. Maybe if fighting becomes more like second nature you won't get so much anxiety next battle. Sound good?"

"Yeah," I replied with a nod. I didn't say anything else, trying to figure out how to politely kick Chrom out of my tent so I could sleep. The silence stretched until it became awkward. I twiddled my thumbs. "So…you think you could leave so I can sleep?" When in doubt, go for being direct. I was too tired to beat around the bush.

"Right." He began getting up, trying and failing to avoid bumping into the sides of the tent. Klutz. "Do you mind if I tell Robin about this? As tactician, he should be informed."

"Go ahead. It'll save me the headache of explaining it again." And thank god—gods—for that.

Finally Chrom left, and I was able to lay down in peace. I was asleep almost immediately.

* * *

 

I knew almost as soon as I started dreaming that I was having a nightmare. Or was that just the paranoia talking? Nothing seemed amiss at first glance; I was back home, in my house. It was dark, which was probably why I was paranoid. Did I mention I was afraid of the dark without my medicine? It was extremely embarrassing, but that was one of the many reasons not to forget my meds.

Not only was the house dark, but it was empty. That was odd. I had a lot of cats, and they were friendly enough to always follow you around for attention. To be in a room without at least one cat was very unusual, and that was putting it mildly.

I scoured the house looking for them. It wasn't until I made it to the backyard that I realized exactly where I was; I definitely had to be dreaming, because it had been years since we moved out of this house. The telling feature that made me realize was the pool; none of the other houses I'd ever lived in had that. I had never gone back, not even to visit, because I didn't want to see how the new people living in it had changed it.

The dream—or nightmare, I hadn't decided which—took on a more desolate feeling. I missed this place, but it was lonely and unhappy. And creepily, eerily empty.

I went back inside. There was a shape sitting in the hallway to the living room. I passed the dining room and the hallway to the kitchen on the way to see what it was. Was that one of my dogs? It was too big to be my current one, but, this being a dream, it could always be a late one. The shape was lean, ruling out the fluffy mutt. That left my old Dalmatian.

"Apollo?" I spoke his name. Like the good boy he was, he turned around…only he wasn't my good boy. Red eyes glared at me and a puff of purple smoke escaped his—no, _its_ mouth. The risen dog, for lack of a better name, growled and got up, readying to attack.

Getting over my frozen stupor (I wasn't going to make THAT mistake again) I turned tail and fled. As I passed the dining room another red-eyed shape jumped out, then another appeared from the hall to the kitchen. Risen cats? I jumped over them and practically flew out the back door, making sure to slam it in the faces of my pursuers. Only the cats were faster than I thought, escaping the back door before it fully closed.

Acutely aware of the hellcats behind me, I dove into the pool. Cats don't like water, and since it was a dream I'd be able to stay under the water as long as I wanted and still be able to breathe. I closed my eyes and heaved a sigh of relief. I was safe.

Or…so I thought. I opened my eyes to the sight of two glowing orbs staring back at me. _Are you freaking kidding me? A risen shark?!_

I gave up on staying asleep and noped the fuck out. No thank you. Clearly there was no winning that situation. I woke myself up.

Only it wasn't any better in real life. It was still dark, and my paranoia was through the roof. It felt like there was an evil presence in my tent. I made to look around only to find I couldn't move.

Oh, please no. Not this. Anything but this. I struggled to move anything at all, but couldn't even lift a pinky. The only things I had control over were my eyes and my breathing.

A growl sounded from beside me. I moved my eyes towards the sound with dread—the dream wasn't over yet. This was real life, but that didn't mean I was done dreaming. Sleep paralysis was a bitch like that.

My eyes alighted on the source of the growling: the risen dog. Lips drawn back in a snarl, eyes a chilling crimson red, it was truly a terrifying image. _It's not real,_ I tried to tell myself, but it was no use. My body was reacting to the terror anyway. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I could only hyperventilate in panic.

The risen dog crept closer until it was right over me and I could hardly think through the panic, but then it stopped. The growling faded, and it disappeared in a swirl of shadow. It was over.

My paralysis was released, and as soon as I was able to move I grabbed my bedroll and left the tent. The only way to go back to sleep without continuing the nightmare was to change where I slept, preferably getting company. It was childish, but company always ensured the nightmares, especially the sleep paralysis, didn't come back.

But who would feel safe that wouldn't tell? It would be so embarrassing if the Shepherds found out how weak I was.

My first thought was Robin; we were in the same boat after all, both having been found in a field with no idea how we got there. I knew he probably wouldn't mind, considering he shared his coat with me in Ferox, and I knew I could trust him. The only downside was Lissa finding out and teasing me relentlessly, and _oh,_ the rumors it would start.

That brought me to my second option, Lissa. She was my closest female friend so far, and, being female, invading her tent wouldn't cause any rumors. But at the same time she was a princess and probably wouldn't appreciate her space being invaded. I also didn't know if she'd make a big deal about it or mention it at a bad time. So she was out.

Which left me with…who? Those were the only two that had made it past the acquaintance stage to being friends. I'd like to think Sully was my friend as well, but she was more like a role model to me, and I especially didn't want her to know I needed someone else just to keep nightmares away. Miriel would be more likely to take notes on me than offer any kind of emotional support. Maribelle would just kick me out and get mad at me for waking her since I had no status. Sumia I didn't know as well, but she seemed nice enough. Caring. I thought I could trust her not to tell anyone. She was nice enough to probably not mind a second person in her tent.

Alright, Sumia it was. I was closest to her tent anyway.

I pushed aside her tent flap. "Sumia?" I asked quietly.

She shifted. "Yeah?" Came the sleepy reply.

"You think I could sleep in here?"

She got up on her elbows to look at me. "Yeah, why?"

"Nightmares?" It came out as more of a question than I wanted it to. "I'm sorry, it's embarrassing, but having someone close by makes them stop."

"Okay. Good night." She laid back down and was out like a light. Guess she didn't feel like talking.

I laid my bedroll out in the tent and got in. It wasn't long before sleep overtook me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was trying to avoid directly telling about all my mental disorders and the effects of the medicine I take for them, because it's a lengthy explanation and it makes me feel like a special snowflake (and not in the good way), but Chrom needed to know, and I had managed to confuse a couple people back on fanfiction who didn't know anything on the subjects. By explaining them in-story I kill two birds with one stone! (Is there a less morbid phrase for that? I like birds.) 
> 
> Don't ask how Merra managed to stay on Frederick's horse while unconscious, because I have no idea. Plot glue?
> 
> As for the nightmare sequence, that's a pretty good representation of some of my less battle-oriented dreams. I mean, it combines a lot of my common dream tropes: zombies, deceased pets (though it's normally a good thing to see them because it means I get to be with them again), sharks, my old house, and running from something. Despite what it sounds like, I am not afraid of sharks in real life. But I just can't shake the fear of them in dreams! It makes no sense. I've even gone scuba diving with a feeding frenzy before! Bah.


	13. A Day of Reprieve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone finally gets a break, and Merra's good at embarrassing herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, few readers I've got! Sorry the next update took so long, especially since we're not even caught up to where the story is on Fanfiction. I have no excuse. Life has been crazy, sure, but it always is. It looks like I didn't say anything of note in the original author's note, so let's get on with the chapter, shall we?

To my pleasant surprise, I woke up the next morning with no memory of any more dreams—or, more likely, nightmares.

I stretched with a groan. I was still sore from all the physical activity I'd done since waking up in Ylisse. Trying to keep up with all these fit warriors was a real kick in the butt.

On the bright side, a good night's sleep did me a lot of good. The withdrawal symptoms were all but gone. I basked in the glory of feeling healthy.

Something smelled really, really good. Breakfast? I emerged from Sumia's tent to see that yes, breakfast had been served. A good two-thirds of the shepherds were up and about, most of them eating. It looked like Vaike, Stahl, Ricken and Kellam had all slept in like me, although I couldn't say for sure whether or not Kellam was there since I was no good at perceiving him.

Breakfast was simple, just some rolls and dried meat, food meant for traveling. How it had smelled so good was beyond me. Maybe I was just that hungry?

After that camp was packed and we continued making our way back to Ylisstol.

* * *

 

Nothing worth mentioning happened on the march back. I kept to myself again, lost in thought, making the march long and boring. It was a relief when we finally reached the capitol.

I caught up to Chrom. "Hey." I got his attention.

"Is something the matter?" He asked.

"No, actually. Unless something changes, we have until tonight before the next battle. Just thought I'd let you know, it takes place in and around the castle." It was more than I planned on telling him, but I doubted it would matter much. In the whole time I'd been in this world, I'd only really managed to change one thing, and it was temporary. I think. Had Vaike ever actually gotten another axe?

"He did, actually. He got one before we got to Ferox." Chrom answered. "What do you mean by things changing?"

Crap, had I said that out loud? "Well, while there were multiple possibilities in the stories my friend told me, some things always stayed the same. Like Miriel always found Vaike's axe when he dropped it before that one risen battle. But that didn't happen now that I'm here. I was never in her stories, and my presence changed that."

"That's a lot to carry on your shoulders." Chrom stated. "Surely the fault isn't yours? You can't blame yourself for everything that goes wrong."

"Why not?" I asked. "It sounds a little conceited to say, but I'm the only factor that's different here. I'm not the only one who knows the future, or at least some version of it, but I daresay I know more than sh—he does. So when something goes differently and I'm the only different factor, that makes it my fault, right?"

"Are you talking about Marth?"

"Um…" I wasn't sure how much to reveal. It wasn't my place to tell Chrom about 'Marth.' It was the whole reason I was going along with the charade in the first place. "It's not my place to say. I'm sorry."

He hummed. "Well, I'm always around if you change your mind." He assumed the conversation was over and turned his attention back to the path in front of him.

"Um," I got his attention again. "Since we know that the battle probably won't happen until tonight, does that mean everyone has free time? Or do you have something the Shepherds need to do instead?"

"I'll be busy planning with Frederick and Robin what to do about this war—and this upcoming battle in the castle if what you say is true."

"It is."

"And I don't doubt you." He assured. "The rest of the Shepherds have the day, but I suggest you use it to train. Why, did you want to do anything in particular?"

"I want to buy another sword so I can give this one back to Robin. It doesn't feel right to keep one of his only belongings he woke up with from him."

"In that case, remind me when we get back to the castle and I'll give everyone this week's pay. Pay goes up during wartime, so you should have enough to buy a decent sword."

"Okay, thanks! I'll try not to forget." I beamed to show my enthusiasm to be helpful.

Chrom didn't look very reassured.

* * *

 

Lo and behold, the rest of the walk to the castle was short enough for me to remember, since we had already been in the capitol when we were talking. I took my new sack of coins and dumped them in the small sack I had been given previously when I bought my sewing supplies. The coins jingled pleasantly. I never knew I would be so happy to have money.

I spotted Lissa talking with Stahl. "Hey Lissa, do you want to go to town with me to buy a sword? I don't know my way around yet so I was hoping someone would come with me."

"Sounds fun!" Lissa decided. "Can Stahl come too?" Stahl looked like a deer caught in the headlights at the question, but I actually needed him too.

"Sure! I need someone who knows about swords so I don't buy a piece of garbage or get ripped off. Do you mind, Stahl?"

"N-not at all!" He stuttered. Huh, I didn't take him for a stutter-y kind of guy. He was obviously uncomfortable, or at least surprised, with the request, but too nice to say no.

"Merra," Sully's voice came from behind and I jumped. "Chrom told me you need some extra training. After you get back from this outing, meet me in the training room at the barracks, okay?"

I nodded vigorously, torn between taking a long time at the blacksmith's to avoid what would likely be an exhausting beating, or trying to go quickly so as not to disappoint Sully or keep her waiting. I would probably go with the latter in all honesty. The only time I worked hard was when I didn't want to disappoint someone, and Sully was definitely a person I didn't want to let down.

"Alright. I'll see you later." Sully left. I stared after her, getting lost in my thoughts again.

"So, are we going right now?" Lissa broke me out of my reverie.

"Yep! Let's go."

* * *

 

The blacksmith was only a few streets away from the castle, and was apparently the official blacksmith of the kingdom.

I felt like I was at a ren fair, making me feel even more out of place with my modern clothing. Normally I dressed up for ren fairs. People stared as we passed. I shrunk into my jacket, hands in my pockets, only to accidentally stick my hand through the hole in my jacket. Right, I needed to fix that. Maybe after I trained with Sully?

"Can I help you?" I recognized the blacksmith from the game.

"Yes, I'm looking for a sword. But can I have a few minutes to browse first?"

"Of course." He went back to forging.

"So what did you have questions about?" Stahl asked me. "You're not going to find a bad sword here; this is the best blacksmith in the kingdom."

"Everything. I always thought swords were cool, but never had reason to learn how to use them or their different properties. I'm pretty sure I prefer short swords though; they're easier to maneuver." It would put me at a disadvantage in nearly every fight in terms of range, but it would be easier and faster to handle, which was exactly what I relied on when I fought.

"I can't help you with that then; short-ranged weapons are not very useful when fighting from a horse, so I don't know much about them."

Ah, darn. Maybe I should have brought Lon'qu. Although, he probably wouldn't talk enough to teach me anything I needed to know.

Well, life sucks and then you die, I guess.

I picked up the nearest sword, a long, thin thing that looked like it would break if it was ever used to block. A rapier, I think. It was well balanced, and lighter than I expected, but I was hoping for something that had a little more versatility. Rapiers were used primarily for stabbing, which was what I was good at, but I was trying to get better at slashing too, which probably wouldn't work very well with this sword. It still wasn't a bad choice, being one-handed. I remembered from a demonstration at Scarborough Fair that they were often paired with a dagger for a dual wielded approach. The biggest downside, really, was that rapiers were meant for nobility, so this one was probably absurdly expensive. I hastily set it down at the thought.

Looking up, I noticed I had already lost Lissa. She had gone deeper into the building to look at another selection. Stahl was standing by the doorway, politely waiting for me to finish my shopping.

I picked up what I recognized to be an armorslayer from the game. Christ, what a cumbersome thing. I wondered if Olivia would be able to wield it as effectively in this world as she had in my game. I certainly wouldn't! I put the weapon down as quietly as I could with its size.

I passed the zweihanders and greatswords. They were powerful, but slow. Not for me.

Finally I found the shorter blades, not quite small enough to be daggers but certainly smaller than most swords. I picked one up experimentally, giving it a couple swings for good measure. I could tell I was on the right track; already it felt more natural than the sword I'd been borrowing from Robin. But still, it could be better…I set the sword down and picked up a different one. Better, but could still improve.

"Ah, so you've taken a liking to the short swords, have you?" The blacksmith had stopped hammering, apparently, and had taken notice of my hovering around the display.

"Yeah, they feel the best."

"You'll like this then; I just finished it today." He walked over to a water basin and pulled out a sword I hadn't seen—long for a short sword, but still shorter than a regular one. The hilt was simple, with a small cross-guard to protect the fingers. He held it out to me and I took it, discovering the weight to be perfect. Heavy enough to gain momentum, but light enough to maintain dexterity.

"It's perfect," I breathed. "How much?"

I couldn't believe it when he told me the price. I could afford it! Chrom had said that the pay would be enough for a decent sword, yes, but I hadn't dared to believe a single week's pay could buy me the perfect one! I happily handed over my sack of gold coins, receiving the sword's scabbard in exchange.

We left the blacksmith's shop in high spirits, or at least I did. I now had two swords on my belt: mine and Robin's. I felt lopsided, as putting one sword on each hip hadn't occurred to me until after we began walking back. I didn't feel like stopping to fix it.

"Are you going to give it a name?" Lissa asked. "They say that giving a sword a name gives it more staying power."

Whoa whoa whoa. Naming a sword gives it better durability? Did I hear that right? That wasn't a factor in the game…maybe I needed to stop comparing this world to the game. Maybe the events were the same, but clearly some things worked differently. That, or Lissa was just making things up.

I thought about what I could possibly name a sword. I could go with something fun, like honedge. No one would get the joke but me, but that was part of the fun.

A rigid geometric design on the pommel caught my attention. Hey, that kind of looked like computer circuits…huh.

Oh my gods, I could call it Hack. Hack, as in hacking and slashing because it's a sword, but also as in hacking a computer. I mean, I was kind of a hack, wasn't I? I was stuck in a game for crying out loud!

"I've got it!" I said suddenly, almost a full minute after Lissa asked her question. "I'll call it Hack!"

"Isn't that a little…simple for a sword?" Stahl couldn't help but ask.

"Maybe, but it has to do with something from my world."

"Your world?" Lissa asked before I could continue.

Oh, right, I'd only told Chrom about that. Woops. "Yeah, I guess I'm from a different world. Sorry I didn't tell you?"

"That's so cool!" Lissa gushed. "What's it like?" Stahl looked interested too. Gossips.

It couldn't hurt to elaborate, and I wanted to explain the reason for calling my sword Hack anyway. "First of all, we have different technology. We don't have magic, but we have advanced machines instead. Particularly machines that hold information. Imagine a library, but it's housed inside a single machine the size of a book. Stealing or altering a book from that library is called hacking.

"Hacking is supposed to be bad, but it's also kind of cool. The example is a little oversimplified, but you can do a lot of things with it. I wanted to learn how before I ended up here.

"So calling my sword Hack was a pun. Get it?"

"Uuuum…" Lissa looked unsure. I guess they do say that a joke isn't funny if you have to explain it.

"Well _I_ thought it was funny." I mumbled. Hmph.

* * *

 

Training with Sully was hell, as I'd entirely expected. And we hadn't even started swordplay yet!

She'd been running me through her own version of Frederick's fitness hour for what felt like AGES, but had in fact been only forty minutes so far. It was so much harder than when I used to do Yoga, let me tell you. I was dripping with sweat, my hair just wet with it. I had discarded my hat and jacket, and I was about ready to say to hell with my shirt and just leave on my sports bra.

At Sully's command, I started a set of push-ups. Gods I hated push-ups. I sucked at them too, as Sully had to correct my form multiple times. I didn't even manage ten before I dropped on the ground.

I thought I heard Sully mumble something about having her work cut out for her, but I wasn't sure. I got back up on my hands and toes to try again, this time only getting to four before my shaking arms gave out.

I decided to lay down on the ground for a while.

"Come on, this isn't nap time. You ready to spar now?"

I sighed. This was going to hurt.

* * *

 

I was right; it _had_ hurt. I got knocked down more times than I could count. I felt like I was doing better though, and Sully had taught me a couple new techniques. I was learning how to parry, which would be useful.

But that was over with now, thank goodness. I dragged myself to the girl's room to take a much-needed nap. I was about to lay down when I remembered the hole in my jacket. I heaved a sigh, and, gathering my bag and sewing supplies, made my way back out to the front room of the barracks. There was a table there that had good enough lighting from a window to sew by.

I was almost finished repairing my jacket when Robin walked by. This was my chance to give him his sword back!

"Hey, Robin!" I said it a little louder than I meant to, but it got his attention so I supposed it didn't matter.

He changed direction and walked over to me. "Hey Merra. Do you need something?"

I ignored the burst of excitement from the fact that _he said my name_ (why was that affecting me now of all times?) and got on with what I was trying to say. "It's dangerous to go alone! Take this." I held out his sword to him.

…Why did I say that?

Robin looked confused. "I'm not going anywhere alone?" He sounded confused too.

"Sorry, ignore me. It's a quote from a popular story in my world that's said when giving the hero his sword for the first time." I hoped I would stop saying weird things soon. This was so embarrassing!

Robin didn't even question the part about me being from a different world. "Are you sure you don't still need it? I do have my tome to defend myself with."

I grinned. "I'm sure! I got another sword today, see?" I set Robin's sword down on the table so I could free up my hands to take out Hack.

He examined the blade. "A short sword, huh? Fitting, given your fighting style."

So he had been watching me fight? I tried not to jump to conclusions. He was the tactician, of course he knew everyone's fighting styles.

"Yup, so you can have yours back." I put Hack away and picked Robin's sword back up to hold out to him. "Thanks for letting me use it for so long!"

"Of course. 'It's dangerous to go alone,' right?" He grinned lopsidedly like he'd done something really clever, which, to be fair, he had.

I grinned back, internally fangirling at how attractive he was with that expression. "Exactly."

"Well if that's the case," he accepted his sword, "I'll be taking this back. Thank you."

As he walked away I noticed a large tear in his coat. "Robin, wait!"

He stopped and turned around. "What is it?"

"There's a tear in your coat. Do you want me to fix it for you?"

He looked down to see the damage. "Oh, sure. Thank you." He took off his coat. I marveled at how fit he was without the bulky thing hiding him. Goodness gracious, he was attractive. Man I had it bad for this boy. Or man, I guess. I'm pretty sure we were both adults here. I didn't actually know Robin's age, which was unfortunate because neither did he. I'm pretty sure Chrom was nineteen at this point, right?

"Merra?" Robin broke me out of my thoughts. Oh, right, he was holding his coat out to me. I hoped I hadn't been staring.

"Sorry, got lost in thought. Let me take care of this for you." I took the coat and got to work.

"Should I wait, or is this going to take a while?" He didn't know anything about sewing or how long it took, so that was an understandable question.

"You can wait here if you want, but if you have something to do I don't want to hold you up. This tear is pretty big so it might take a little longer. Ten to twenty minutes maybe? I'm not very good at guessing how long things take." It was one of the reasons I always wore a watch. People with ADD and ADHD were notorious for losing track of time.

"I'll be in the library then. Thank you for fixing my coat!" He left. I couldn't get over how attractive he was without the coat. It was tempting to hide it to see him without it more often, but I wasn't that mean. Or that crazy obsessed. At least, I didn't think I was.

Deciding not to think about it, I took stock of the work cut out for me. The tear was rough, meaning it wouldn't sew back together neatly. It needed a patch. Crap. All I had was green fabric! It wouldn't match at all! I didn't mind having green patches all over my clothes, but putting a green patch on Robin's dark purple coat? It didn't seem right.

I'd go out and buy some purple fabric, but I was out of money, and there was no way I was asking for an advance. That and I was exhausted from Sully's training and didn't want to walk all the way to the market.

Well…maybe he wouldn't mind. And if he did, I could always take out the stitching with a precise enough blade. Maybe someone had a knife, or I could use Lon'qu's killing edge. That was, of course, assuming Robin didn't like it. Maybe he would and it would be okay.

Using Hack to slice off a strip of my green cloth long enough to cover the tear, I got to work. I was halfway through stitching on the patch when Vaike entered the room.

"Ah! So you're a seamstress too? Teach has some pants that need fixing!" And right then and there he took off his pants. I shielded my eyes just in case.

"Vaike what the heck!" I cried, face still covered and eyes closed.

"Don't worry, Teach is still decent! He wouldn't expose himself in front of a lady."

Tentatively I opened my eyes. Okay, phew, he was still in underwear. Thank Naga.

"Fine, I'll stitch them up for you. But this isn't going to become a regular thing, deal?" I was going to regret this, I just knew it.

"Deal!" He left, hopefully to go put on another pair of pants. It was bad enough he never wore a shirt.

By the time I escaped to the girls' room for a much needed nap, I had patched my jacket, Robin's coat, Vaike's pants, Ricken's hat and Maribelle's sleeve. Now that word was out that I could sew, I had a feeling this was going to be common. Great.


	14. Attack on the Castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who says swords aren't ranged weapons?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A highlight from my original A/N: So Funny story, but my brother hit the ceiling with a sword the other day. Now there's two sword dents in the ceiling!

By the time I woke up the sun had already set. Gosh my sleep schedule was suffering. How many hours had I slept? I didn't want to know.

I rolled out of bed with a groan; this was becoming a bad habit. I was stiff and sore from training with Sully, as I was quickly realizing was going to become normal.

Landing on all fours beside the bed, something fell out of my arms and onto the floor. Oh, you've got to be kidding. I slept with Robin's coat? How creepy can you get? You'd think I'd have the forethought to at least put it at the foot of the bed (instead of the floor, because that seemed kind of rude) where it wouldn't look so…obsessive, for lack of a better word, but nooOOOo, I just HAD to collapse into bed while still holding it. Thank Naga no one saw me. At least, not that I knew of. I pushed the worrying thought aside; there was nothing I could do about it now.

I heard footsteps approaching and scrambled to find a less awkward position, ending up sitting crisscross applesauce beside the garment. Whatever. It was better than being on all-fours above it, which let's be honest, there was no way I'd be able to explain in any believable, not-weird way.

Gods, why was my life like this.

Sumia appeared in the doorway. Trying to stay calm, I rubbed my eyes as if I hadn't just had an adrenaline spike over her approach and was innocently getting out of bed. I'm not sure she was convinced, if her questioning glance between me and the coat was any indication. Gosh, I was probably so red right now. I bet that's what tipped her off.

"Uh, why…? Oh, never mind that. Chrom sent me to get you so we can mobilize at the castle. Are you ready? It sounds like we're expecting a fight."

"Yeah, let me just grab—" I was going to say 'let me just grab Hack,' but considering the weight already on my hip I guess I didn't need to. Man, I must have been tired if I fell asleep with a sword on my hip. "Never mind, I'm ready."

Sumia left. Scooping up Robin's coat, I followed close behind. I hoped we weren't late for the battle.

* * *

 

We were late, of course.

We arrived to the sound of clashing weapons and combat magic. We dodged around the assassins outside, making our way to the center of the castle where I knew the others to be. I had a mission; making sure Chrom recruited Gaius without killing him first. Sumia wanted to stay and deal with the enemies outside, but I reminded her that not only was she new to fighting (even if she was a natural, grumble grumble) but it was also unwise to fight alone. If she got in trouble out here there would be no one around to save her, and even if I stayed with her we would be easily outnumbered.

Once inside the castle, I finally saw the red-haired thief about to attack Chrom. Despite being late to the battle, I had still made it in time! "GAIUS, WAIT! HE HAS CANDY!"

Gaius hesitated, which cost him dearly. Chrom, only seeing that he was being attacked, retaliated with a devastating diagonal slash across the thief's chest. He went down. Son of a bitch, Chrom! That's exactly what I was trying to avoid!

Chrom looked at me in shock and confusion. Oh, had I said that out loud? Oh well.

"I need a healer!" I called out as I rushed to the scene. Lissa or Maribelle would do, I didn't really care at this point.

"On my way!" I heard Lissa call back from a ways away. Good.

I tried to staunch the bleeding in the meantime, doing my best to put pressure on the wound like you were supposed to. The only problem was that it was too long, and I couldn't possibly block all of it at once.

Gaius winced at my efforts. "Naga, woman, you think you could ease up a bit?" He gasped. "I don't even know you!"

"I'm trying to save your life," I bit back. "Chrom, either help me or give him your candy." I commanded the bewildered prince.

"But—"

"The man is about to switch sides!" ("I am?") "Just do something!"

"I'm here!" Lissa jumped off Stahl's horse and ran over to us. Seeing that I was unhurt, she looked at me, confused. "Who needs healing?"

Good lord, these people were dense. "Him, clearly!" I hadn't thought there would need to be clarification, seeing as I was obviously trying to save a gravely wounded soul, but apparently they needed it spelled out. It was a wonder they ever recruited anyone with the way this was going.

"But…he's our enemy?"

"Not for long. For the love of all things, just heal him!" I threw my hands up, unknowingly splattering blood every which way.

"Okay…" Lissa held up her staff and the magic started doing its work. The wound closed up, leaving only excess blood and torn clothing in its wake.

"Chrom, candy." I held out my bloody hand for him to drop it in. Um, maybe that wasn't such a great idea. I regretfully wiped my hand on my pants (I needed to find a way to wash my clothes anyway) before holding the somewhat cleaner hand back out.

Taken aback by this new, commanding Merra, Chrom complied. I tossed the candy at Gaius. "Do you accept candy and pay in return for fighting for us?"

Gaius looked at the candy reverently. "Well, I can't say no to that. I wasn't up for killing the exalt anyway."

I clapped my hands together. "Good! Now can we please get back to the fight?" Long conversations in the middle of a battle might be normal for Fire Emblem, but there was no need to tempt fate.

"Right!" Came the unanimous response. We all got off the ground and spread out, finding new enemies to take on. I looked for Robin so I could let him know I was here, receive his orders and return his coat.

A burst of fire came my way and I barely managed to dodge, the magic so close I could feel the heat as it passed by. Where was that dang tactician? I feared that something stupid would happen to his coat if I didn't return it fast enough, since I still wasn't the best fighter yet. Maybe I wouldn't dodge something fast enough and the coat would take the brunt of the damage, or it would weigh me down or I'd trip over it. Bringing it was a mistake; I should have just waited to return it until after the battle. But it was too late to go back now, so I'd just have to find Robin as soon as possible. The sooner he could take this off my hands the better.

I finally found him pushing the enemy forces back towards the outside of the castle, sword in one hand and tome in the other. I couldn't help but stare a little at his form. He was fit, which I logically knew had to be true but could never actually see, as it was normally hidden under his bulky coat, and he moved with the sort of purposeful grace that only came with practice and muscle memory. Sully, Lon'qu, and Sumia fought alongside him, leaving him to be the only ranged fighter. That didn't seem like a very good plan; what was Robin thinking?

I stopped a little ways behind the group, unsure of how to proceed. I felt that whatever I did, be it joining the skirmish or getting the tactician's attention, I would be getting in the way. These weren't some unskilled bandits we were fighting; they were assassins, and their competence was evidenced by the dead guards scattered throughout the castle.

Before I could come to a decision Robin noticed me behind him. "Cover me," he told the others, and he dropped back from the fight. The other three spread out a bit more to make up for the hole in their formation where he had been.

I started talking before he had a chance to open his mouth. "I just-just wanted to let you know that I'm here and give you this." I held out his coat, berating myself for stuttering. Now wasn't the time for that.

"Didn't we take you off the front lines?" Robin asked, accepting his coat and hurriedly throwing it on as he spoke.

"Yeah," I acknowledged, "but I'm here so I might as well stay. I'll get any stragglers that make it past you. Deal?"

"Deal." He agreed. I realized that instead of receiving orders as I had expected that I basically made up my own. Woops. Well, at least you could say I wasn't completely on the front lines? Just, you know, directly behind them.

"Are you done chatting?" Came from Sully. "Because some damn help would be nice!"

"Sorry!"

"On it." Robin shot a bolt of lightning at one of the assassins attacking Sully, killing him. I grimaced, but refused to be more affected than that. This was war; death was necessary and inevitable.

An assassin darted under Sumia's pegasus when a flap of its wings sent it just a bit too high, getting past the line of Shepherds and heading for the center of the castle. Not on my watch, buddy.

She tried to run past me, ignoring me completely, but I stuck out my foot, catching her back foot and sending her sprawling. I jumped on top of her before she could regain her senses, preventing her from doing, well, anything really.

I tried to figure out what to do next. I mean, at this point I had taken her down; was I really supposed to just kill her? I know she'd kill me without a second thought, but she wasn't a threat right now. As long as I was on top of her she was harmless. Of course, that required me to basically be on babysitting duty for the rest of the battle, so we would both be useless.

While I was thinking she suddenly moved, throwing me off and making a break for the deeper parts of the castle. Shit! I moved without thought, grabbing onto her leg with both hands (I hadn't actually drawn Hack yet) before she could get far and sending her down again. She kicked at me with her free foot but I didn't let my grip loosen. It's been said that I have the grip of an octopus; I wasn't about to let her go. But I didn't know what else to do either. We were both on the ground, both out of reach of each other's weapons.

I saw another enemy sneaking past the line of Shepherds and started to panic. I couldn't let anyone get past! I had to show that I was competent! I scrambled to get my feet under me and stood, bringing the assassin I was holding onto up with me. One of her kicks caught me in the face and I dropped her. She tucked into a forward somersault and used the momentum to spring back to her feet, sprinting away. I made a split-second decision a drew Hack, throwing it with all my strength. Who said swords weren't ranged weapons?

Without checking to see if my normally shoddy aim was true, I jump-tackled the assassin who had just made it past the others. This time I didn't hesitate. I got my arm around his neck and squeezed, putting pressure on the back of his neck in an amateur sleeper hold. I knew this was life-threatening if done right, but didn't think I was capable of actually doing the hold correctly. All I needed was my opponent out of the picture long enough to retrieve my sword.

In a surprisingly short amount of time the assassin went slack, so I held on several seconds longer to make sure he wasn't pretending. Deciding that was enough, I let go and got up. The assassin didn't move. So…I guess I did it right? I decided not to think about it too much.

Not wanting to waste any time I turned to where I had thrown Hack.

Oh.

Well, guess I had gotten my first kill out of the way.

* * *

 

After that the fight was a blur. I wasn't thinking much, and I wasn't holding back anymore either. Why stop at one kill? These people were trying to kill Emmeryn; leaving one alive could mean game over.

When I came back to myself and the realm of rational thought, I noticed I was covered in cuts and burns, and was no longer inside the castle. I looked behind me and saw bodies and blood and my brain froze for a second. I wasn't that good at fighting yet; how did that happen? These were assassins! How was I still alive?!

I looked back ahead and saw Robin and the others moving as one unit to take down the enemies around the outside of the castle, leaving only bodies in their wake. Ah, that made more sense. The majority of the bodies were probably their doing, while I got the stragglers like I said I would. Okay, I could deal with that.

An assassin noticed me and halted his attack on the others, making his way towards me. I widened my stance, checking my peripherals to make sure I wasn't going to get ambushed from the side while I focused on the enemy in front. I could do this. Right? I had made it this far. Not without a few painful reminders of my mistakes and missteps, but I was still alive, right? I could do this.

I went for a stab as soon as he was within striking distance, only to have to dodge a stab in turn. Tch. I let go of my thoughts, realizing that things worked out better when I didn't think about them too much. This wasn't a mock battle with my friends. We weren't sizing each other up and waiting for the other to make a move. This was real, and striking fast and first could be the difference between life and death.

The assassin was quick, quicker than anyone else I could remember fighting. I wished I could be that fast with my strikes, but luckily I was equally speedy with my dodging. But so was he, and I was tiring. I hadn't fought anyone faster than me before; how exactly does one overcome this disadvantage?

But there was no time for formulating a plan, only action and reaction. Dodge, strike, miss, dodge, stab, jump, sidestep, block—only blocking was a mistake. I felt the power of the strike travel through my sword, hand, wrist, and up my arm. Good gods, why did I do that?! Hadn't I learned from when I tried to block strikes from my friends before I got stuck here?! With a cry I dropped my sword, and knew I was done for.

I cringed, waiting for something to happen; whether it be the pain of an unimpeded strike or for someone to jump in and save me like a stereotypical knight saving a damsel.

But nothing happened. I opened my eyes and lowered my arms from where they had been crossed in front of my face. The assassin was looking at me, and I noticed that he looked young. And scared. Like he wasn't sure what to do next. Like myself before I had killed that assassin, not sure if he wanted to go through with the next logical step.

Whoa. An assassin who wasn't okay with killing? That's ironic.

Standing around like this wasn't productive. Something had to happen. Tentatively, I spoke. "I won't try to kill you, if you won't try to kill me?"

He nodded mutely, eyes wide.

Now what?

I feared that if I tried to retrieve Hack the assassin would kill me as a knee-jerk reaction. So if I couldn't move, maybe talking would get me somewhere. But as soon as I opened my mouth to speak, he turned tail and fled for the woods.

That was…strange.

Picking up Hack, I did my best to put the surreal experience behind me. There was still a fight going on after all. I couldn't let my thoughts distract me.

"Well, well…" I heard from the direction of the others. "Oh, I know you…submit to me, and perhaps I may honor you with the truth!"

Oh, great. Sounds like Robin challenged Validar. Gods I hated that man. The last thing we needed was him playing mind games with our tactician.

I made my way over to the scuffle. Lon'qu tried attacking, only to find his sword deflected by dark magic. The same went for Sully and Sumia. Robin stood back from the fight, hesitating. That wouldn't do at all.

Before I could make it there Validar retaliated, sending out a wave of dark magic that sent all three of his attackers reeling. That…that didn't happen in the game. That _couldn't_ happen in the game. He should have only been able to attack one Shepherd at a time.

Validar started charging another attack and I shook myself out of my stupor. Comparing things to the game wasn't going to get me far anymore. I hadn't been that good at it anyway.

At the sight of his friends going down Robin got over his hesitation, immediately throwing out a thunder spell. Validar released his attack as well, knocking Robin off his feet.

Oh heck, was I really the last one left?

Robin started to get up and I breathed a sigh of relief. Still though, he was outmatched. His thunder tome wasn't going to do much damage. I had to do something.

I skirted around Validar's peripheral vision in the hopes that he would be too occupied fighting Robin to notice me. So far it was working. I was just about to get in close when he started charging another attack. I knew I couldn't let him land it. It looked far more powerful than the last one. I picked up the pace, trying to get in close for a sneak attack. I could care less about an honorable battle if it was against Validar.

Robin noticed me and his eyes widened. Why was he so shocked? I could be useful occasionally! Okay, I'll admit, I've been pretty useless lately, but I've slept since then. Twice. I could do this.

Validar finished charging his attack before I could get close enough to stop him. No! In an act of desperation I flung my sword, hoping my luck was as good as it was with that first assassin.

What? It worked last time!

He was just throwing his arm forward to release his attack when Hack hit its mark. The dark magic faded. Validar coughed, falling to his knees. I finally caught up to him and stopped, trying to catch my breath. Do I…do I take Hack out of his back? That seemed a little cruel, not to mention rude, but I did need to get my sword back somehow.

"Well done," Robin complimented.

I gave a tired half-smile. "Thanks."

Of the three Shepherds on the ground, Sully got up first. "Damn that hurt," she commented. She patted her horse to settle it, then walked over to where Validar lay. Putting her foot on the man's back she grabbed Hack and pulled. "This is yours, right?" She handed the blade to me.

"Yeah, thanks…" I took the bloody blade. I tried to flick the blood off like you read in books, but only managed to get rid of a few drops. Sigh. I wiped the blade off in the grass before sheathing it.

Lon'qu recovered next, flicking his killing edge like I did, only he was able to do it successfully. Hmph.

Sumia got up last. "Shouldn't we go back inside and check on Emmeryn?"

She made a good point. With that, we trudged back to the castle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks a new look at fighting for Merra—she's killed now, so she's not holding back anymore. Not that she was good enough to need to hold back much in the first place.
> 
> I wasn't too sure about this chapter when I first posted it, mostly because Merra is acting so different than normal. I don't think it's necessarily out of character though; she's learned a little since she first started out, she just got some decent sleep, and Emmeryn's life is on the line. The biggest factor is the sleep though. A well-rested Merra is a slightly more functional Merra. Still though, it's a lot different than the mess we've been seeing, isn't it?


	15. First Divergence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merra meddles with military movements.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter for the day! unless I'm feeling generous and post another three, but I have stuff to do so that's unlikely. 
> 
> Oh, anyone know how to add a cover? I have a couple drawn and I want to know how to add them in. They're not that good, but still. That'll help me post other things I've drawn for the story! That way no one has to muddle through my messy tumblr.

Somehow, we made it back to Emmeryn at the same time Chrom did. "Thank gods you're safe!" He started the post-battle dialog.

"It is you I have to thank, Chrom," Emmeryn replied. Ah, I see how it is. No thanks to all the others who fought. Who am I kidding, though; only Gangrel can truly be mad at the exalt, for how can one feel anger through her calming aura?

"I beg for your forgiveness, milord!" Phila found us, out of breath. "I failed in my duty—they should never have made it to the castle in the first place."

"Peace, Phila." I was curious about what Chrom was going to say next, as it was normally something like 'You couldn't have known this was going to happen,' but with my warning, she kind of did. "Obviously the assassins were determined; even with Merra's warning they still got through the extra guards."

As she was in charge of many of the guards, this understandably did little to comfort Phila.

The conversation lapsed into silence. I got the feeling that something was missing, but couldn't put my finger on it. I had changed something else, hadn't I? Something else in this conversation? Whatever it was, I could only hope it wasn't important.

Panne approached, prompting Emmeryn to continue the post-battle dialog like nothing had happened. "Brave taguel, there are not words enough to express my gratitude."

Panne tilted her head. "So you know our true name?"

"Sorry, what's a taguel?" Robin asked. Oh, right, I had only told him we would recruit one; I'd never actually told him what the word meant.

I stayed quiet and allowed the conversation to play out as it was supposed to. Panne needed this—she needed Emmeryn so she could learn to trust humans again. The kind-hearted exalt was perhaps the only person who could help her.

Something pulsed in my head, making me flinch. What was that? It felt…dark. And overwhelmingly powerful, but somehow muffled, like listening to someone else's loud music through a wall. I glanced around at the others to see if it had happened to anyone else. Robin was the only one who reacted, confusion written all over his face.

We locked eyes, realizing we were the only ones affected. Why would we be the only ones? The only thing we really had in common were waking up in a field with no idea how we got there. For Robin, that was because Grima had tried to take over his body upon coming to this time and failed. For me? I still didn't know. But considering the dark pulse we had both felt, that meant my arrival in that field had to be connected to Robin's in a way deeper than we knew. By that line of thought, did that mean Grima had something to do with my coming to this world?

Even if that was true, that begged the question: what caused the pulse that only we two could feel? What could Grima be doing now?

I went over the events of the game in my head. I had just killed Validar…(and my, what an odd sentence to think. I was still wrapping my head around the fact that I had killed a few people today.) which meant Grima would be bringing him back to life anytime now. That was the only thing I could think of that would explain it. Still, this hadn't happened in the game, and it didn't sit right with me.

Robin opened his mouth to speak, probably to ask what had happened, but I shook my head. _'I'll tell you later,'_ I mouthed. The conversation between Panne and Emmeryn was too important to interrupt with unrelated questions, regardless of this new, unforeseen factor. Robin nodded, and we tuned back in to the rest of the world around us.

Or, he did, anyway. I instead focused on slowing my thudding heart. That eye contact had my face going red after the fact, and I cursed my dumb infatuation. I'd never had it this bad before. Heck, I was normally the one being chased, not the other way around! I had no idea what I was doing or how to proceed, or even if I wanted to. I had a boyfriend back home, and if all went well I'd be able to go home as soon as the outrealms opened up. I'd feel bad leaving the Shepherds but it would be the best for everyone.

Ignoring that fact, I still had to deal with the here and now. I had to be reasonable so I wouldn't embarrass myself with these distracting feelings. Thinking about it, I was probably pulling a Cordelia; putting the image of Robin on a pedestal and ignoring the real him. I hoped I was being more reasonable than that, but the fact that the only bad thing about him I could come up with was that he had a tendency to embarrass himself by not thinking before he spoke had me worried. What were his flaws? Would I still be crushing on him if I knew them?

I tuned back in to Chrom saying, "Thanks, Emm. I mean it. We'll escort you to the palace before we head north to the border."

Oh crap, that sounded important. I had been so busy worrying over Grima and Robin that I'd missed the entire post-battle dialog. Woops. Well, at least it's not like that was anything new.

* * *

 

Packing for the march took no time at all, as usual. It was just a matter of running to the girls' room and grabbing my bag. I wouldn't even worry about that, but I couldn't remember how long we'd be gone or when we'd get back to the barracks. I knew we would get in a fight where we'd recruit Cordelia, and that we'd be going back to Ferox. But anything after that was a blur. I think maybe we'd be going to the desert after that?

That reminded me, I needed to fill my waterskin. And it's not like there were water fountains here. So…where was I supposed to go for that?

Robin found me wandering the barracks. "So what were you going to tell me? Do you know what happened back there?"

Oh, that's right. "I have a theory. You know you're connected to Grima, right?" He looked at me in surprise. Okay then, guess not. "It's evidenced by the mark of your hand."

He glanced at the mark of Grima on his right hand. "Okay, so what are you saying?"

"I think what we felt was Grima using his power to revive Validar." Robin's eyes widened as if to say, 'He can do that?' I nodded at the unspoken question. "I don't know why I felt it too, though. As far as I know I have no connection to him. All I can think of is that maybe he's the one who brought me here."

Robin sighed. "If he really did bring Validar back I should let Chrom know. He knows the way into the castle now; it wouldn't be wise to ignore that." He left, leaving me alone to try to figure out what I had been doing before.

I looked at what I was holding to see if it gave me any clues. Right! I was trying to figure out where I could fill my waterskin. Dang! I should have asked Robin!

* * *

 

I eventually got my waterskin filled at the supply wagon, solving that problem. Now we were marching again. Oddly enough, we were not only escorting Emmeryn and Phila and her knights, but also a priest I didn't remember. Like, at all. That was strange. I could only guess he wasn't important enough to last more than a chapter, which meant he was probably going to die. I thought it best not to inform him of that, however.

Speaking of informing people, I should probably tell Chrom and Robin that we were going to encounter trouble at breakneck pass. Oh! And inform Phila that Cordelia's whole unit was going to die! Shoot, those were probably the important things I forgot to tell them earlier.

I hastened my pace to catch up with the head of the party where Chrom, Emmeryn, Phila and Robin were. Robin was enthusiastically telling about some tactics he had read about and wanted to test out in the next battle. It was nice to hear him excited about something instead of worried or serious like he normally was when I spoke to him. I couldn't help always having something serious to talk about, but it was disappointing to know I'd never put that look on his face myself.

I needed to stop getting distracted, I was here for a reason. "Chrom! Phila!" I called when I was close enough. Sorry to interrupt, Robin, but this was important. "I forgot to tell you before we left, but we're going to be attacked on the way to the Eastern Palace. We need to change our route."

"Preposterous! How could you know such a thing?" Phila burst out.

I almost replied, 'I'm from the future' out of spite, but for all I knew they'd believe me and it would mess up their belief in my actual cover story. Before I could find the right words, though, Chrom beat me to it. "Merra once knew a psychic. Apparently the Shepherds were a common subject of her visions." Then he turned to me. "Where are we going to be attacked?"

"Breakneck Pass."

Robin thought for a moment. "Didn't you say we'd recruit a pegasus knight named Cordelia there?"

I nodded. "That's right."

Phila looked between the three of us in bewilderment. "You believe her?"

Chrom looked hard at the captain. "Merra was the one who warned us about the assassins invading the castle. In fact, all of her warnings have proven to be correct so far. If she says we're going to be attacked at Breakneck Pass, then we'd best avoid it."

I smiled at the prince's faith in me. A good fighter I was not, but it felt good to be viewed as useful for something, at least.

"But why would you recruit Cordelia at Breakneck Pass?" Phila asked skeptically. "She's stationed at the border."

I hesitated, but spoke up anyway. "Her whole unit ends up getting slaughtered, and upon their insistence she flees to tell us what happened."

Phila gaped, while Emmeryn's eyes widened. "I must return to the castle. The people need me in these troubling times."

I steeled myself, doing my best not to get disarmed by the exalt's peaceful presence, and plowed forward. "No, your Grace. If you go back, you'll be captured and publicly executed. It will devastate Ylisse. In light of that, I think the people can more easily afford for you to be absent from the Capitol temporarily, if only so you're not absent from them permanently."

Robin looked unsurprised at the new information since I'd already told him, but apparently he hadn't told the others very much because both Chrom and Phila looked horrified. Emmeryn just looked conflicted.

"I—" she began.

"Please, Emm," Chrom interrupted. "Don't go back. Merra's always right." He sent her a pleading look, one from little brother to big sister. I looked away, giving them some space. This seemed like something personal. I was just the messenger.

Emmeryn crumbled under that look of desperation. "Alright. We'll find another route and continue." She looked my way. "Thank you, Merra."

I ducked my head in acknowledgement and slowed my pace so I'd drop back from the head of the group. Chrom looked back to the rest of the Shepherds. "Take a break, guys!" He raised his voice so it would carry to everyone. "We're stopping for a few minutes."

"Already?" Gaius asked. "It's not even morning yet."

He had a point. The assassin attack had come in the middle of the night, and afterward we had gathered our things and left before the sun had a chance to rise. If we wanted to relocate Emmeryn without the plegians knowing, it was best done under the cover of darkness.

Of course, that meant everyone had been up since that morning, so most of the shepherds were tired and cranky. Except me, having slept all afternoon.

"We're stopping to re-plan our route," I told the thief. He nodded, confused, but accepting the reason.

Not seeing a reason to stand around and do nothing, I sat down on the ground. Most of the Shepherds followed my example, getting off their tired feet. Really, were they Shepherds or were they sheep?

* * *

 

The rest of the march was uneventful. Having revealed to Lissa and Stahl (and, by extension, pretty much everyone else) I was from a different world I was able to talk about things that I hadn't before, like the differences in technology. It almost felt like that was the only reason they were talking to me though. I tried to ignore the feeling.

By the time we got to the Eastern Palace the sun was up, and had been for a while. According to my watch it was 11:13, so late morning, and everyone was dead on their feet. Chrom gave us the afternoon to recuperate, so most of the Shepherds just collapsed into the nearest unoccupied bed, including Chrom, to my surprise. I thought he'd stay awake since he was in charge, but I guess he had been up as long as everyone else.

Then it was just me, Phila and Panne. Phila insisted on keeping watch since everyone else was asleep. Panne didn't seem comfortable around so many humans yet, and chose to stay awake. I could go for a nap, but was too afraid of waking everyone up with my nightmares to actually fall asleep. Besides, I could take this time to repair my clothes again. The assassins had done a number on them.

Sitting against the wall, I got to work. There were a lot of little rips to deal with, along with some larger tears and some patches that had completely burned off. I didn't remember going up against any mages, but then again there had been that time when I had stopped thinking. The burn marks could have happened then.

Most of the affected areas were on the arms, so I didn't have to actually take my jacket off, which was nice. I did anyway though after stabbing myself with the needle a few too many times.

Once I got my jacket done, adding three patches along with several stitching jobs, I moved on to my shirt. That I actually had to take off to work with, leaving me in my sports bra. There weren't as many cuts on the shirt as there were on the jacket, but that was mainly because it was short-sleeved. I fixed the one scorched section from a fire spell I didn't remember getting hit with, trying to figure out how I hadn't noticed something like that, before setting the garment down.

I searched my exposed skin for a burn matching the scorched sections I had just repaired on my shirt and jacket, but found nothing but light scars and bruises. The scars were new. I guess heal staves couldn't fix things completely, could they? Not like they weren't ever there, at least. It's funny, I didn't remember getting healed either. The bruises were not unexpected, at least. They were probably from training with Sully. I didn't bruise easy, so there weren't many.

After my inspection I covered back up and leaned against the wall, closing my eyes for a moment. Wouldn't it be nice to snooze a little? Not deeply enough to dream, but enough for the mind to wander…

One of the other two in the room shifted, reminding me they were there, and suddenly dozing didn't seem so appealing. Phila broke the silence. "I'm going to go patrol." She got up and left, leaving me alone with Panne.

Not knowing how to talk to the moody taguel, I got out my journal. I hadn't gotten to write anything down yet, and now was a good a time as any. I made a list of events and another list of characters to start off. Then I was at a loss on how to continue. The lists were disappointingly short. Most of the stuff I remembered in detail had already happened. I had made it to maybe chapter fifteen in the game, but hopefully I wouldn't be here for all that. Maybe when I left at the outrealms I'd leave some spoilers behind to help out even when I was gone.

That made me worry, though. So far my spoilers either hadn't made a difference or changed things for the worst. I had changed something big this time, averting an entire battle. Heck, I had even saved the priest if he was supposed to die in that chapter. But where was Cordelia? I thought she'd still be able to find us from her pegasus, but she hadn't shown up. Did I mess something up?

 _No, Emmeryn's safe. That was the goal._ I reminded myself. Whatever happened, I had finally changed things for the better.

I wondered if—no, _how_ —this would affect the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thing Merra changed in the conversation but couldn't figure out was that Chrom was supposed to notice "Marth" missing and track her down to say thank you. In turn he would learn what would have happened had Marth not intervened. Also he'd find out she's a girl. So it was…slightly important. Oh well.
> 
> Merra's memory has been getting less and less helpful, hasn't it? That's because it's been getting longer and longer since I played the game, and I'm finally forgetting things. I just put the game in my 3DS so I could review the locations and hopefully jog my memory. I'm still fuzzy, but oh well.
> 
> That last paragraph was when I first posted this a year and a half ago. Now it's been even longer, and pretty much the only reason I remember events at all is because of this story XD So that's unfortunate.


	16. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go from bad to worse. Turns out you lack self-preservation when you're depressed! Who knew?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey! I'm procrastinating the chores I told myself I'd do today. Oh well.
> 
> I also added a cover to the first chapter! I might go in and sprinkle some illustrations in various chapters now that I know how. I'll let you know if I do.

Waiting for everyone else was _boring._ Once I had gotten what I had planned on doing done, I didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't about to get up and pace, because I was enjoying this opportunity to get off my feet and needed to conserve my energy. Talking to Panne sounded awkward, sleeping was out of the question and twirling my pen was only entertaining for so long. That left drawing, which ordinarily was fine but I had hit somewhat of a block recently. I had still been recovering from high school when I got sent here, and being in such a state had a way of putting me in an art slump. Besides, I should probably save my ink for more important things. I didn't know what I'd consider important down the line that I hadn't already written down, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

My boredom soon overwhelmed my responsibility however, and my restraint crumbled. I opened my journal. Even if I didn't draw anything, trying to think about what to draw often made time pass by faster.

I twirled my pen as I thought. Drawing pokemon would be frustrating without any references, and it would be needlessly painful to draw stuff from home that would make me homesick, like my cats. I settled on drawing the most useful thing I could think of, some of the sword stances I had learned. I sucked at drawing poses involving swords, so it would be good practice.

I got three figure drawings in before I got bored again. This was going to be a long afternoon.

* * *

 

"Would you stop staring?"

I blinked, realizing that yes, I had indeed been staring at Panne. Woops.

She leveled a glare at me, muttering something about "ignorant man-spawn" under her breath. Hey! I resented that! I had dreamt I was a taguel once, and it was one of the longest, most vivid dreams I'd ever experienced! Of course, I'd had different problems than she had, and she had to deal with them every day; I'd only had to deal with them for one dream. A long dream, yes, but it was still only temporary.

…what did that have to do with anything again? I'd lost my train of thought. Oh well. I wished I knew how to be friends with the taguel, but was too shy to break through her distrustful exterior. I hadn't read many of her supports in-game, and remembered even fewer, so I didn't have a lot to go on.

Frederick walked into the room, looking well-rested despite being the first one up. He looked at me, then at Panne, noting our distinctly not-sleeping forms. He scowled in frustration. "I strongly suggest you get some rest while you can. We're marching for Ferox this evening and we'll need to be fresh in case we run into trouble."

"There won't be any fights between here and there," I dismissed. "If I sleep, I'm likely to wake everyone up anyway. And you're up, so we'll probably be leaving soon. What's the point in trying to sleep now?"

He sighed and looked at the ceiling. "I always wake up early for milord Chrom. And last time you went without sleep you were useless. We won't be leaving for awhile. Sleep."

"Fine," I grumbled. I didn't feel like arguing, and I'd been up for more than twelve hours anyway. I grudgingly admitted he had a point and went to find a spare bed.

* * *

 

"Hey, Merra. It's time to get up."

…

"Merra, come on. We gotta go."

"Nnnnnn," I protested, and rolled away from the voice. It sounded like Gaius.

"Do I really have to shake you?" I sensed a hand reaching for me and slapped it away. Gaius made a confused noise and tried again, only to be batted away again.

Gaius sighed. "We don't have time for this." Without warning the covers were yanked away, allowing (comparatively) cold air to rush in.

I made an undignified noise and sat up; trying to sleep through this was not worth. "Fine, I'm up!" I took a second to remember where I was and what was going on, realizing how childish I had just been. I groaned. "Sorry for all the trouble."

Gaius waved a hand non-committally. "It's fine. Now that you're up I can go wake up the rest. Everyone awake's gathering in the front room before we go. Oh, and you missed dinner." He left.

What? Nooooooo! Oh man, today's march was going to _suck._

* * *

 

Most everyone was in the front room when I got there, only Gaius, Ricken and Vaike missing.

I looked around for Sumia. It was only fair that since she let me into her tent I try to get to know her better. To my surprise, though, she found me.

"I saved you some dinner." She held up a plate of food.

"Oh my gosh, my hero! Thanks." I smiled gratefully and took the plate, chowing down so that I wouldn't have to take it with us. I finished quickly. When I asked where to put the plate when I was done, Sumia told me to set it somewhere for the maids to get, as going back to the kitchen would waste everyone's time before we left. I reluctantly set the plate down on a chair.

Ricken entered the room, yawning and looking tired. Ah, teenage melatonin levels, how I would not miss thee. Vaike and Gaius entered not much later, the former looking far too alert for just waking up.

"Is everyone ready?" Chrom asked, getting a myriad of positive responses in return. "Then let's go."

* * *

 

I was going to be sick.

The first sign that something was wrong was the feathers. There were white feathers littering the grass, like someone had killed at least half a dozen large birds. Then there was the blood, which was hardly surprising considering the feathers. Then there were the bodies.

They weren't birds.

No, the bodies consisted of several plegian soldiers, a pegasus, and one lone pegasus knight. I knew who it was without looking, but I looked anyway. Red hair splayed out where she had fallen, arrows protruding from her back, Cordelia lay, clearly dead.

Could I only trade one life for another? Emmeryn for Cordelia?

She had certainly put up a good fight, if the fallen soldiers were anything to go by. One was skewered by a javelin, while another was crushed beneath her pegasus. I didn't care to look at the rest.

Warm saliva began flooding my mouth and I knew I needed to think of something else, quick. It wasn't the gore that had me upset, (though that probably wasn't helping) but the fact that this was my doing. My choice had allowed this to happen.

The feeling of my stomach trying to fall into the void reminded me of the impeding danger of being sick, so I turned away and started walking. Once I was a good ten paces away I allowed myself to fall into a crouch.

My warnings had caused nothing but trouble. What use was I if I couldn't save someone without messing things up?

I had to calm my breathing. Think of something else. Like flowers. Flowers were nice. The wildflowers here were different from the ones at home. Did Cordelia like flowers? Not that I'd ever be able to ask her or give her any.

Oh. People brought flowers to funerals, didn't they?

New subject. Um. Cats? I missed my cats. At this point I'd rather be homesick than thinking about the fact that I'm the reason Cordelia's— _DAMNIT._ I'm supposed to be the master of distraction. I can procrastinate anything, whether I want to or not, by getting distracted. Can I really not distract myself from this?

I looked to the sky and tried counting to ten. That was a thing people did when trying to calm down, right? I felt tears threatening to spill and held my eyes wide in an effort to hold them in. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to get reduced to another anxiety attack in front of everyone, but it was so hard. It was so hard to hold this entire world on my shoulders.

How could I have thought I was strong enough to do anything right?

I bowed my head and let the tears fall.

Naga, I was weak.

I was so lost in my wallowing that I didn't notice someone walk up next to me until they said my name, startling me.

"Sorry; I didn't mean to scare you." It was Chrom. "This isn't your fault, you know."

I looked up at him, face already red from the short time I had been crying. Not my fault? Didn't he see what had happened? Surely he had put two and two together. We'd talked about this!

"I'm the only changing variable." I repeated what I had told him before. "If I hadn't told you to avoid Breakneck Pass…I mean, it was just another battle. We haven't had any casualties in battle yet. There was no reason to avoid it other than my own cowardice."

"But then Emmeryn would have been captured, right?" Robin appeared on my other side, causing me to jump again. I hadn't realized he was there!

I hid my face in my hands. Naga it was embarrassing to be seen like this. "Maybe, but only if we couldn't convince her to stay. We could have fought the battle, met up with C-Cordelia and _then_ convinced Emmeryn to change the script."

I looked back at the other Shepherds to see how my mistake effected them. I wasn't the only one who was at least teary-eyed; Sumia was having a hard time keeping it together and Maribelle and Ricken were looking a bit green around the gills.

Chrom sighed. "I know I've said it before, but that's too much to carry on your shoulders. Don't you see that? It wasn't your choice alone that did this. We chose to follow your advice, for one, and you couldn't have known what was going to happen when you changed things from what you knew before."

I didn't reply, instead turning to Robin. "As a tactician, you may understand. How would you feel if someone died carrying out one of your plans?"

Robin grimaced, knowing exactly what I was getting at. "Terrible, I'm sure," he acknowledged.

The three of us stood in silence for a minute.

"If we can't can't get you to stop blaming yourself, perhaps you could try making amends. Would you like to help bury her?"

I wiped my eyes and nodded. "I do like digging holes," I quietly admitted.

"Alright," Chrom smiled as best he could in light of the grim situation. "I'll show you where the shovels are."

* * *

 

I ended up digging alongside Vaike, who was uncharacteristically solemn. Which was understandable, really. I didn't know how many of the Shepherds knew Cordelia, if any at all, but being able to name a dead body always made it hit closer to home.

_My fault my fault my fault—_

The digging was mindless work, giving me all the more time to mope. But it gave me something to do, which was better than just sitting down and trying to keep it together.

Aside from the guilt, any grief was numbed; Technically, I'd never met the fallen pegasus knight. She wasn't one of the Shepherds who I knew all about; I hadn't gotten around to focusing on her supports before I stopped playing. I knew she excelled at nearly everything she did, she was the youngest of her group of pegasus knights, and she had a crush on Chrom, but couldn't actually marry him. Dare I say it, but I was more upset about my mistake costing someone their life than Cordelia's life in particular, the realization of which only made me feel worse. What kind of awful human being felt guilt for their actions more strongly than grief over a lost life?

I shoved the shovel in the dirt harder, jamming it into the ground before putting weight on the end of the handle to scoop out the spoils. I may not have been strong, but my determination to distract myself drove me to make progress at roughly the same pace as Vaike.

I couldn't decide if it felt like an eternity or no time at all when we were finished. Cordelia was lowered into the newly dug hole, and all was silent save for the shovels filling the grave in with dirt. It seemed…lacking, for lack of a better word. Being at war, we had little time to spare for respecting the dead. The grave was marked, but really, Cordelia deserved better.

I went to find some wildflowers for her. It was the least I could do, considering.

_Considering I killed her._

* * *

 

I spent the rest of the march in a haze. I didn't even realize when I started shivering after we made it over the border to Ferox, but it seemed that Robin did, opening his coat so the two of us fit under it once again. I said nothing, grateful for the warmth that I felt I didn't deserve. As a bonus, keeping our steps in sync was the perfect distraction from my morbid thoughts.

The rest of the Shepherds were quiet as well, murmuring to each other now and then. All in all, it was a very, very long walk.

With Emmeryn safe in the Eastern Palace, Chrom wasn't as out of it when we got to Ferox as he was in canon, and as such, Sumia didn't feel the need to "slap" him in the face. Which was a shame, really; seeing the prince getting punched in the face would have lightened my mood considerably. I paused at the thought; that sounded pretty mean, didn't it? It wasn't that I wanted to see him get hurt, it was just that the entire ordeal was hilarious in the game, between Sumia not knowing what she was doing and the joke being at Chrom's expense. But I was overthinking things, wasn't I? Mentally grumbling, I discarded the entire thought process in favor of paying attention to the conversation at hand.

It wasn't that interesting to listen to, honestly, as it was just Ferox agreeing to lend Ylisse troops for the war. Flavia stated that she would be coming too, so at least that hadn't changed from canon. She offered to let us stay for the night, but with the war looming Chrom thought it best to return to Ylisse and defend the border.

Once again, we marched.

* * *

 

We were almost to the Ylissean border when Chrom called everyone to arms. "Risen approaching! Prepare to fight!"

A risen battle? Fine. It was unexpected, but I didn't care enough to be surprised. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to; what was one more change?

I shrugged out of Robin's coat, stepping out into the cold. I suppose I should unsheathe Hack, right?

Lethargically I removed the blade. I didn't really feel like fighting right now, but it looked like I didn't have a choice. I tried to hype myself up, get in the zone, but all I could really think about was that it was cold.

So, bitterly cold.

Robin was barking orders at the other Shepherds, trying to organize them in a way that was efficient for the situation at hand. He sent me to the back with Miriel, allowing me to both stay warm with her fire magic and be in a relatively low-stress area. I felt bad being treated like a fragile healer, but just this once, I was also glad. Being in the back meant less fighting, which meant less effort. And I certainly wasn't in the mood to put forth any kind of effort at the moment.

I heard the clash of weapons near the front of the party but paid it little mind. The risen were unlikely to get through the first layer of Shepherds if we all stayed fairly close together.

That's what I thought anyway.

Somehow one must have gotten through, because suddenly there was a swoosh by my ear and I barely had the good sense to duck before I got decapitated. What the hell? Where had that come from?!

My head felt cold and I realized the near miss had in fact knocked off my hat. Brilliant. I could only hope I'd find it before it got buried in the snow.

I didn't have time to look however, as the sword-wielding risen reminded me with a hefty swing of its blade. I dodged, just barely, yet again. Gods I didn't feel like doing this. Honestly, I'd rather just lay down and sleep.

I took another quick step back to get out of the way of another swing. Snarling in frustration, the risen followed up by bringing the sword back from the opposite direction. Time slowed down as I watched the sword pass my face, having only just leapt back out of range. The powerful swing gave me an opening, thankfully, which I took without hesitation. Maybe I didn't feel like doing this, but there was no way around it. Not only would I die if I didn't act, but I'd put Miriel in danger as well, since I was supposed to be guarding her.

Speaking of the red-haired mage, where was she exactly? I was slowing down from the cold and wouldn't be able to dodge forever. Autopilot kicked in as I checked my peripherals for the mage and my hat. Feeling a surge of warmth behind me, I stepped back towards it without much thought.

Sudden, unbearable heat snapped me out of my autopilot and I had about a split second to think, _Oh, fuck,_ before I was engulfed in flame.

I was on fire. _Mother of fuck, I was on fire._ There was no describing the pain. Words like "burning," "searing," and lots of colorful language came to mind, but that was about as coherent as it got.

I completely forgot about the risen on either side of me (for that had been a risen mage's fireball) in favor of panicking. Not the smartest decision on my part, but I was in too much pain to think clearly. Right about the time I realized that I was literally surrounded by frozen water and all I had to do was stop, drop and roll, the risen in front of me decided to remind me it was there by taking a stab at me. Even if I had seen it, I was in no condition to dodge. The risen hit its mark, forcing a good three inches of steel into my chest.

As if to add insult to injury, I dropped Hack. I couldn't even try to take the risen down with me.

The sword in my chest was yanked out, allowing me to fall to the snowy ground. The contrast between the temperatures gave me some clarity. I longed to roll to put out the flames continuing to torture me, but knew that if I didn't play dead the risen would make sure I was dead for real. And as welcome as the oblivion of death was starting to feel, my survival instincts wouldn't let me off the hook that easy.

Darkness encroached upon my vision and I did my best to focus. Even if I wasn't gravely wounded, I knew that falling unconscious in the snow was a bad idea.

Through my dimming view I saw the risen walk away and deemed it safe enough to roll, finally putting out the fire on my other side. My panicked mind quieted, and without the fire the cold swept back in with a vengeance, seeping into my very being.

The darkness at the edges of my vision crept ever inward, but I was able to make out Stahl riding in to slay the risen walking away from me. And where Stahl was, Lissa wasn't far behind, if the last battles were any indication.

"Lis—" I coughed weakly, spitting blood. Magnificent. This was just like most of my nightmares. "Lissa!" I croaked. My voice was hoarse, and I realized I had been screaming until now.

"Merra!" Lissa's voice invaded my dulling hearing. "Oh my gods, stay with me!"

With the knowledge that salvation was here, I finally allowed myself to fall unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how much the chapter jumps around. I won't apologize for hurting Merra though. It was bound to happen eventually. You try fighting depressed! It's bad news!
> 
> The dream mentioned in the chapter is dream 128, which can be found on my dream blog (https://kalimarsdreamlog.tumblr.com/post/167562780955/). Good things happen, but so do very, very bad things, so I've got a sort of love-hate relationship with that one. I miss the characters. Wish I could dream about them again.


	17. Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merra steals some clothes, and Chrom burns monstrosities with Frederick. Also dramatic nightmares are dramatic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got a little overwhelmed in the original A/N by the enormity of the task of writing out an entire novelization of Fire Emblem Awakening. It's fine, really. I'm almost halfway there! Well, not at this chapter, but if you're caught up on fanfiction, that's another story.

The first thing I registered upon waking was the pounding in my head. The second thing was that, once again, I wasn't in the same place I last remembered being. This was, what, the third time that's happened? At this point I wasn't even phased. At least I wasn't bleeding out in the snow.

Although, where was I exactly? Last time I lost consciousness mid-battle I ended up on the back of Frederick's horse, but right now I was actually lying down. And there was a ceiling above me. And it felt like I was moving? I sat up and tried to figure out where I was. Noticing the crates and bags surrounding me, I concluded I was in the supply wagon.

I shivered. I felt cold, even though the air wasn't nearly as frigid as it had been before I passed out. Looking down I saw that my clothes were in tatters, and where the fabric had burned away dramatic burn scars showed through. I froze for a second; was this really what I looked like now?

Was my face okay? I tried not to be vain, but the last thing I wanted was for my skin to have melted and made my face disfigured and droopy-looking. My fears were unfounded, thank goodness, when I brought my hands to my face and felt only smooth skin. Well, the fire had centered around my back; maybe it hadn't had enough time to do more than mildly burn my face? I had obviously been healed, majorly, if the lack of life-threatening chest wound was any indication, so I suppose milder burns, like those that might've been on my face, would have healed and faded entirely.

I shivered again; were there any spare clothes in this wagon? Surely no one would mind if I borrowed their clothes, considering the charred condition of my own. Even the extra fabric I had been wearing as a scarf hadn't come out unscathed. I sighed mournfully; These clothes and my pen were all I had from home, and now they were pretty much trash. I didn't have enough fabric left to repair everything, and my pen had melted in my jacket pocket.

I rummaged around in the bags surrounding me, trying to ignore the guilt that came with snooping in others' stuff. It wasn't working. It seemed that most of the Shepherds didn't think they'd be away long enough to warrant a change of clothes; I'd call them gross for it, but to be honest, I hadn't actually changed clothes since waking up here either. I could only hope I didn't stink too badly.

A bag that looked a good deal more expensive than the others stood out; it was one of the last ones I hadn't checked out of respect and fear of the consequences of stealing. But seeing as none of the other bags held clothes, I reluctantly opened it.

To my great surprise, it held not one, but two changes of clothes! And an extra parasol. Oh, good gods, this bag could only belong to Maribelle. Did I really want to incur her wrath by stealing her clothes?

Ah, but would I rather let people see me in my current state? The answer was no, no I did not. Mentally apologizing and begging for mercy, I changed into the nice clothes.

_Well,_ I thought, _at least it's not a dress._

Deciding it was about time to stop being a burden to the horses pulling the supply wagon, I stood up, only for static to cover my vision and dizziness to wash over me. I hurriedly dropped to the ground before I could fall and hurt myself. _Low blood pressure strikes again._ Although, I suppose I did have a pretty good excuse this time; I had bled an awful lot in the snow earlier.

Once my vision cleared I decided that maybe waiting until the wagon stopped was for the best. In the meantime, I could use my remaining green fabric to repair what I could of my clothes, the most important being my sports bra and jacket, in that order. Really, there was no saving the shirt, jeans, or even the jacket, but I wasn't willing to let the latter go without a fight. Even if it wasn't one of the few things I had from home, this was my favorite jacket—it was warm and perfectly comfortable, good for even sleeping in.

I looked around for my bag; I was pretty sure I had left it in here before the risen battle. Something brightly colored caught my attention, and I almost hooted in delight—it was Hack and my pokemon hat! Lissa must have found them in the snow after she healed me! My bag wasn't far away, so I grabbed my sewing supplies from it and got to work.

The sports bra proved to be a challenge; my green fabric wasn't stretchy like the fabric of the bra, for one, and two, pretty much the entire back of the bra was gone. The sides were charred and flimsy, so the only salvageable part was the front; luckily, that was the part that was important.

Once my bra was was fixed I slipped it on and began working on repairing my jacket. It was in much worse shape, and I didn't have enough fabric to replace everything that had burned away. Like my bra, most of the back was gone, and the sides weren't doing so great either. Even the front had been blackened, as the fire had crept around to eat away the outermost layer of cloth. Really, the two halves of the front were barely held together by the zipper and the hood, which had somehow managed to survive the inferno. The ends of the sleeves were relatively intact, but the backs of the shoulders were all but gone. All in all, I would have to pick which places were the most important, and use my limited fabric supply accordingly.

Actually…well, I knew I wasn't going to be able to fix my shirt or pants. I could cannibalize those to use for more patching material. I could use the remains of my shirt for the inner lining, since that would be warmer and more comfortable, while I could use the denim on the outside of the jacket wherever my green fabric wouldn't cover. Perfect.

This was actually going to be a major endeavor. Great. Immediately overwhelmed by the enormity of the task before me, I stuffed the damaged clothing—if it could even be called that anymore—in my bag. I'd deal with it later.

Although…I had nothing else to do. I sighed, pulling the tattered fabrics back out of my bag. The sooner I got this done, the better. I had a lot of work to do.

Sewing in a moving wagon wasn't easy—I'd already stabbed myself with the needle almost a dozen times—and neither was focusing on the stitching without my ADHD medicine. I was only about a quarter of the way done with the outside layer when the wagon came to a stop.

Lissa poked her head in. "Oh! You're awake! How are you feeling?"

"Eh." I shrugged. I wasn't dying, but my head felt like it was being split and I felt scattered, like I couldn't hold onto my own thoughts. All in all, not much different from the rest of the time I'd been here.

Lissa's eyes widened at the sight of my attire. "Oh gosh, Maribelle might just kill you."

I looked down at the pink, frilly clothes I had "borrowed." "Yeah, well, no one else brought a change of clothes and mine could hardly be worn in front of other people, so…" I swallowed down my guilt. I'd wash them and give them back, of course, right after I got enough money to buy my own. Man, money sure went fast when you had nothing to your name.

"Maybe she'll understand if I talk to her." Lissa didn't look convinced it would work, which wasn't very reassuring. But what was I supposed to do? Go out in clothes that had practically been burned off of me?

My thoughts were going in circles. It was time to focus my attention elsewhere. "What are we stopped for?" I changed the subject.

"We just packed up camp. We marched for a while last night…you were out for a long time."

I winced at the reminder of my mistake. How idiotic could I be? I literally stepped straight into a fireball. Who does that?

I looked down at the floor. "Sorry for making such a dumb mistake. I've been such a screw-up since I got here; it's just been one thing after another. I guess I'm not good at this whole fighting thing…"

"Sure you are!" Lissa tried to cheer me up. "You managed to beat that brigand in Southtown when you didn't even have a weapon, remember?"

I didn't have the energy to point out how stupid the brigands in the prologue were, just saying, "I'm glad you think so," and leaving it at that.

Lissa noticed I didn't look convinced, but didn't push the subject any further. "Well, we're eating breakfast outside whenever you're ready to come out." She hesitated one more moment before leaving, probably to say something else before changing her mind.

Breakfast? Had I been out all night?

I sighed. There was little point to staying in here and hiding, no matter how nice it sounded. Gathering my stuff I stood up, this time hunching over to ward away the static and dizziness, before straightening up and stepping down out of the wagon. I could work on my jacket after I ate.

I was instantly met with shouting, which did not mix well with my aching head. "Why you insolent little—!"

"Maribelle!" Lissa tried to calm her high-class friend down.

"Go wear your own clothes! Mine are not for the public to use as they please!" She held up her parasol and my eyes widened. I barely had time to block my face with my arms before I was warding off blows. Man, she hit hard!

"My clothes were burned to shreds!" I tried to explain between hits. "I don't have any more! I arrived here with nothing but the clothes on my back and now they're useless!"

Hearing this, Maribelle calmed down a little. _Just_ a little. "Wear someone else's then! My clothes are not meant for you grubby commoners!" She accentuated her exclamation with one last swing of her parasol.

Was she done? I cautiously lowered my arms. "You were the only one who brought an extra change of clothes." I muttered sheepishly.

"I what?" Maribelle looked horrified. "I'm the only one who brought a change of clothes?" She turned to the rest of the Shepherds, shouting, "You are all disgusting!" Before storming off.

Everyone watched her storm away before looking at me to see what the commotion was about. I stepped behind Lissa, putting her between me and all their eyes. I was not one for being the center of attention, no siree.

"I'm so sorry, she stopped listening to me as soon as I mentioned you were wearing her clothes," Lissa apologized. "Let's go get some food." She tried to distract me from the curious stares of the other Shepherds.

"Alright." I allowed myself to be led away to where the food was.

After being served she led me to where she had been sitting with Sumia, Chrom, Frederick and Robin. They were already done eating, so I found myself being the center of attention once again. Seeing my discomfort, Robin coughed and awkwardly began conversation.

"So…what's with the naked Chrom posters in the tents?"

Chrom almost choked on his drink. "The _what?"_

I coughed until I almost choked, too, trying not to laugh. Oh my gods, I'm so glad Frederick didn't put one in the supply wagon.

"Merra?!" Chrom looked at me, looking bewildered and betrayed.

"It wasn't—" I coughed again, "—me, don't worry. Frederick, care to explain?"

"I thought it best to raise the morale, milord, after recent events." Frederick explained. "I placed a poster in every tent with the caption—"

"In _every tent?!"_ Chrom practically shrieked. Scrambling, he got up and made for where the tents were kept at top speed.

Frederick looked confused. "Did I do something wrong?"

Lissa was laughing too hard to speak. Robin looked as confused as Frederick, likely over the knight's logic. I could have explained, but wanted to see where this went, leaving it to a heavily blushing Sumia to try to articulate the words needed to explain that, yes, Frederick, you did something extraordinarily wrong.

"Most people," she wrung her hands, "ehm, don't want other people to see them naked, especially without their knowing. It's, um, a breach of privacy?"

Frederick was appalled at his blunder. "I did not realize." His expression changed to one of disappointment, then determination. "I must take them down at once!" He, too, got up and made for the tents.

Lissa finally managed to calm down. "Whew," she wiped tears from her eyes. "Frederick can sure be a handful sometimes."

I was lost in thought for a second. "Hm…I'm sure Vaike wouldn't mind."

"What, having a poster of Chrom in his tent?"

I snorted, trying not to break back down into laughter. "No, I mean, I don't know about that one. What I meant was having a poster of _himself_ in every tent. He doesn't seem to mind showing skin in front of everyone." I paused for a moment. "And now I'm imagining things I never wanted to see. Can we stop talking about this?"

"You were the one who elaborated," Lissa said with a look that said she was still trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I regret everything." I busied myself with my food to avoid thinking about the disturbing images I had just fabricated or the ensuing silence I had just caused.

By the time I finished Chrom came back, looking red and flustered. I saw smoke rising a little ways away from where the tents were kept. "You burned them?" I couldn't keep the smirk off my face.

Chrom ran a hand through his hair, still trying to recover from the embarrassment of the posters. "It was Frederick's idea, and a good one at that."

Ah, Frederick and his love for starting fires. Gotta love it.

\---

We made it back to the Capitol in good time after that. I was tired, extremely so, since I had been unconscious instead of sleeping for the night, but everyone else had slept and I had training to do. Not only that, but I was hoping to have a bath sometime soon.

Gosh I missed showers. Never thought I'd say that; showers were a pain. But they were better than sitting in a tub of water that gradually got filthier the longer you were in it so that even if you were cleaner than you were before, you still weren't completely fresh.

Maybe I could have a nap before training? I could take a bath after. With Emmeryn safe in the eastern palace, I had no idea if or when there would be another battle, but it was probably safe to assume I at least had today.

Setting my watch alarm for an hour from now, I stumbled into the girls' room in the barracks and promptly fell asleep.

* * *

 

I was in the ruined future. I don't know how I knew; dreamer's intuition maybe? Risen were everywhere, and the Shepherds were fighting valiantly against their ever-growing numbers. I wasn't among them. And why would I be? I didn't belong here.

I was watching from a third person perspective. Donnel was the first to fall—I hitched in a breath, because I realized this was the first time I'd seen him since coming here. The first time I'd seen him, and it was his death. I couldn't believe we'd forgotten to complete his paralogue. Was his village okay? Or was he already dead in my timeline?

Maribelle fell next, Lissa right behind as she went in harm's way to try to heal her friend. I tried to intervene, and suddenly found I had a body to control instead of just watching from a third person perspective. Of course, now that I was tangible the risen took notice of me, too, and instead of being able to help it was all I could do to defend myself.

There were so many of them. I had a vague notion that this was a dream, that I should have some measure of control, but I was too preoccupied to try lucid dreaming my way out of this mess. My movements were sluggish, my body unable to keep up with my mind.

I was being pushed back, the risens' blows too strong for me to block and too fast for me to press the offensive, when I backed into someone—or some _thing_ —behind me. I didn't have time to look to see who or what it was, because backing into them meant I no longer had any room to dodge. As a last ditch effort I tried turning intangible—it was a power I regularly had in dreams—and to my relief the risen's blade went right through me without a scratch, only for blood to erupt from behind me, accompanied by a gut-wrenching cry. Still intangible, I looked behind me to see what had happened.

Collapsing to the ground was Lon'qu, blood still gushing from his back from the risen's blow. I dropped to the ground with him, successfully avoiding another risen's weapon by ducking under it, trying to put my hands on the wound until someone could heal him. Upon my hand touching his back, however, he looked at me and jerked away. "Away, woman!" He gasped out.

"Sorry dude, but all our healers are—" I stopped. I was going to say _"women,"_ but realized that they were already dead. Oh gods. Oh _gods._ What do I do?

Just then, all the risen turned to dust, weapons falling to the ground. I turned back to Lon'qu, only he was gone. Even the blood was missing.

Slowly I got up, checking to see if anyone was left. Robin was kneeling a little ways away from me, looking at his empty arms. "Chrom…?"

I put two and two together, realizing that he must have been holding Chrom before everyone disappeared. The prince had probably been slain grieving his sister.

At this point I was finally going into shock, numbing to the horrors around me. No tears fell. I waited to see what would happen next, and man, the universe did not disappoint.

It came as no surprise to me when the sky darkened, shadowy clouds swirling into existence not too far away. The clouds blackened and grew until they encompassed almost my entire field of vision. Then they took shape, revealing the menacing silhouette of Grima's dragon form.

The only thing I could comprehend was _GET AWAY._ No longer did I remember that I was pretty sure this was a dream. In a moment of clarity I grabbed Robin's hand and pulled him with me, as I didn't want to know what would happen if he tried to face Grima himself. Instinctively I tried flying, since the dream (though I did not remember it was a dream) was slowing down my running, only I couldn't get off the ground.

Grima roared, a terrifying, overpowering sound that almost had me stopping in my tracks. With it came blinding pain, like I was in a tornado of fire, burning, searing, roasting away.

* * *

 

I woke up screaming.

Footsteps thundered down the hall to the girls' room, and Sully, Robin, and surprisingly Gaius burst through the door, all brandishing weapons. Seeing that I wasn't being attacked, they lowered their arms in confusion.

I sucked in a breath before coughing, my throat sore from all the screaming it had done recently. "Sorry guys," I apologized, "just a nightmare." The burn scars on my back and sides twinged and I winced, realizing that that was probably what had caused the last part of the dream. I wanted to hug myself, give myself a little time to recover from the subconsciously self-inflicted trauma, but instead I put on a brave face. There was no need to worry the ones who had tried coming to my rescue.

Gaius gave a low whistle. "Must be some pretty bad nightmares to scream like that."

Sully elbowed the thief. "Don't be rude."

"I'm not being rude; I'm stating a fact!" Gaius defended.

While they bickered, Robin asked me, "Are you alright?"

I didn't like being the cause of the concern in his eyes. "I'll be fine," I answered curtly. More casually I muttered, "Nothing like seeing everyone die again. Though reliving the fireball was a bonus I didn't expect…"

Seeing that she was no longer needed, Sully interjected. "I'll give you a couple minutes. Come to the training room when you're ready." She left, dragging a protesting Gaius with her.

With them gone Robin spoke up. "You know, I've been having nightmares too."

Nightmares, plural? I only knew about the one, the premonition. "Really?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I don't know if any of them are memories, but there's nothing quite like a nightmare to make you appreciate what you have."

"That's a good way of looking at it," I admitted. "Doesn't make them any less traumatic in the moment though."

"No," he agreed. "It really doesn't."

We stood in a pondering silence for a couple of minutes.

I went and sat down on the bed I had slept in. I had slept in a different bed than last time since that one had turned out to be Sully's. "You know, I used to have really good dreams. Exciting ones. I could fly, use all kinds of magic, become different people…"

"That sounds amazing," Robin marveled.

"It was." I said wistfully. "But since coming here and going without my medicine, it's been nothing but risen and pain and death. I've been so tired without my medicine, but I'm afraid to sleep. I can't even stay up so long that I sleep too deeply to dream, because even exhaustion causes nightmares!" I lamented. Really, there was no winning.

"I wish I could help," Robin said, "but I don't even know how to stop my own."

"Same here." There was a beat of silence. "Aren't we a pair?"

"Yeah," he agreed, but looked unsure of how to continue the conversation.

I spared him the trouble. "I better get to the training room. Sully's waiting."

"Right. Good luck."

"Thanks, I'll try not to die."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Merra's pen; chapters 1-17. I'd also say RIP Chrom's dignity, but did he ever have much in the first place?
> 
> So more sewing this chapter! I realize I write about sewing after almost every battle. If anyone gets tired of it, I can gloss over it. I just figured it'd add to the realism.
> 
> Sometimes I worry I've brought up too many problems for Merra—she can't ever seem to have just one good day—but then I think, hey, at least the two things I'm allergic to don't exist in Fire Emblem! It's duct tape and spray-on sunscreen, for anyone wondering. Considering the total lack of food allergies, it could be worse. Much worse. Actually, I think I may have understated the social anxiety in this story, considering my state of mind when I began writing it. Adding more at this point would be weird and inconsistent, though, so we'll just stick with "socially awkward" and leave it at that. 
> 
> I also had a hard time getting into a depressed state of mind for Merra this chapter. Considering all that's happened, she should be a lot more down. Heck, even by the chapter name you can tell I was going to be more serious about this. But the Shepherds make it hard to stay down for any length of time, you know?


	18. Divine Intervention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for the cop-out of the century!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, this chapter gave me a lot of trouble when I wrote it. Once it was written, I fell asleep while listening to it for editing, and consequently deleted the entire thing in a way that couldn't be recovered somehow. As such I had to rewrite it, but I'll admit it's not as good as the first version. Oh well. 
> 
> Anyway, this is the last chapter for today!

On the way to the training room I checked my watch; I had only been asleep for half an hour. Sighing, I turned off the alarm. There was no need for it now.

As soon as I made it to the training room it became apparent that I was in the wrong place. Not a soul could be found inside. Wasn't this where Sully had said she'd be waiting? Maybe she was doing something else first.

I backed out of the training room and into the armory, bumping into someone. To my horror it was Frederick, and he didn't look happy.

"Sorry!" I apologized somewhat frantically. His expression didn't change.

Crap, what do I do? Do I run? Did he still not trust me? What was he doing in the armory anyway? Looking down at his hands, I saw that he was polishing armor. Okay, that answered that question. If trust was still an issue then running was pretty much the worst thing I could do, no matter how tempting it was. But how could I gain his trust? Saving Emmeryn was apparently not enough, and heroically saving someone in battle was unlikely coming from me, so it looked like I wouldn't be able to gain his trust in a single action. I'd have to build it slowly, like grinding for exp.

Going out of your way to help someone without any benefit to yourself was a good way to build trust, right? As long as it didn't seem like you were trying too hard? In that case, I could offer to help him polish armor. Sully wasn't in the training room yet, so it looked like I had some time.

Plan of action made, I offered my armor-polishing services.

"Have you ever polished armor before?" Frederick asked in response, probably trying to gauge my usefulness.

"No, but how hard can it be?"

Famous last words.

* * *

 

As it turned out, polishing armor was simple in theory, but tiring in practice. Frederick showed me how to polish in small circles, and the repetitive movement made it feel like my arm was going to fall off. But if I was getting this tired, then it was probably good exercise, which I sorely needed. I'd take it.

We worked in relative silence. Whenever I'd finish one piece of armor I'd ask what to do next and Frederick would wordlessly hand me the next one. In this way we made it through a good portion of the armory.

Sumia joined us after awhile. She and Frederick began talking, having easy conversation. I stayed out of it, having nothing to add.

I marveled at how pairings were starting to shape up, and the same ones as in my game too! First and foremost was Stahl and Lissa, but there was also Sully and Gaius, and now Sumia and Frederick. The latter pairings might not mean anything, as seeing them in the same room interacting obviously didn't equate liking each other, but if this was the game it would be a start.

Speaking of Sully and Gaius, where were they? We had been polishing armor for a while now, and still no one had come through the armory to use the training room. I was starting to get worried I was in the wrong place. What if I had been keeping them waiting someplace else while I was helping Frederick polish armor? They'd probably think I was skipping out or procrastinating.

"Do either of you know where Sully and Gaius are? They asked me to meet them in the training—" Oh no. I had just realized my mistake. "…yard…"

"They're probably in the training yard then," Sumia helpfully provided. Thank you, Sumia. Thanks so much.

I made to leave, regardless of the fact that I had no idea where the training yard was—It couldn't be that hard to find, right?—but as I was leaving Sumia stopped me.

"Do you plan on training in Maribelle's clothes? I'd hate to think what she'd do if anything happened to them."

She had a point. I shuddered at the thought of the troubadour's parasol; that hadn't been fun.

"I don't exactly have anything else to train in, so…" I reluctantly replied.

Sumia thought for a second. "You can use some of mine," she offered.

"Really? Thank you!" I was saved!

"Of course! Come on." She grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of the armory. Heh, bye Frederick.

On our way to the girls' room Sumia spoke up again. "I'm not sure if anyone's told you, but your hair got pretty burnt in the back. Do you want me to cut it for you?"

Good golly, Sumia was the Mom Friend of the Shepherds, wasn't she? First she shares her tent, then she saves me food, now she's letting me borrow her clothes and offering to cut my hair? What had I done to deserve such good treatment?

"That would probably be good, thanks." I reached back and felt the back of my hair. It was…a mess, to put it lightly. "Huh."

"What is it?"

"I didn't realize it was so bad…" I hadn't even noticed the air flow on my now exposed neck. How had I not noticed?

"Yeah, it's not pretty."

With that, we made it to the girls' room. Sumia sat me down on a stool I hadn't seen before and reached under a bed to grab her bag. I assumed it was hers anyway. Regardless, she pulled out a pair of scissors.

Well now I felt kind of stupid for using my sword to cut fabric before. I hadn't known if scissors were invented yet, sure, but by assuming they weren't I was basically calling everyone in this world an idiot. Scissors were a simple tool; heck, Miriel wore glasses, and lenses were way more complicated to make than scissors were.

By the time I tuned back in to the world around me Sumia was already halfway done cutting my hair. Good thing I wasn't changing my mind.

With my tendency to get lost in my thoughts, it felt like she was done in no time at all. After that she tossed some clothes at me and left me to change. Thanks?

When I was done changing I put Maribelle's clothes in my bag for safekeeping before exiting into the hallway. Now…which way to the training yard again? Had Sumia ever actually told me? Maybe the Mom Friend thing needed more work.

I heard the sound of swords clashing and decided to follow it. Surely it could only be coming from the training yard, right? I seriously doubted we were under attack.

I came to an intersection and waited for the sounds of fighting to guide me, but it was oddly silent. Didn't a bout last more than one clash of weapons? Whoever was fighting must have been doing a lot of dodging. The lack of battle cries was strange as well, but maybe voices didn't travel as well.

I heard the sound of metal on metal again, only this time it came from where I had just been. Huh? Confused, I nonetheless backtracked until I got myself lost. The halls looked different coming from a different direction. I leaned against the wall, groaning in frustration. Why couldn't I find the training yard if I could hear it?

There was the _thew!_ of arrows and suddenly I was back in Ferox. I was freezing, there was _something in my shoulder,_ and—

I blinked, and I was back in the barracks. What?

What had just happened?

The sound of a pokemon successfully being caught is what finally clued me into what was going on: I was hallucinating. That's why the direction of the sounds were inconsistent. And I was no expert, but that last part was clearly a flashback.

That didn't explain why it was happening though. I'd thought I was done with all this! I had been working so hard to pull myself together. Hadn't it been long enough since I first missed my medicine? Just how long was it going to take for the withdrawal to blow over? Yeah, I was low on sleep, but at least I _had_ slept recently, even if only a little bit. And the flashback? I thought I was better than that! Sure I had gotten hurt in Ferox, but it was over with now. Why was I reliving it? What was the point?

I slid down the wall, suddenly tired. Curling up against the wall was surprisingly comfortable, and before I knew it I had already fallen asleep.

* * *

 

I found myself at an outdoor aquarium on the beach. It was one of the best aquariums around, or so I'd been told anyway. Told by whom, though, I couldn't remember. I was floating a few inches off the ground, but I dismissed it as normal. Flying wasn't anything unusual for me.

I would have been content to watch the fish swimming in—and out of—their tanks, but there was someone else with me. It would be rude to ignore them.

I turned around to see a beautiful woman. She had an ethereal quality to her, and she, too, was floating a few inches off the ground. The peaceful calm radiating from her rivaled even Emmeryn.

I was speechless before her, so she initiated the conversation. "Do you know who I am?"

I could hardly think, but finally the cogs in my brain started turning to create sluggish thoughts. She had green hair and pointed ears, so she was probably a manakete. Between that and the ethereal air about her…I wet my lips, my mouth having gone dry. "Are you Naga?"

"I am," the now established Divine Dragon replied.

My mind reeled. I could only imagine what I had done to deserve her presence. Was she happy I had saved Emmeryn? Was she angry I had killed Cordelia? Was she mad I was messing up the timeline?

Was she going to send me home?

"I am not here to send you home," she said, as if reading my mind. "Grima has barred access to your world. I'm sorry."

Grima barred access to my world? Why would he do that? Why would he care if I could go home or not?

"But you're a goddess. Isn't there another way to send me home?" I didn't mind being here too much, but I didn't know how long I'd be able to last. I'd already almost died at least once, after all. Between worrying about surviving, not having my medicine and feeling homesick, wanting to go home was kind of a no-brainer.

"'Goddess' is a name humans have given me, but that does not make it so. I may be powerful, but I am not omnipotent. I'm sorry," she apologized again.

"Then why are you here?" I didn't mean to be rude, but being apologized to by a goddess, whether she said she was or not, was weird and I wanted it to stop.

"I have been watching you, and it looks like you've been having some trouble. From the start of your time here you've been falling apart." My, she was blunt. "Unfortunately, you've already formed bonds with the Shepherds. You're practically disintegrating through their fingers. At the rate you're going you will die, and with the things you've changed and the relationships you've formed, the consequences will be catastrophic."

Wasn't that a bit of an exaggeration? Sure I hadn't been doing well, but I was getting better, right? And bonds? Relationships? I had hardly even talked to the shepherds other than telling them about my problems and issuing warnings! How could losing me really be that bad? I had changed things for the better. Emmeryn was safe, and as upsetting as it was Cordelia's death shouldn't impact the timeline. What had I changed that would be bad if I died?

"Wh-what are you saying?"

"What I'm saying is that you don't give yourself enough credit. The Shepherds care for you. They worry for you. And Grima was counting on that to be their downfall when he brought you here."

So Grima brought me here? I was right? But…why?

"When Grima came back from the future, he had to pass many others worlds in the outrealms to get here, including your own. When he saw the so-called game you know of our world from, he knew he had to change something. So he added another variable: you."

This was too much. I glanced at a fish swimming by my face, trying to distract myself. I wasn't that important. Why choose me of all people to bring here?

"Grima brought you here because he saw a way to sabotage the Shepherds through you. He saw that you cannot function without outside help," her eyes were kind despite her harsh words, "the medicine that you talked to Chrom about. Without them you were likely to perish, thus lowering the morale of the Shepherds. Not only that, but as a player who knew events, he knew you would try to change things.

"I cannot stop you from interfering in events, nor can I revert the changes you have already made, but I do have one solution for you."

No way. Was she going to give me my medicine? Was that even possible?

"While I can't give your medicine in physical form, I can give you its effects. Consider it my blessing; you belong here now." She began ascending towards the clouds, slowly at first, but gaining speed.

"Wait!" I called. "What about side effects? And my family? Naga!" I tried flying after her but couldn't gain enough altitude.

Then she was gone, leaving me alone on a beach surrounded by reef fish.

* * *

 

I woke to the sound of my name. It wasn't a voice I recognized from my time here, though it wasn't entirely unfamiliar. Who hadn't I interacted with yet?

Easing open my eyes, I saw Ricken standing back and shielding his face as if I was going to attack. Ah. Guess word got out about my flailing?

"Don't worry Ricken, I'm not going to attack you." I stretched, slowly unfurling myself from the ball I had been curled up in. I felt better than I had in a while. Was Naga's blessing that quick? Or was it a placebo effect? Whatever the case, I decided that there was no reason to question _why_ I was feeling better, only to be glad that I _was._

Ricken lowered his arms sheepishly. "Sully sent me to look for you since you were taking so long. Why were you sleeping in a hallway of all places?"

"Got turned around." I explained. "Was having hallucinations." At Ricken's look, I explained. "Sounds of battle mostly. I'm fine now; with any luck, Naga's taken care of it. Unless of course that was just a dream born of wishful thinking, which would suck…" I lapsed into silence. I probably didn't sound very okay, judging from Ricken's expression.

"Are you going to be okay to train?" He asked doubtfully.

I huffed. "I said I was fine, didn't I? Besides, even if the dream wasn't real, the hallucinations should stay away for the time being since I got some nice sleep. But I'm thinking the dream was real, since nothing short of divine intervention would allow me to have good dreams at the moment." It was less of an exaggeration than it sounded like, considering I likely had actually met the dragon goddess.

"If you say so…" The young wind mage didn't look convinced, but I had said my piece. If he wasn't convinced then nothing I could say would make any difference.

"So which way is the training yard?"

* * *

 

Once in the training yard, Sully started me out with some stretching. I spent about ten minutes getting chastised for my bad flexibility, but I didn't take it personally. I was in a better headspace now; Naga told me the Shepherds cared about me, and I believed her. When it came to fitness coaching, more often than not it came with some criticism.

Next she had me running laps with Gaius. He was, unsurprisingly, much faster than me, though he looked pretty tired already. I didn't know how long it had been since they left the girls' room, but considering all I'd done since then it had probably been a while. He'd already had plenty of time to exhaust himself under Sully's training regimen.

At first it was just us three in the yard, but then Chrom came out and started beating up on a training dummy. Virion appeared and began taking shots at some targets I hadn't noticed, and Vaike eventually joined us running laps. One by one the Shepherds crowded into the training yard, until it was clear that no one had anything else to do besides train. It was like some kind of party.

Frederick and Sully teamed up, each taking half the Shepherds to coach in an impromptu fitness hour. I was unlucky enough to be in Frederick's group, and my gods, I felt like I was dying. After doing way too many squats and push-ups he pitted everyone against each other in pairs.

I was up against Chrom. Yeah. The guy who accidentally broke a hole in the castle walls large enough for Marth to sneak in through. I'd heard that that had happened during training, which meant that Chrom probably didn't pull his blows very much. I was reminded of my friends back home, specifically my boyfriend. Aaron didn't pull his blows when we all sparred either. There was no blocking his swings; it was dodge or die, basically. I'd heard that he'd actually drawn blood sparring before, which was amazing since we used nerf swords. No sharp edge on those, which meant that was all blunt force.

I missed him.

It was an odd feeling, to miss someone. I can normally go a long time without missing people; I generally miss places instead. But I supposed that being in a new place with no one else from home was the exception. It was like my trip to australia all over again, except this time I was going to be gone a lot longer than ten days. Naga said that Grima had barred access to my world, so I had little hope of going home when the outrealms opened up.

Gods, did that mean I was stuck here for the two year gap?

Chrom's battle cry snapped me out of my thoughts (apparently he got tired of waiting for me to make the first move) and it was dodge or die, just as I'd predicted. I barely managed to dive to the side, but that left me on the ground where it was hard to attack or dodge. He made to stab at me, likely going to stop just short of actually hitting me since we were training, but I wasn't taking any chances. I rolled out of the way, intending to use the momentum to get back to my feet, but I only managed a crouch before the flat of the prince's practice sword bowled me over again.

"Nice, but you need to be faster." He instructed. I realized this was more about training for me than practice for him, considering our vast difference in skill levels. Determined to make myself a challenge for him, I twisted myself back to my feet, using the rotation to do a whirling-strike like I had practiced before we went to Ferox. He blocked it, but I could tell he was surprised at the move.

Back and forth we went, with me dodging as much as I could while trying to get past his guard. He was faster than Aaron was, as the practice swords were easier to wield than the nerf swords, making it that much harder to prove my worth. He was able to block and parry everything, and he was probably going easy on me.

Giving up on being able to hit his chest, I started going after his arms. Maybe with enough battering he'd slow down and I could get a hit in.

I dodged back again, dancing around other Shepherds as I desperately tried to stay out of reach. But I didn't have eyes in the back of my head, and I eventually ran into someone.

Reacting quickly, I exclaimed, "Switch!" and skirted around the person I'd run into, Robin, of _course,_ to face his opponent while he got to deal with Chrom. This was another tactic Aaron and I used, as we normally teamed up when fighting despite it being a free-for-all. As long as it wasn't Frederick, I probably had better odds against a different opponent. I felt like I was at a dance in a movie, casually switching dance partners.

My new sparring partner was Stahl, and I couldn't help but sigh in relief. Not that Stahl wasn't a good fighter, but being perfectly average was much better for me than trying to fight one of the powerhouses of the game. Not that it was a game anymore, but it was the only frame of reference that I had.

I was definitely slowing down now, having been out here training longer than everyone save Sully and Gaius, and not having very much stamina to start with. Stahl knocked me back without much effort, and I was too tired to get up.

"You alright?" Stahl looked down at me with worry when I stayed down.

"I'm fine," I said between breaths, "just tired."

"It's fine if you need to rest, but you should probably get off the ground so you don't get stepped on." He held a hand down for me to grab.

I grabbed it and he pulled me up. I wearily made my way over to a wall and sat down, taking out my waterskin. I was finally getting a drink when Sully's voice almost made me choke.

"DID I SAY YOU COULD REST, MAGGOT?"

I looked up, eyes wide and fearful. Sully's stern face dropped and she chuckled. "I'm joking. You've been working hard; go ahead and take a break."

I sighed in relief and leaned back against the wall. She'd had me going. I'd thought I was in HUGE trouble.

"Hey!" Gaius looked betrayed. "How come you never let me have a break?!"

Sully was about to make a witty retort, but a messenger entered the training yard. "I have bad news!" He declared. "Exalt Emmeryn and the Fire Emblem have been captured!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Aaron and I played Super Smash Brothers in high school (we were part of the smash club, in fact we were in charge of it in senior year) we would team up despite it being a free-for-all. We worked really well together, with me as Robin doing ranged attacks and him as Ike or Cloud doing melee attacks. When our opponents got too tough, we'd yell, "Switch!" and switch opponents. We learned that from SAO, actually. Yeah, we're those nerds.
> 
> But see what I mean by the cop-out of the century? It was necessary though, and I've been planning it from the beginning. Sorry?
> 
> Oh, and don't be confused; not having my medicine is not life-threatening. But trying to fight without it? Becoming depressed to the point of being suicidal? That is.
> 
> Last thing, so in the picture you might have noticed the scar on Merra's neck. It's not from the story—that's one that I've actually got from real life. Long story short, it's just a bad cat scratch. I actually kind of love it though because it looks dramatic enough that I can tell people I've been held at knife's-edge in a hostage situation. XD


	19. Wind in the Desert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mages discover the secret art of flight—no, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry it's been so long since I last posted a chapter or three. I haven't actually opened my computer since last time I updated, can you believe it?
> 
> Sadly, I _just_ missed the story's three-year anniversary since I started posting on ffn. But I'm up to chapter 30 on there now! hopefully I'll get this one caught up before I hit 31, 'cause it would be nice to have even groups of three until we're caught up. 
> 
> Last thing: in the original author's note I gushed about Morgan because I dreamt I was their parent. It was actually a super depressing dream! Not because of Morgan, of course, I love them way too much for that. No, it was because of the ending. The end of the dream was SO DEPRESSING, DEAR GOD. Like, I woke up and cried. 
> 
> So, uh, let's hope things go a bit better in the story, huh?

Everyone stopped what they were doing at the declaration. Not only had Emmeryn been captured despite my intervention, but now Gangrel had the Fire Emblem? Could I fix nothing? No, could I only make things worse?

But how could Emmeryn have been captured? It wasn't because "time favors its original course" or any of that nonsense, because clearly Marth was able to change the timeline without things reverting. What factor was I forgetting?

The priest. Oh my gods, how had I not seen it sooner? The priest that I hadn't remembered being there! I'd figured I couldn't remember him because he'd died at Breakneck Pass, which I'd made everyone avoid, but I'd thought that saving him would be a good thing. All life is precious, right?

But now it was starting to come back to me. The priest had been the reason the Shepherds were supposed to get caught at the pass in the first place! He had leaked the route the Shepherds were taking to the Eastern Palace, thus allowing them to get caught halfway there. It wasn't a stretch to think that he leaked the location of the Eastern Palace as well. Emmeryn was as good as caught as soon as we left.

Not only had avoiding Breakneck Pass gotten Cordelia killed because she couldn't find us, but it had resulted in the capture of the Fire Emblem. With Emmeryn deemed safe at the Palace, she had not seen fit to give it to Chrom upon parting ways, so that meant she still had it when she got captured. That wasn't supposed to happen.

I had utterly failed the Shepherds.

But as much as I wanted to wallow in self-pity, I was also really tired of that particular concoction of emotions. It wasn't constructive. The best thing I could be doing right now was using my fading knowledge to try to plan a way to rescue Emmeryn.

On that note, hopefully Gangrel would try to publicly execute her the same way he had in the game. It was the only way I'd be able to help come up with a plan.

As for the Fire Emblem, I could only hope he had it nearby when we fought him. We could recover it when we killed him. If he hid it away, say, in a secret passage in the castle, well, what were the chances that Robin would remember where all the good hiding places were? Unlikely at best.

"But—she was supposed to be safe at the Eastern Palace! Merra said!" Lissa looked distraught.

Guilt reared its ugly head at breaking Lissa's trust in me. So much for Chrom saying 'Merra's always right.' In my defense, that's a lot to put on someone's shoulders. Still, I had to admit I had been wrong.

"I made an error." I guiltily admitted. "There was a traitor who gave away Emmeryn's position. The priest that we were escorting? He was the reason we would have had to battle at Breakneck Pass. But even though we avoided that battle, he'd probably already leaked the location of the Eastern Palace. I'm so sorry I didn't realize until now! I wasn't able to stop Emmeryn from getting captured after all…"

Chrom ignored me, instead towering over the messenger. "Do you know where she is?"

"K-King Gangrel's planning on publicly executing her!"

Oh thank Gods.

" _WHERE?_ " Chrom demanded.

"The-the Plegian castle courtyard, Milord!" The poor messenger was shaking in his boots.

"Uh, Chrom? Isn't there a saying that goes 'don't kill the messenger?'" Robin hesitantly asked.

"Right." Chrom took a deep, calming breath, then released it. "I apologize for my behavior," he dipped his head to the messenger before standing up to his full height. He then turned to the rest of us. "Gather your things. We're marching for Plegia in thirty minutes!"

Frederick looked concerned at this turn of events. "Milord, forgive me, but this is probably a trap. Surely there's another way to go about—"

"This is Emm we're talking about, Frederick," Chrom interrupted, "not only is she the exalt, but she is my sister. I am not going to stand by and let her die!"

Robin looked conflicted, evidently agreeing with Frederick but ultimately unwilling to go against Chrom's wishes. I stayed silent. I saw no point to standing by. Even though the rescue mission canonically fails, I bet I could change that. I hoped so, anyway. It was time to start planning.

Guess that bath was going to have to wait.

* * *

 

"Gah, if only we had flying units that weren't weak to arrows…" I was brainstorming as we marched towards the plegian border, muttering to myself so the thoughts wouldn't fly away with the breeze. So far, I wasn't having much luck.

_The breeze…_ A particularly harsh wind blew past from behind, followed by a, "sorry!" I looked back to see Ricken trying out one of his new elwind tomes, and was having about as much luck with it as I was with my brainstorming. The force of the wind magic had thrown him backwards off his feet. That was some kick!

Wait a second…was it really that simple? That obvious?

"Hey Ricken, could you try something for me? I'd do it myself, but I don't know how to use magic."

The young mage got to his feet. He looked confused, but eager to help. Something he could do that someone older than him couldn't? I'm sure it sounded appealing as a way to prove himself.

"Sure, what do you need?"

"Just try aiming your elwind at the ground. And lock your arm. I want to see what happens."

I could see the gears turning in his head before he got it, grinning from ear to ear. "I like the way you think."

The nearby shepherds, at this point, knew something was up, giving us some room to work with.

It wasn't enough.

Tome in one hand and green magic pooling in the other, Ricken animatedly threw the wind spell towards the ground. With a surprised yelp he was sent careening through the air, slamming into Miriel and sending them both sprawling.

"Acceptable velocity and altitude, but your trajectory could use improvement," she commented, fixing her glasses once the two were untangled.

I barked out a shocked laugh. That was so much more powerful than I could have hoped, and Miriel didn't even seem phased! She must be hardier than I gave her credit for.

This…could work.

* * *

 

"What's going on?" Our shenanigans had caught the attention of the front of the party. Robin looked curious, Chrom impatient, and Frederick was scowling as usual.

"I think I have an idea for saving Emmeryn."

Chrom's impatience was forgotten at my bold declaration. "Really? That's great!"

"Does it have something to do with what just happened?" Robin was interested too.

I nodded. "You could say he was my test subject. I wish I could help beyond just providing the idea, but we don't exactly have time for me to learn how to use magic, as that would probably require learning to read and harnessing energy I've never used before…" I was getting off track. "Anyway, it would require some precision and Ricken's new elwind tomes. Is that okay with you Ricken?" I turned to the young mage, who I really needed to stop calling that because he wasn't much younger than me.

"Yeah, I don't mind sharing if it could save the exalt. But could we get a healer? I think I twisted something." He was definitely favoring one foot over the other, with Miriel watching him closely, either to take notes on or to make sure he wouldn't fall over. Ouch. I hadn't really factored in inexperience leading to bad landings. We would need to find a way to practice before getting to the courtyard. We should gain four more able-bodied fighters by the time we got there, though, so if someone were to be injured they could just sit out the fight.

Lissa ran over from where the other shepherds had given us room. "I got it!" She got right to work, and Ricken was healed in no time.

There was a clinking noise, and I saw a crack fracture the crystal in the heal staff. Lissa looked up at it and sighed. "Well, it was about time to upgrade to a mend staff anyway I guess." She walked over to the convoy to retrieve a new staff. Ricken followed to retrieve his other elwind tomes.

Robin approached as everyone began marching again now that the scene was over. "So what exactly does this plan of your entail? We should make you tactician at this rate."

I almost tripped in my embarrassment. "Oh no, I know nothing about real tactics. I just have some ideas for the events that I know about, not that they all work. We all saw what happened to Cordelia because of my intervention, and Gangrel should have never gotten his hands on the Fire Emblem." I didn't continue. He got the picture.

"You're not still beating yourself up over that, are you?" He looked at me. I deadpanned back. "Alright, we can talk about that later. How are we going to save Emmeryn?"

"Here's the thing: she's going to fall from a very, very high cliff." I jumped right in. "Gangrel has archers stationed at the bottom to pick off any pegasus riders that try to rescue her, which is how Phila and all her pegasus knights die. Despite knowing this, I don't know if we're going to be able to stop her from trying anyway. The Shepherds will be too far away to cut down the archers in time, but maybe if we can send anyone who can use a wind tome up in the air to catch Emmeryn, they can catch her and use wind tomes to slow down enough to land safely. This is all banking on shock factor and being smaller targets, and the hope that we can indeed get to Emmeryn in time with the precision required to catch her. It's a long shot, but it's the best idea I have."

Robin listened with rapt attention, going deep into thought when I was done. "It's going to be tough," he went into full analysis mode, "We'll have to learn quickly, master this new skill while still leaving enough pages in each tome to perform the rescue.

"It's also risky; while it's true that pegasus riders are particularly weak to arrows, that's mainly because they wear very light armor to make it easier to stay in the air. Unfortunately, mages don't wear much armor either, so there's no guarantee that they'll be any more likely to survive. They do have the advantage of being smaller targets, like you said, and not having a horse fall on them when they hit the ground should they get shot out of the sky.

"But who's to say that they won't be overwhelmed once they reach the ground? I'm assuming you mean to send Ricken and Miriel, but they're both ranged, requiring a close-ranged fighter to protect them. How are they going to protect Emmeryn from the front line?"

"Well…that's where you come in. Do you think you can cover all three of them after landing? I was hoping you would agree to use the elwind, too, as the more targets there are the less organized the archers should be." I didn't feel comfortable ordering him around, as he was the experienced tactician, not me, but it seemed necessary. For Emmeryn.

Robin thought it over. "I'll need to leave instructions with each of the Shepherds, and have Virion take over, loath am I to leave him in charge if his sacrificing chess tactics are anything like his real ones. We'll also need a healer in case someone gets shot or lands wrong, and another fast close-range unit to help defend. Panne perhaps?" He started walking away, already lost to his planning. Heh, bye.

* * *

 

We had reached the desert now, and boy was I missing Ferox. It was _hot._  not only that, but there was sand everywhere, in all the places sand shouldn't be. If I took my jacket off I'd get burned by the sun, wind, and sand, but if I left it on it felt like I was being roasted. Wanting to protect the burn scars on my back from the sand however, I decided it was better to feel roasted than having raw skin from yet more burns.

As soon as we reached sandy ground we quickly discovered that we'd have to slow down drastically. Riders had to dismount for fear of working their horses too hard on unsure footing, which was sure to lead to injury. I didn't know much about horses, but even I knew that. Movement in general was slower, even more so than when we had to slog through deep snow. The dry air sapped our energy, making it hard to keep a good pace even if we were on solid ground.

The only ones not affected by this were the mages, as they were inventing new ways to use their various wind tomes. Aside from the progressively higher jumps they were learning to make with elwind, Robin in particular found a way to use the plain wind tomes as horizontal transportation, hovering just off the ground and able to travel at relatively high speed. Miriel and Ricken were working to master this as well in the hopes of a faster way to get to Emmeryn.

I wasn't jealous. No sir. I could fly as much as I wanted in my dreams; I didn't need to fly in real life where there was a chance of injury.

That's what I told myself anyway. Truth be told, I'd give my _hat_  to be able to do that. If I managed to survive this war I was definitely going to look into learning magic.

Robin _whooshed_  past, laughing, as disturbed sand flew back in his wake. I spat out some that had gotten in my mouth. Oh, that was _so_  not fair. He didn't even look like he minded the heat! But I let him have his fun. It was probably just a way to distract himself from the anxiety over the oncoming fight. The exalt was on the line, and we were fighting a battle that was destined to fail. Truth be told, I was pretty anxious too. But I had already done my part; the rest I'd have to leave up to the mages.

I took another swig of water from my waterskin as the tactician disappeared over a sand dune. I was trying to be frugal, but it wouldn't be smart to try to fight while dehydrated. That, and not having enough water seemed to be a weakness of mine, weird as it was. My mouth and throat dry out when I expend too much energy and it feels like I'm going to throw up. Thus, I always make sure to keep water with me.

This, of course, was much easier in Ferox, where you could just eat some snow once you either ran out of water or your waterskin froze.

Then there was the fact that in Ferox I got to share the coat with Robin…

Aaaaaand time to think about something else.

"Chrom! We have a problem!" Robin came zooming back over the dune, dark magic hitting the sand behind him. Well then.

"It was only a matter of time, I suppose." Chrom sighed. "How many?" He shouted to Robin, trying to gauge how much trouble we had gotten ourselves into.

Robin came to a halt, his feet skidding along the ground in his haste. "Twenty or thirty, but there are villages nearby that could be in danger, as well as a small girl." Ah. Was this when we'd meet Gregor and Nowi? They'd certainly be useful in Emmeryn's rescue. Did Nowi's dragon form count as a flying unit? She would be a larger target though. Better not chance it.

"Alright. I need our fastest people to go warn the villages to shut their doors, then defend the girl until the rest of us catch up. You can take it from there," Chrom commanded. He may not have been a tactician, but he was in charge and had been giving orders long before he found Robin.

"Panne!" Robin called out. "How fast can your beast form run in this sand?" It was a good a time to find out as any.

The taguel immediately transformed, glowing red eyes easy to see even in the harsh sunlight. "Sand does not slow me," she hissed, her voice like a demon's.

"Good to hear," Robin replied, unfazed. "I also need Sumia, Miriel and Ricken to come with me. The rest of you follow Chrom!" With that, he and the named Shepherds raced back over the dune. Chrom charged after, with the rest of us close behind.

Gods I hated running.

We made it over the dune just in time to see Nowi turn into an awesome leafy dragon and wreak havoc on some grimleal. Now _that_  was some power.

"Stay back! Go away!" She demanded, her voice only slightly less demonic than Panne's.

Dark magic exploded next to me, taking my attention away from the manakete and towards my new opponents. I'd worry about everyone else later. Right now? It was time to stay alive.

"You missed!" I taunted the mage. Huh, taunting? That was new for me. What a waste of breath. Sure, an angry foe was a distracted one, but that wasn't true of all fighters. What was I doing?

If I remembered right, dark magic was fairly powerful but had pretty shitty accuracy. So I should be okay as long as I stayed on my toes.

Another ball of dark magic was sent my way and I ducked to the side before unsheathing Hack and rushing in to take the offensive. Now the dark mage was the one dodging, but not very well. I was faster. Unfortunately I was also in close, and unlike archers that did not render a mage useless.

I thought that if I attacked enough the mage wouldn't have time to retaliate.

A point-blank shadow ball to the stomach told me otherwise.

I fell back, winded, but determined not to fall out of the fight. As I was desperately gasping to get my breath back the dark mage prepared another spell, golden circles forming around his outstretched hand.

Still on the ground struggling for breath, I swung hack at the closest thing I could reach: his ankles. Look, I was tired of losing. Forgive me for playing a little dirty.

There was a sickening resistance as my blade hit bone and the mage went down, the golden circles disappearing as he went.

"Hey, I think I'm learning!" I celebrated, not noticing that, once again, I had made a post-battle quote.

The mage just groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been…a _long_ time since I last played Awakening. Or any main series Fire Emblem game, really. I found that the gameplay stresses me out too much. On top of that, I stopped reading Awakening fanfiction when I started writing this. It wasn't a conscious decision, but once I noticed I figured it was for the best so I wouldn't steal others' ideas or anything. On the other hand, I really miss Awakening TT~TT
> 
> Fire Emblem Heroes has been a goo substitute, as the smaller maps make for much less stressful gameplay. And Fire Emblem Warriors has been fantastic, oh my gosh! I love it so much. I finished the game soon after getting it, so all I have left is History Mode and getting all of Anna's Mementos. I'm a perfectionist, so that's going to take awhile. Oh, and have you seen the way Robin runs in that game?! He doesn't!! He just floats!! It's ridiculous so of course I had to use it.


	20. Determination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Battle, break, and Battle some more!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I forgot to have Flavia and Basilio join the party. I only said that they would lend Ylisse troops. Woops? Anyway, so I guess things are going to be different from canon. That's not necessarily a bad thing though. 
> 
> I had the most hilarious Awakening dream! Robin got stuck in a tomb and Chrom jumped in to go rescue him, only…he forgot to bring rope to get out with. So then they were both stuck. I laughed so hard I woke up! XD
> 
> I wrote this instead of doing homework.

Trying not to think about the fact that I had just crippled, if not killed a guy, I got up and moved on to my next opponent. This time I was up against a couple axe-wielders, who looked like they were trying to attack Maribelle but were having a hard time. Maybe Kellam was in the way? Regardless, I stepped in to help. With my brain chemistry finally as it should be, I was feeling pretty confident. I could take these guys. I had a knight and a healer backing me up, right?

Right?

Gosh I wished I could see Kellam. Was he even here?

Fighting two opponents at the same time was a pretty stupid idea, I'll admit. Perhaps my confidence had become foolhardy. Surely I wasn't getting cocky already?

Thinking, of course, was not the thing to be doing at the moment, and I paid for my lapse in attention with an axe to the side. Right. Two opponents. Flying through the air, I had just enough time to feel my heart leap into my throat at the sensation before I crashed into the sand. I didn't even have time for the pain to set in fully before I was already being healed.

"Thanks Maribelle!" I gasped. Adrenaline was great and all, but this was hard work! But it wasn't over yet, and as I'd already learned, now was not the time to dwell.

One of the axe-wielding grimleal came at me while the other turned his attention to Maribelle. Oh no dude, not today. Scrambling to my feet I immediately had to dodge the downward swing of the grimleal targeting me. I didn't have time to strike back though; no, I had to guard Maribelle. I wove back and forth in the hopes of avoiding any attacks as I rushed the man going after the fragile healer.

Unfortunately for him, he failed to notice me until it was too late. Poor guy had only just begun to turn around when I stabbed him in the back. With a cry, he went down. I pulled out Hack as he fell. The resistance of a body on my blade was… _disconcerting,_ but I pushed my discomfort to the back of my mind. This was life now, and, well, it was nothing I hadn't done before at this point.

I turned my attention to the remaining grimleal, who looked like he had just tripped over nothing. Ha! Guess Kellam was helping me out after all. The nigh-unnoticeable knight dispatched the grimleal fighter with relative ease once he was off-balance.

I teamed up with Kellam and Maribelle for the remainder of the fight, providing cover while we traveled around the battlefield to heal people. I was glad I wasn't the only one getting injured all the time. Not that I wished harm upon any of the Shepherds, but knowing that I wasn't the only one making mistakes made me feel slightly more competent.

By the end of the battle I was so sweaty that I was worried I was going to drop Hack. Sheathing the short sword, I exhaustedly dropped onto the sand while waiting for the others to finish up the post-battle dialog. Were we really going to have to march again after this?

I wanted nothing more than to take off my jacket and air out, but was too scared of the sun, sand, and wind burns I would get as a result. Laying down in the sand wasn't really helping with the sand burns, but where else was there to go?

Although, come to think of it, I didn't remember any maps that were JUST sand. That meant there had to be other terrain, right? An oasis was too much to hope for (though I vaguely remembered one of the maps around here), but maybe there was some solid ground?

Ugh, too much thinking. Too tired to think. Or move.

Gods, it was hot out here.

I let my mind drift with the wavering air, meandering from one idea to another without any solid thoughts. It was hot enough to not need a blanket to sleep. Sleep sounded like an awful good idea…after I caught my breath. I worked to get my breathing under control after all the physical activity I had just done.

Someone sat down beside me. "Yo, Sleepy, you doing alright?" It was Gaius.

'Sleepy?' Not the most flattering nickname, but I guess I'd take it. It was better than Stumbles. "Tired," I answered between breaths. "Hot." I made no attempt to move or elaborate. We were all tired and hot. It was nothing new.

"Do you need any water?" He sounded unsure.

I painfully pulled out my waterskin and held it up in response. "Got some." I let my arm flop back onto the sand.

"Uh-huh." He watched me doubtfully as I made no move to actually drink any. "Are you going to drink it?"

I groaned. I didn't want to move, but I _was_ thirsty, and it sounded like he wasn't going to stop pestering me until I did. Reluctantly, I pushed myself into a slouch.

"That's more like it," he smirked. I glared. How did he have so much energy in this heat? Wasn't he suffering too? I was from Texas; if _I_ was suffering, you knew it was bad.

I took a long drink from my waterskin, frugality forgotten. I had probably already dehydrated myself sweating during the battle anyway. I noticed Gaius eyeing the skin and something occurred to me. "Don't you have some?"

Gaius scoffed. "I'm a thief. Gotta pack light if I want to sneak around unheard or move quickly."

Right. And how many bags of candy did he have on him? That had to be at least the weight of a waterskin. "So that's a no?" Just to make sure we were clear.

"That's a no," he confirmed. 

I rolled my eyes and sighed. So that's why he was here; he wanted to bum some water off of me. But I was too nice to say no, and he was one of my favorite characters when this was all just a game. Wordlessly, I held the waterskin out for him.

He froze for a second before shrugging, as if this wasn't his plan all along. "Can't say no to that."

I observed the area while he undoubtedly emptied my water supply. I didn't blame him; if I hadn't had a drink since entering the desert I'd probably drink three skins in one go! I wondered if Frederick had gotten another one yet. It had been nice of him to give his to me when he still didn't trust me.

The sound of someone's shoes shuffling the sand drew me out of my thoughts. "Get up; we're marching." Sully held out a hand to help me up, which I gladly took. I had to blink the spots out of my vision from standing up too fast and I was already horrendously sore, but as long as the pace wasn't too fast I supposed I was okay to continue the march.

Gaius was already up by the time I could see clearly. He held out my waterskin. "Thanks. I'll repay you somehow."

I took the skin, noting that it wasn't as light as I had expected. Had he not finished it off? That was nice. "Don't worry about paying me back. I don't like counting favors." More like I didn't have the memory capacity, but he didn't need to know that.

"Come on, you two idiots. We don't have all day." Sully was right, of course, so we got moving.

* * *

 

The Shepherds had been tired before the fight, but now everyone was practically dragging their feet. Everyone but Chrom, who was determinedly leading the party ever onward to rescue Emmeryn, and Nowi, who was as energetic as a child. There was no more laughter from the mages (or the Shepherds spectating) as they flew with their tomes, for they had quit practicing to conserve tome pages. We could only hope they were competent enough at the new skill to pull off the rescue.

Nowi was invaluable to raise everyone's spirits, jabbering constantly and playing games.

She was also very annoying when you were tired.

I was _just_ close enough to the head of the party to hear Robin tell Chrom that the Shepherds needed a break. "We won't be any use to Emmeryn if we're too tired to fight," he reasoned.

"We won't be any use to her late, either," Chrom snapped back.

Oh, that wouldn't do. I was _tired,_ dammit. "Chrom!" I caught the prince's attention. "Sorry to butt in, but studies have shown that even a thirty minute break increases productivity by a marginal percentage, much more so than working without pause." I wanted to tack on that where I was from it was illegal to work your employees too many hours without breaks, but it wasn't my place, and that would probably be laying it on a little thick. Chrom was a little thick-headed at times, but he wasn't cruel. He wouldn't need too much convincing to let us rest.

Chrom looked back at the rest of the Shepherds, looking conflicted. His sister was in danger, but Robin was right; against Gangrel's army, they needed to have enough energy to fight if they wanted to rescue Emmeryn. As it was, the whole army (minus Nowi) looked about ready to collapse.

He sighed. "Alright everyone, take a break! We'll continue marching in thirty minutes."

Relieved, I sat down on the spot. We had been marching for a day now and I was beat. I had taken every opportunity to sleep on our breaks to keep my energy up, along with eating big meals despite not being hungry, but you could only do so much not to be tired when you're as out of shape as I was. I didn't think I'd be so hungry or sleepy with Naga's blessing replacing my medicine (which used to keep me awake and devoid of hunger), but either her blessing didn't come with side effects or I was simply using too much energy for them to apply.

This break was no different from the others. I quickly wolfed down my meal and went to sleep. It was a shame to miss this opportunity to get more familiar with everyone, but I had to keep myself healthy. Chrom was so desperate to get to Emmeryn on time that we had not stopped for more than an hour at a time. That meant we never set up camp to sleep. I had gotten by on five hours of sleep a night in high school, but this was a matter of life and death. If I wasn't well-rested, people could die, be it me or someone else. Well, people would die regardless, but hopefully they were my enemies.

* * *

 

"Wake up sleepyhead, or I'll put a frog on your face!" It was Lissa who woke me up this time.

"You're bluffing," I determined. There was no way she'd find any out here.

Impatient, Lissa gave up on using just words and starting pulling on my arm. "Come _on_ Merra, we have to save Emm!"

_That_ got me up. Right. Rescuing Emmeryn. That's a thing.

Suddenly a fearful shout rang through the air, startling awake all the Shepherds who had been sleeping nearby. (Apparently I had started a trend.) Was that Robin? It had to be; I'd played more than enough Smash to recognize his cries.

I managed to get my feet under me and staggered through the spots blinding my vision from the quick movement. I knew Robin had been having nightmares, he'd told me, but I didn't remember him making a scene about it until after the first war. Something else could be wrong, thus why I was making such an effort to get to him without waiting to be able to see first.

My vision cleared right before I would have tripped over him; he was sitting surprisingly close to where I'd been sleeping. "Robin?" I tried to get his attention, but he seemed to be lost in his head. "Robin, are you alright?" I put a hand on his shoulder, finally snapping him out of his trance.

He squinted up at me. "Merra?" He then realized I'd asked him a question. "I'm fine, I think. Must have been a nightmare."

'Must have been?' He was lucky, then, if he couldn't remember whatever had made him cry out like that. Perhaps he didn't think so, though. He was probably tired of not remembering things.

I decided to change the subject to the matter at hand, since I didn't really know how to respond to that. Dang lacking social skills. "It's time to continue the march. You woke up right on time!" I grinned in an effort to lift his spirits (and make up for my lackluster conversation).

"Guess so," he smiled back.

I felt my face get warm and decided it was time to go before I made a fool of myself. Muttering something about needing to get my bag I retreated, much to the tactician's confusion.

"Did I do something?" Robin asked no one in particular.

Lissa, the closest person, just laughed and left him to figure it out himself.

* * *

 

The scene was set: Emmeryn was at the top of an excessively high cliff, plegian soldiers were littering the area in and around the castle courtyard, archers were just plain everywhere and Gangrel was boasting about how grand this all was. I thought I could make out the war monk whose name I had forgotten just past the castle, surrounded by enemies. We would have to make sure to get to him before he got killed. The more healers, the better. Tharja, on the other hand, I was less enthusiastic about, but I couldn't see her from our position. Maybe (hopefully) she wasn't here? Unless she was just around the other side of the castle…

Unfortunately, all our fastest units would either be at a disadvantage or already had orders, so we would be a little slow getting to the war monk. Even worse, we'd somehow have to convince Chrom to go after him instead of Emmeryn if we wanted them both to live, as only the prince could recruit new Shepherds. Worse still, I had to do this within the next ten seconds or so because the battle was about to start.

Gangrel had just given the order to kill Emmeryn.

"NOW!" Chrom roared, and my window of opportunity closed. Sorry, war-monk-whose-name-I-can't-remember. Try not to die; we'll get there eventually.

The executioner lifted his weapon for the killing blow, but it would never strike; an axe, signaled by Chrom's order, had just flown out of left field and cut the man down.

Gods, who in Naga's—heck, who in _Grima's_ —name could throw like that? I refused. I refused to believe that person did not have superpowers. How could someone possibly throw something that high, that hard, with that accuracy?! Whoever it was, I was glad they were on our side.

With Emmeryn's executioner dead, we had a little more time to get to her. She wasn't just going to jump for no reason; she still had to give her speech.

"Come on, Merra, daydream later!" Sully gave me a push as she passed, jolting me into action. Battle cries sounded, and adrenaline started pumping. My head filled with battle music tracks, small-fry and bosses alike, and, somehow, at the same time, silence. The simultaneous cacophony and calm should have been distracting, but it was instead invigorating. My anxiety dulled; it was still there, fueling me, but not holding me back.

This battle was important.

It didn't matter if I thought I could do this; whether I could or couldn't, I would give it my all. If I went down…actually, according to Naga that wasn't an option. I almost tripped over my feet at the realization. The resulting confidence drop was devastating. Remembering that there would be consequences if I messed up, not just for me, but for everybody, was almost like a physical blow. I would have to be careful, which felt cowardly. What kind of soldier values their own life over the mission?

I knew the Shepherds would eventually move on if Emmeryn died, as that was the way it was supposed to be, but apparently my death could result in a game over. Did that mean I shouldn't fight?

No, that would be worse than dying. If not for the Shepherds, then for me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I sat back and did nothing. If I just let them go through all that pain. I'd probably spiral back into depression. I may have Naga's blessing now, but medicine, and by extension, the blessing, wasn't the be-all, end-all fix to my mental disabilities. There was no such thing. It just made me about as stable as a normal person, and even someone without depression can develop it in the right (or wrong, depending on your perspective) situation.

I wasn't just fighting for Emmeryn; I was fighting for me.

This epiphany gave me new conviction—I would give it my all, but I wouldn't be reckless, like I perhaps would have been without this realization. I would fight my hardest. I would dodge everything. I would power my blows with force and control. And if I truly wanted to be safe, I could defend a healer.

It was only logical, then, that I be the one to go after the war monk. This wasn't a game anymore; recruiting someone wasn't just a mechanic that made them playable in this world. To recruit someone officially you needed Chrom, sure. But to ask for help in a fight? Anyone could do that.

I peeled off from the other Shepherds who were fighting their way to the courtyard. I would get there in a minute. I had a healer to pick up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last third or so of the chapter just wrote itself, it was amazing. I don't remember that ever happening to me before. 
> 
> In the original author's note I gushed about kendo club, then subsequently quit kendo because I'm too out of shape for it. "So yeah, I'm not going back unless I work out or something. I'd rather stab myself in the foot again than go through that for another week. Guess I wasn't exaggerating in chapter two when I said we had to pretend I was 'strong enough to swing a dang sword.' Sigh."


	21. Pandemonium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let the battle for Emmeryn commence!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of the day! And boy, is it a doozy. I had been planning for this one since like chapter three. I can't say anything else without spoiling anything though. 
> 
> By the way, the person who threw the axe last chapter was supposed to be Flavia, but since I forgot to have her join the troops it was just some unmentioned, nameless feroxi soldier instead. Woops?

It was chaos as I rushed towards my goal. I didn't stop to fight, simply dodging whatever came my way and continuing on my course. Once I reached the war monk, I would have some backup to stand and fight. I hoped that was enough, because I was ignoring an awful lot of plegians, and they were probably going to follow me.

"Merra! What are you doing?!" Sumia called after me. She, too, peeled off from the Shepherds fighting their way to the courtyard. With the archers stationed there, it's not as if she could go there anyway.

I glanced back in alarm, just remembering that I had passed an archer in my mad dash across the battlefield. Frack, Sumia! Watch where you're going! I skidded to a halt so fast I almost fell on my face. Plegian soldiers began closing in now that I wasn't charging full speed ahead. Not good.

"Sumia watch out!" I warned, trying to locate the archer. I heard her curse, apparently having seen the imminent danger. Finally finding my target, I turned and sprinted towards him, closing the distance before he could finish nocking his arrow. Thank you, adrenaline. I could never run without you.

I'd definitely be feeling this later.

Despite my speed, or perhaps because of it, I was in no way quiet and the archer had already noticed me by the time I took a swing at him. He held up his bow to block the incoming blow. I wish I could say that I cut right through it, but even with my newfound determination I was by no means strong.

I wished this were a dream. Not because I couldn't handle what was happening, but because I was a better fighter in my dreams as long as they weren't nightmares. I could just do a flip and cut this guy vertically in half. Sadly, I couldn't do flips in real life.

I blocked a blow from the archer's bow, almost dropping Hack from the force. Right. Dodge, Merra, don't block. You suck at blocking.

While the archer was preoccupied trying fend me off Sumia swooped down, skewering him on her lance.

"Nice!" I complimented.

Gosh, I got desensitized to the death of my enemies quick, didn't I?

"Need a lift?" Sumia offered. "It'll be faster than running on the sand."

"Easier too," I agreed. I took her offered hand and pulled myself onto the pegasus right as several weapons converged on where I'd been standing. There was a moment's pause where all I could think was "Oh," as I realized how close I had just gotten to dying. Maybe I had been a little reckless, charging ahead and ignoring so many enemies. Right after I said I'd be careful, too!

"Where to?" Sumia asked once we were out of the weapons' range.

"There," I replied, pointing towards the single monk surrounded by enemies. "He's a healer here to help rescue Emmeryn."

"All on his own?! Naga, he's worse than you!" Hey! I resented that remark.

There was no more time to chat, though, as, with a beat of wings, we had already reached the war monk. Sumia dropped me off before ascending out of range of the plegian soldiers' attacks to throw javelins at them.

"Name?" I enquired, tired of referring to him as "the war monk."

"Libra," he panted.

LIBRA! That's right! I can't believe I forgot! "Well Libra, I'm sorry, but I think I aggroed literally everyone on my way over here."

Libra gave me a funny look at the use of the unfamiliar word, but that's all we had time for before the battle was underway once again. The war monk was a monster with his killer axe (Funny how I could remember his weapon, but not his name.), cleaving through enemies left and right. Good lord, maybe I didn't need to worry so much about getting here quickly!

Right as I thought that he got hit with a spell from a dark mage. It had little effect, but it slowed him down. I intercepted the next blow that came from an enemy swordsman, giving Libra time to recover. He, in turn, chopped a lance in half that had been coming my way. Sumia alternated between throwing javelins when she had a clear shot, and swooping down to attack when she didn't. Heck, at one point she flat-out trampled two soldiers at once! We continued on in this way, working together to take down the numerous enemies I had attracted in my sprint over here.

The fight felt endless, and I was tiring. All my naps did not equate to a good night's sleep, and being in the desert so long without proper rest was devastating. It was amazing I had done as much as I had. Regardless, I pushed on. My weakness was irrelevant. I just had to keep telling myself that and hopefully I'd be okay.

The swordsman I was currently engaged with blocked my next slash, parrying it with such torque that the blade was forced out if my hand. My eyes widened in alarm, and I only had the next instant to jump out of the way of the next attack. I dove towards Hack in a move I hadn't pulled off since my goalie days, grabbing the sword and swinging it in front of me the second I had. And it was a good thing, too—the blade had just barely managed to block the swordman's next strike.

"I got 'im!" Sumia announced, swooping down and taking him out.

"Thanks!" Was all I had time to gasp out, already dodging the next attack, waiting for an opportunity to strike back.

I lost count of how many people came after us. I also lost count of how many people I killed. I didn't want to keep track, but it seemed like an important number to know. Disrespectful to forget.

Finally, we ran out of enemies. The three of us worked to catch our breath, trying to recover a bit before we headed to the courtyard with the others. I glanced around at the bodies practically piled around us.

Oh.

No.

Among the bodies was the assassin who had fled from the castle way back when we recruited Gaius. I felt my stomach flip when I suddenly recalled an enemy this battle who had hesitated. I had used that hesitation to cut him down.

I had wanted to thank him for his mercy back then. Try to recruit him maybe. Instead, I had killed him.

I felt cold.

I knew I was killing people. I knew I was bringing their lives to an end. It was part of war, a necessary evil. But, aside from Cordelia, who had been unintentional and indirect, the people I had been killing were my enemies. They would have killed me or those I cared about. But this assassin? Even now, he had hesitated when engaging me. I had talked to him. I had seen the fear in his eyes. He couldn't be any older than me. And I had killed him.

Libra put a hand on my shoulder, startling me. "The burdens of war are never easy to bear." His eyes were sad as he gazed at the results of our battle. "But remember, we all have a reason to fight."

Right. I looked to where the rest of the Shepherds were making their way to the courtyard, then at Emmeryn perched on the high cliff. I owed it to them for taking me in to help them. Where had my conviction gone? There was a lot riding on this battle, like there always was. I could deal with emotional crap later.

I turned my back on the fallen. I had to move forward.

What would be different, now that Gangrel already had the fire emblem? Would Emmeryn even make her speech, if she didn't have to sacrifice herself for the relic? Ooooh my gods, but the speech was what made the war easier to win! And since Gangrel had the emblem, would we even be returning to Ylisse? Or would we go straight after the Mad King? I couldn't imagine having to finish the war without resting in between. I had messed everything up, hadn't I?

My thoughts were bordering on hysterical, so I reigned in my emotions once again. Whatever happened, standing here would accomplish nothing. I turned my attention from my thoughts back to the rest of the world.

"What next?" Sumia was asking.

"Why are you asking me? I'm no tactician." Didn't she remember I was new at this?

"You're the one who ran over here. Don't you have a plan?"

Ha, no. "It made sense at the time," I shrugged. Sumia was still looking at me expectantly, so I glanced around to see where we were needed. The Shepherds hadn't scattered much this time, all headed for one singular goal: Emmeryn. By this time the mages, Panne and Lissa were already in the courtyard while Chrom and the others were caught up at the entrance. The rest of the battlefield was empty as all the plegians and grimleal were clustered around Chrom's party. Really, there was only one place to go.

"We need to clear the way to the courtyard," I decided. The sooner we could support our rescue team, the better.

"Sounds good!" Sumia took flight, leaving Libra and I to follow on foot.

When we got there it was chaos, even more so than the fight we had just finished. Magic, arrows, even axes were flying every which way. I even saw a few kicks and punches thrown. It was all I could do to dodge everything, let alone attack. I wasn't the only one having trouble; It was so chaotic that friendly fire was a problem. Maribelle was working overtime to keep everyone in fighting condition. Libra got right to work healing as soon as he arrived, getting a relieved smile from the troubadour in response.

I slipped between fighters through the fray, honestly a bit overwhelmed. If I could just get out of the crowd I would fine. Then I could help. As it was, I was worried I was going to accidentally hit a Shepherd if I tried to attack, as I wasn't very accurate with my swings yet.

I somehow emerged from the cluster in one piece, discovering the rescue team in the courtyard. I had crossed the enemy line? Wasn't that a trickster ability? No matter. That might not even apply now that this wasn't a game.

Robin and the others were trying to reason with Gangrel, who was having none of it. Every once in a while a couple of soldiers fighting Chrom's group at the entrance would break off and attack Robin's, only to quickly and efficiently get taken down. They only seemed to provide a minor distraction to the rescue team. Had they already killed all the archers? Or were the archers still hidden? If the latter was true, why? Robin's group had reached the courtyard way earlier than anticipated with their new flying ability, changing everything I remembered about the chapter. It was extremely worrying. I could only hope it was a good change.

Deciding that they had the courtyard handled, I threw myself back into the fray at the entrance, making sure to stay on the edges so I wouldn't be surrounded again. I attacked with wild abandon; my muscles would no longer cooperate with any kind of precision, being far too tired for finesse. I pushed through it. If I couldn't attack with accuracy, then I would just attack everything. Being behind the enemy line, it's not as if any allies were in the way to hit.

I was going to crash soon. Already my body was screaming at me to stop this abuse. But I couldn't. Stopping wasn't an option. And so, with massive effort, I continued.

Gangrel, seeing that he was losing, lost his temper. "If you want something done right," he snarled, stalking up to Emmeryn, "DO IT YOURSELF!" With that, he violently pushed her off the precipice. No speech, no debate.

"NOW!" Robin ordered, and the mages let fly their wind spells at the ground, propelling themselves upward.

"I agree," stated Aversa. She used some kind of dark magic and suddenly risen appeared, all wielding bows. Oh. So that's why the courtyard was empty.

The line of plegians finally broke, freeing up the way for the Shepherds to rush into the courtyard. "The archers!" Chrom directed, "kill the archers!"

Everything happened at once as we flooded through the area. The risen archers, not being the brightest, split their attention between firing at the oncoming Shepherds and the rescue team. Perfect. That was their mistake.

I charged the nearest risen. The mages' lives were riding on our ability to clear the archers. We had to be fast.

I saw Vaike go down from some arrows to the chest and winced. Maribelle was there immediately, healing what damage she could right away while leaving the arrows for when she had more time.

It was a similar story with several Shepherds, but the more arrows we took the fewer were aimed at the mages. We were lucky our healers hadn't taken any yet. They had their hands full healing everyone else, let alone each other.

Panne was a machine, taking out every archer in the vicinity, leaping from archer to archer before they could even take aim. Virion marked each target for her before she'd take it out, giving her quick direction. Sully was guarding Gaius, who had gotten shot as soon as he entered the courtyard, until one of the healers got there. Nowi went down quickly, being too large and slow a target to avoid the arrows. Gregor had taken a hit as well, but was fighting through it anyway. Lissa had taken the reigns of Stahl's horse, as he, too had been taken out of the fight. Lon'qu cut arrow after arrow coming his way, but he could only block so many before he was overwhelmed. Sumia lingered outside the courtyard, not having a death wish. There was no way she'd survive so many archers. That left Frederick, Panne, Chrom, and me taking down the remainder of the risen archers.

Personally, I thought we were doing pretty well. This part of the fight was scripted for us to not even be able to fight, so though we were taking damage we were already doing better than we were supposed to.

I spared a glance up at the mages to see that Robin had actually managed to catch Emmeryn, so far so good.

I turned my attention back to the fight at hand, crashing into the next risen archer. Risen were scary, but at this range, archers were not. I was shoved to the ground as the risen attempted to free itself so it could shoot either me or the mages, but I wouldn't let it. I swept the bow out of its hands with my sword. It attempted to claw at me, but I easily dodged the slow attack, stabbing it in the chest. This was, of course, not enough to kill a risen. I pulled Hack out of the monster with some effort, jumping to the side to avoid another rush of claws. At last, I killed it with a horizontal slash to the neck.

There was a commotion above me, a familiar cry of pain. Robin! I looked up to see him free-falling, arrow through his hand and elwind tome falling out of reach. Emmeryn had been transferred to Ricken, who was struggling to juggle both her and their lifeline, the tome. But I paid them no mind; it was Robin I was worried about.

Miriel redirected herself to Robin's tome, somehow throwing it to him. With the ground fast approaching, he fumbled with it with his uninjured hand. It was all happening too fast; there was no way he could cast the elwind in time.

But then a miracle happened, and somehow he _did._ In his rush he put too much power into it, sending him back up again.

Emmeryn and Ricken made it to the ground first, and I saw that despite the rescue the exalt had still suffered dire wounds from arrows that had grazed her and a couple that had hit their mark. No. NO! This had to work! I hadn't gone through so much only to change nothing!

Lissa was ready for the rough landing, already taking out her new mend staff and putting it to use. Chrom abandoned his fight and rushed over to his sister as well, blocking her from my sight.

With Frederick and Panne taking care of the final risen in the area, I was free to catch my breath and make sure the others made it down okay.

Only they didn't. Let me clarify: rather _Robin_ didn't. Miriel was fine, but to be frank, I couldn't bring myself to care about her condition in light of Robin's. Panne and Frederick had been _just_ too slow in taking out the remaining risen; the last one had gotten a direct hit on our tactician.

And so Robin fell, and I felt I was seeing the game's original cutscene through Chrom's eyes, helpless to stop the death of a loved one.

"ROBIN!" I felt like I was moving through water trying to get to him in time. It would hurt, more than I already hurt, if I managed to get under him, but the act might save him.

I failed to reach him in time, but refused to give up hope. He hadn't fallen from that high the second time—maybe a story? Two? Three, if they were short floors. Of course, I sucked at reading distances, so I could be completely wrong. But I couldn't let that stop me from trying to save him. If my plan had killed Robin…I couldn't finish the thought.

The sickening _crack_ of him hitting the stone ground of the courtyard would stay with me forever.

I skidded to my knees beside the fallen tactician. "Robin!" Why were there no healers here? Why wasn't anyone helping him? I couldn't bring myself to take my eyes off him to look for them, though. Was he still alive? Was he breathing? He wasn't moving! Oh my gods, Robin, please be alive…

Reason finally emerged through my panic and I checked for his pulse. I tried to ignore the blood starting to pool beneath him, unsuccessfully. There was so much blood. But there was magic in this world. Magic could save him, as long as he had a pulse.

The shaking from my exhaustion, adrenaline, and panic made it nearly impossible to feel for a pulse, but I didn't care. This was my only option.

There! I felt it, weak beneath my fingers, weakening by the second, but there. Okay, okay, a healer. He'd make it with a healer. I finally took my eyes off of him to figure out why no one was here yet, only to see that other Shepherds were in as dire condition as he was; the healers had their hands full.

_"If you want something done right, DO IT YOURSELF!"_ Gangrel's words echoed back to me in my mind. I loathed to take advice from the Mad King, but at this point, if I didn't help Robin, no one would.

I spotted a discarded heal staff with a cracked crystal near the courtyard entrance; It would have to do. I shakily got up and sprinted to the staff, almost running into Marth on my way, who had just arrived. "Sorry!" I gasped out, not slowing down to apologize properly.

I landed back on my knees at Robin's side. "Please work!" I held the staff over the tactician, willing it to heal his wounds. Putting all my faith into myself and one, cracked, crystal.

The crystal began to glow.

I just about sobbed with relief, too tired to be excited about the new ability. "Thank Naga. Thank you Naga…"

And then the crystal shattered.

I swear, my sanity went with it.

I wasn't loud with my anguish; I never was. I don't think I could be if I wanted to, this time. I was far too exhausted to waste energy on that. Instead I desperately gathered the sharp shards of crystal, heedless to the scores they cut into my hands, and held them over Robin. "Heal!" I wheezed.

I couldn't see through the tears cascading from my eyes. Were the shards glowing? Was Robin healing?

I heard a gasp and footsteps getting closer, before Chrom was there and panicking just as much as I was while Lissa finally joined me in healing the fallen tactician. Some of the healing energy bled over to me as well, closing the cuts on my hands even as my shaking caused the shards to reform them.

I heard Frederick giving the orders for anyone who was able to walk to help carry the wounded. Just in time, too, as I could hear more risen forming. I'd forgotten about Aversa, too caught up in trying to survive her first wave of risen.

I blinked the tears out of my eyes and looked down. Some color had returned to Robin's face, thankfully, but he was still gravely injured.

Chrom got ahold of himself and and took in the new situation. Risen everywhere, his Shepherd's injured, and the Fire Emblem gone. The only good thing was that they had managed to save Emmeryn. It was time to retreat. "Drop the crystals, Merra. It's time to get out of here." He carefully slid his arms under Robin, picking him up to carry him in a way that wouldn't jostle the arrows that we still hadn't gotten to take out.

I didn't want to stop healing Robin, but I got the picture. I let the shards slip through my fingers, wiping my face with the back of my hand. "Right."

The risen advanced on our downtrodden party, and I feared we wouldn't be able to outrun them with so many of us injured. That is, until a new character entered the picture: Phila. "I'll hold them off!" She cried. "Go!"

It was a terrible situation, but no one hesitated. With that guilty decision, we fled the plegian castle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I'm just going to use my original author's note.
> 
> I can't believe I spent an entire chapter on one fight. Is that good? Did it get repetitive or mundane? Let me know so I can improve! 
> 
> Woo! So a lot happened in this chapter. Like, a LOT. 
> 
> I'm sorry if it seems like I enjoy hurting characters. I don't really? But I've found that I have a flair for the dramatic and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? There probably won't be quite so severe of injuries from here on out unless logic demands it; up to now everything's been a big learning experience for Merra, but now that she's learning she'll be able to improve. Robin got hurt this time because it was actually foreshadowed in chapter three, and it was the perfect way to tie in the fact that Merra can use heal staves. So if you were to go by game stats, she'd be a trickster, complete with trickster skills. She'd have skipped the thief stage because she doesn't actually know how to pick locks XD
> 
> I hadn't planned on killing off the assassin, but I didn't really feel like writing a new OC either. Shrug. I feel kind of bad though. Merra certainly didn't need any more trauma, and it feels like I just wasted an opportunity for a potential reoccurring character. But there's enough going on in this story without needing to add another character, and Merra can grow from this. She probably needed a reminder of what killing someone meant exactly. 
> 
> Merra's anxiety over what's going to happen next and what will be different stem from the fact that I, as the writer, will have to come up with that. There's a lot of stuff that's changing now and I'm not sure exactly all the implications. Not to mention that when I looked over the game script things happened a bit differently than I remembered. I forgot that Emmeryn dies AFTER you finish the chapter. For some reason I thought it happened in the middle. 
> 
> Despite the confusion and uncertainty, I HAVE been planning this scene for some time. Ever since Merra's first nightmare I think? So it's cool to finally see it written. 
> 
> By the time I finished writing this chapter I was emotionally exhausted. I'll count that as a good thing?


	22. Tactical Retreat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because removing arrows from wounds just can't make itself easy. Also, Chrom plays wingman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait again! I've been busy working and writing new chapters. I got to the two-year gap! And wrote the other timeline! I'm excited. 
> 
> Unrelated, but it's very difficult to type with a cat in your face. Dealing with one right now. 
> 
> Oh good he settled down. 
> 
> Warning for graphic descriptions of injury this chapter. I've never really pulled my punches on that front, but there're a few extra details this time. Anyone who gets sympathy nausea like me should be careful.

I didn't know whether to count our last battle as a win or not. We had managed to save Emmeryn, but not without consequences. Ignoring the heavy injuries over half of the Shepherds had sustained, Gangrel still had the fire emblem and Emmeryn had not gotten to give her speech that would ultimately help win the war. I could only hope that Plegia's soldiers would see their king's cruelty for what it was and desert him without the extra push.

But that was unlikely at best.

The Shepherds ran from the castle for as long as our stamina would allow. Lucky for me, everyone else was either just as exhausted as I was, injured, or carrying someone who was, so I wasn't falling behind like I expected. I was neither injured nor carrying the wounded, which was better than pretty much everyone else. However, I _was_ severely out of shape, which was getting old, to be honest. I was working hard to strengthen up, and I knew it took time, but until the two-year gap, time was something I didn't have a lot of.

Before long we had to stop to rest. We couldn't afford to stop, not really, but we had to regain our strength and tend to our wounded before we could continue. I was grateful for the break; not only was I completely spent, but I feared if we continued any farther we'd run straight into the next battle.

Luckily, it hadn't started raining yet, and if I remembered right the next battle took place in a storm. We probably had a bit of room to breathe before we encountered more plegian soldiers.

I trudged through the sand to the area where we were treating the wounded. Maybe they had an extra staff I could use. I had no idea what I was doing, but I had gotten it to work once, right?

Emmeryn was standing on her own two feet, though she looked pale. I had half a mind to approach her, but didn't know what to say. Hi? I'm glad you're alive? I might possibly have just screwed us all royally? Her calming aura had diminished, and she didn't seem nearly as radiant as she had when I'd first seen her at the Capitol. But she had been through a few things since then; she had a right to let the effect down. No ordinary citizens were around to see her anyway.

I instead looked for Lissa. I wanted to rest, but getting everyone treated was more important, and apparently I was able to assist with that now. I found her tending to Robin, Chrom by her side, carefully removing the arrows from his body. Seeing the gore on someone I cared about— _perhaps this crush has grown a bit beyond my control_ —churned my stomach, but I couldn't tear my eyes away. It was when the arrow's shaft emerged without arrowhead and I realized it would have to be _dug out_ that I finally was able to look away, feeling a bit green.

Not caring to make myself sick, I turned to find another healer who could lend me a spare staff. I could handle gore on strangers, but never when it was on someone I was close to. It was strange, how selective my sympathy was. The Shepherds were never strangers to me, so perhaps it would still be hard to see them hurt, but it had to be easier than having to watch Robin bleed, right?

Did I consider myself close to Robin? Or was my crush—infatuation? More than that?—clouding my logic? Did he consider me close to him? I started to glance back at him as I wondered, only just able to stop myself before I saw anything I'd regret. Right. Heal now. Think later.

I forced myself to get back on track, finding Maribelle close by. I…didn't really want to talk to her, and I doubted she'd lend me one of her staves if she was so protective over her clothes. That left Libra, who was a little farther away. My legs felt heavy at the prospect of yet more walking, and I sagged in defeat. Just a little bit longer. Once everyone was taken care of I could rest.

 _One foot in front of the other,_ I told myself, too tired to even think it to the Christmas tune. The adrenaline from the battle had worn off soon after we fled the castle, and the emotional roller coaster I had been put through sapped me of the remainder of my energy. I couldn't even put into words how tired I was. But if exhaustion worked anything like hunger, then if I ignored it long enough, it would go away.

The walk to Libra was in actuality not long at all; it was just a matter of mustering the willpower to get there under the blazing hot sun. When I did finally make it Libra looked up from where he was healing Lon'qu, eyes kind, but questioning.

I answered his unspoken question with a question of my own. "Do you have an extra staff? I think I can help."

"Are you certain? You look like you're about to collapse."

 _Thanks,_ I sarcastically thought, but bit my tongue. I was tired, but that was no reason to be rude. "I don't have to be standing to heal," I stated instead. "I'll rest when no one's dying."

"Very well. I think there's some in the convoy." He indicated the supply wagon, which was close by, thank goodness.

"Thanks." I dragged my feet, blistered within my boots, to the covered wagon and peeked through the flap. It was well-lit, the sun filtering brightly through the cloth cover. I spotted a familiar-looking staff fairly quickly and grabbed it, having to reach a bit since you were really supposed to get _in_ the wagon if you wanted to grab anything. I wasn't about to do any climbing in my current condition, so reaching it was.

I trekked back over to the nearest injured Shepherd who needed attention, which happened to be Gaius. He wasn't looking too good, but at least he was still conscious, which was more than could be said for a few people here.

Sully was sitting next to him, not taking any of his whining. "A little pain is good for you," she dismissed as I approached.

"You call this a _little?!_ " came his pained reply.

Sully was talking tough, but I knew she was worried. I hadn't known her long enough to be able to tell by her face, but she had good character. She'd care enough to worry.

I announced my presence by tripping. Whatever. I hadn't planned on standing much longer anyway. I used the heal staff to push myself into sitting position.

"Sorry," I apologized to Gaius; I had nearly fallen on top of the thief. That would have been bad.

"I should call you Stumbles too," he grinned, but it quickly turned into a grimace.

"Don't talk," I chastised. I knew very little about healing, but talking seemed like a bad idea. Could I be wrong? Yes. Did it really matter? No. Caution was good in this scenario.

"Sully," I got the cavalier's attention. "I'm going to need you to pull out the arrows while I heal him before he bleeds too much. Can you do that?"

"You bet," she replied.

Gaius gulped in fear, looking between me and the knight. Sully was not known for being gentle. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" He asked nervously.

"Not really," I admitted. "But it worked well enough last time I think."

"You _think?!"_ He squeaked. He didn't have any more time to argue about it, however, because Sully had already grabbed the first arrow that had lodged itself in this thigh. I did my best to ignore the thief's pain as I focused on bringing back the miracle that had allowed me to use the heal staff on Robin.

The arrow, of course, was missing the arrowhead once Sully pulled it out. I felt the blood draining from my head in a sympathetic reaction to what was to come next, and refocused my thoughts elsewhere.

Since when was I so sensitive to this stuff? When I got hurt it was (relatively) no big deal. It hurt, and it was shocking, but not mentally traumatic as far as I could tell. Except for maybe that fireball, but I think anyone would be traumatized by that. I used to be able to see gore in media and never even reacted unless I was already sick. And not just feeling a little bad, but actually, legitimately ill. Like when I had pneumonia, for example.

Perhaps I was closer to the Shepherds than I originally thought. Naga had said that I was important to them. Had it already worked both ways? I felt responsible for them, yes, but I hadn't realized how much I cared for their individual well-being until now.

Maybe I should just stick to hacking and slashing. As cool as being able to use some form of magic was, it looked like I wasn't cut out for being a healer.

"Got it," Sully crowed victoriously, jolting me from my thoughts. She held the arrowhead between her forefinger and thumb, which meant the first spot was free for healing. My heart lurched at the blood now pouring from the open wound, and instinctively I gripped the staff tighter, channeling energy through the crystal to the injury. There were several sharp stings in the hand gripping the staff, but that's not what I was paying attention to. The crystal in the staff glowed, and the ragged hole began to close.

Ah. So it was easier when I didn't think about it. Of course it was. Isn't that how all this whimsical stuff works? That's how dreams work anyway. With my tendency to overanalyze things, I always had trouble letting go. All that "it doesn't work unless you believe it" stuff was nigh impossible for me. It's a wonder I was able to trick my subconscious into giving me super powers even once, let alone regularly. Thank you, Danny Phantom fanfiction.

I was getting off track again. Woops.

"Quit complaining, chuckles; would you rather get them out yourself?" Sully growled. "I'll knock you out if you don't quit squirming!"

I was reminded of Erza Scarlet, which was scarier than I'd like to admit.

"A little help, Sleepy?" Gaius choked out through his struggling. He wasn't making this easy. Truly, I thought he'd be able to handle this with a little more grace. At the same time, being a class based on dodging rather than defense, his lack of cooperation made sense. He probably didn't deal with stuff like this often. The fact that he was conscious was probably impressive in itself, and was more than could be said for a couple of Shepherds.

As much as I appreciated his trust in me to do a less painful job than Sully, that trust was unfounded. "Yeah, no, you don't want me anywhere near those arrows with the way my hands shake. I'd do more harm than good."

Gaius groaned at the injustice and stopped struggling, instead going completely rigid when Sully touched the second arrow. I determinedly watched just the arrow, ignoring the flesh, to make sure the arrowhead was still attached. It wasn't. Were arrows just that flimsy, or was that a part of their design? It certainly made healing harder, which would be a strategic move on the enemy's part.

I looked away while Sully retrieved the arrowhead, waiting for her to announce that she had gotten it before channeling healing magic through the staff once again.

We repeated the process for the third and final arrow in the thief's side. Dear Naga, I wish it wasn't my plan that had gotten everyone hurt like this. I looked at the line of injured Shepherds on the sand and sighed.

"Hey, Sleepy," Gaius got my attention. He was breathing easier now that the last wound was being healed, but he was looking at me in confusion. "Your hands are glowing. I'm pretty sure that's not normal, even for a healer."

"What?" I looked at my hands, which were indeed glowing. They emitted the same blue light that the crystal on the staff did, which was strange, to say the least. In my distraction I stopped healing Gaius, which was just as well, as it seemed I'd already gotten the job done. The glow faded with the magic. I dropped the staff to look at my palms, seeing the slices that the crystal shards had inflicted while I was healing Robin. They weren't bleeding anymore, but they hadn't quite scabbed yet, either, as they hadn't been cleaned.

Oh. That was what I forgot to do before healing Gaius. I hoped that heal staves doubled as disinfectant.

There was something blue lodged deep within one of the numerous cuts. Was that…? I managed to use my nails to grip the edges of the foreign object and tugged on it. I ignored the sting with little difficulty. Nothing compared to that damned fireball. With a wince I pulled it free, proving my suspicions correct: it was a shard of the shattered heal crystal. Did that mean I could heal without a staff? If my hands had glowed when I was healing Gaius, I could reasonably assume that was the case.

I felt torn; on one hand, not needing a staff to heal people was _wicked,_ but on the other hand, if the stinging in my hand when I'd gripped the staff was any indication, these shards were still sharp, and would do damage when pressure was put on them. Theoretically, the more I used them the smaller the pieces they would break into (indicated by the fact that the crystal had shattered when overused), but would that be better or worse? Would they get small enough to not cause any harm after enough use? If I wanted them out, now was the time to do it while the pieces were still large enough to grab and the cuts were still open.

…I should probably get them out of my right hand, at least. If I couldn't even hold onto Hack without the shards biting into my hand there would be a problem. But Shepherds still needed healing. Did we even have time to spare before a patrol found us? I should worry about the others first, right?

There was, now that I thought about it, a third option. Grabbing the heal staff I'd dropped, I got up and painfully shuffled over to the miraculously living exalt. Lost in my thoughts, I totally forgot to explain to Sully and Gaius what was going on. Oh well.

"Emmeryn?" I didn't use any titles because I wasn't sure which one to use, but I figured she wouldn't mind. "I know you're probably in shock, but you're a sage, right? You can use staves?"

The usually regal woman looked at me, distantly at first before her eyes focused. "Yes…I'll help in any way that I can. As the exalt, it is my duty." She accepted the heal staff and seemed to just glide over to Nowi, the closest person in need of healing.

Right. With someone to replace me healing the others, I could focus on getting these crystals out of my hand. I slowly walked to sit by Chrom and Robin, who had just regained consciousness. Tharja was there as well. I knew I shouldn't be surprised, but I was surprised nonetheless. I hadn't known if we'd recruited her in all that chaos.

I flopped down onto the sand—this was a familiar song and dance by this point—and got to work digging the razor-like crystals out of my hand.

"That looks painful," Chrom commented. "You should get that looked at."

Robin pushed himself into a sitting position to see what Chrom was talking about and hissed. Whether it was from sympathy or lingering soreness from his newly healed wounds, I did not know.

"I should," I agreed. "But I have to get everything out first. It would really suck if I got healed and my skin sealed these shards inside."

"Shards? What happened?" Robin asked.

I managed to extract another chip of crystal from my hand and showed it to him. Tharja didn't react, but both Chrom and Robin looked horrified.

"Naga, Merra, how did that get _in_ your hand?" Chrom asked, appalled at the sight.

"Come on, it's not like I'm dying. I just have sort of a lot of crystal splinters." I wasn't exactly enjoying the feeling, but wasn't he making a big deal over nothing?

"Merra, how did the crystal get in your hand?" Robin asked, not letting me change the subject.

I sighed. "I _might_ have thrown caution to the wind when you fell. All the other healers were busy, so I found a discarded staff, and when I tried to heal you the entire crystal just shattered." I meant to stop there, but at Robin's insistent look I continued. "When that happened I sort of abandoned all reason. I gathered the shards and tried to heal you with those until Lissa finally arrived. They were sharp and I was shaking, so they cut into my hands." I looked away. "They still work. Apparently my hands were glowing when I was healing Gaius just now."

Robin nodded, mentally adding the affinity for staves to my short list of abilities.

"So why are you removing them?" Chrom asked.

"I imagine it's quite painful to have sharp crystals lodged in your flesh," Tharja remarked. Chrom colored at his thoughtless question. Of course it would hurt, duh.

"Thank you," Robin spoke up, "for going through all that just to save me."

"It's about time I did something useful," I said reproachfully, "with how much everyone's been helping me. But you're welcome." I glanced at him to show I meant it before quickly looking back down at my hands. I was glad I had managed to save him, but I was also kind of embarrassed at the scene I'd made in the courtyard. Thank Naga the tactician was unconscious for it.

Little did I know, Robin was watching me with a thoughtful expression before understanding finally dawned on him. All of my more confusing actions up to this point were starting to make sense to him.

Chrom looked back and forth between the two of us, amusement in his features. "I'm going to go check on Emm," he announced. He grabbed Tharja's arm as he was walking away. "You too, Tharja. She'll want to meet you." Tharja did not look pleased at this new development, but allowed herself to be dragged away by the prince—but not before one last narrowed-eyed look at me.

I stared after them in confusion. That seemed rather sudden, didn't it? I exchanged a bewildered glance with Robin, only he didn't seem nearly as confused as I was. "What was that about?"

"I'm not sure," he lied. He appreciated Chrom's gesture, but he needed some time to think before he pursued this idea further.

I didn't believe him, but decided not to push the issue. Naga said that the Shepherds cared about me; I'd have to trust that they wouldn't lie to me with malicious intent.

By the time I could no longer feel anything cutting into my right hand when I squeezed my fist, both hands were throbbing like mad. Any crystals remaining would just have to stay there; I was done. I poured some water over the now inflamed cuts, washing the sand out of them as best I could. Now all I needed was a healer.

But getting up sounded like such a pain…

"Is something wrong?" Robin asked. I probably looked weird, just staring at my hands without moving for a while.

"I'm too tired to get up," I complained. "But I need someone to heal my hands so they don't get infected."

"Ah. Maybe you could wait for them to come over here?" Robin suggested. "That would give you time to rest, and you wouldn't be interrupting their work."

"Sounds good." I agreed. I checked my watch; It was 1:12 in the afternoon. How much more time would we have before we had to march? Or would we run to put more distance behind us? I hoped that wasn't the case; if we did that, I wouldn't have any energy to fight the next battle.

Speaking of the next battle, I saw dark clouds gathering in the sky ahead. It would take some time to get there, but maybe we were a little closer to the Midmire than I thought.

Robin followed my line of sight, finding the clouds I was watching. "Is that where we're headed?"

"Yup." I confirmed. "We'll run into some plegian soldiers there. The battle will take place in a storm at the Midmire. I remember what the battlefield looks like, but not the placement of neither their nor our forces. That information would probably be different, anyway, since Emmeryn didn't get to make her speech to incite unrest in Gangrel's troops. There's going to be more enemies than there were in my friend's stories."

I looked him in the eye. "Saving Emmeryn may have been the right thing to do, but this war is going to be much harder to win because of it." It also robbed Chrom of some character growth, but how could I deliberately let him suffer the death of his sister? He could learn those lessons from other experiences, and if he didn't, well, with Emmeryn alive it's not like he had to step up to the responsibility of leading his whole country anyway.

Robin paused to think for a moment. "If that's the case, then what can you tell me that you remember? It sounds like we're going to need all the help we can get."

"So long as you don't let me make any more plans." I muttered. "I don't want everyone getting hurt again just because I decided we were better than the script." I had been right, but at a cost.

"Without your plan we wouldn't have been able to save the exalt," Robin pointed out. "So don't sell yourself short. Everyone knew what they signed up for."

"I guess so. Thanks." I was grateful that he was such a positive person, at least when it came to others. I know how little he thought of himself in the late game. But that was later. Hopefully I'd be able to support him then like everyone had been supporting me up to now.

Now, back to business. "The battlefield is filled with enormous curved bones like a rib cage. We could probably place ranged units on top of those; that would keep them safe from close-range attacks while still allowing them to be useful. I believe that when the battle starts, we'll be on the opposite side of the ribs from our opponents, but I don't remember that for sure. The space between each rib is narrow, so we'd be fighting in close quarters."

"Wouldn't we be able to spread out under the ribs though?" Robin wondered.

Right. Real life didn't follow game rules. Which was strange, since I could recall pulling off a critical hit far beyond my skill level in one of the early battles. Maybe things worked differently in this world in general? But still followed most logic? Or maybe Naga had decided to help me out?

Actually, putting people on top of the ribs was a terrible idea. Not only would it be slippery from the rain, but it was also a very good way to get struck by lightning.

"This is why you're the tactician, not me. Ignore me. And don't put anyone on top of the ribs, that would be a terrible idea."

"Wasn't planning on it," Robin assured. Oh. Good to know he wouldn't just take my word for things, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Think my original author's note works well enough here. 
> 
> Heh, sorry that nothing really happened in this chapter. I just kind of wrote stuff? I don't really have this section planned out beyond a few vague ideas. I guess a little bit happened; Robin's wizening up to Merra's feelings while she's starting to realize that maaaaybe she's got it a bit worse than she thought. And after a couple of chapters of hard fighting, everyone definitely needs some time to recover. They won't get much, but it's something that had to happen. I don't know that I could believably get them through the next battle otherwise.


	23. Thieving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merra embraces the ways of the thief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing of note to say here, really. Unless anyone wants to listen to me gush about how excited I am for Sword and Shield? I preordered Sword and my friends preordered Shield, and we're going to the midnight release! I also took an extra day off work so I have time to sleep after playing two days straight. 
> 
> Oh, so here's a funny story from the original author's note: A year or so ago I kicked a dent in the wall by my bed in my sleep. Well! Apparent;y I'm a creature of habit, and I continued kicking the dent until there was a massive hole instead! So then my room smelled like insulation or drywall or whatever construction smell you get from open walls. I have since put a board over it so I'm not making the hole any bigger and the room smells normal again, but I still haven't fixed it. Nyoops.

It was with great reluctance that everyone dragged themselves to their feet to resume our escape from the plegian castle. We didn't run, thank goodness, but now that everyone was healed (including myself, having gotten my hands looked at) we kept up a brisk pace.

I could see the edge of the rain ahead, leading us ever closer to the next battle. Dread sat heavy on my chest. I didn't dare ask to reroute around the prospective battle, not after what happened to Cordelia, but I wasn't looking forward to fighting through my exhaustion. No one was. Not to mention I'd never fought in the rain before; how would it affect my footing? My grip? My vision?

I was quickly soaked through once we reached the rainy wall and opted to take off my jacket. It was still hot, and I no longer had to worry about sun, wind, or sand hurting my burn scars. The clothes I was borrowing from Sumia were already torn. I wasn't surprised. They were going to get a lot worse by the time we got someplace safe.

But hey, this was the closest thing I'd gotten to a shower since getting here! So that was a plus. I had half a mind to start scrubbing myself down, but I had _some_ pride. It was all I could do to focus on keeping up anyway.

All too soon, I spotted those towering ribs in the distance. I could only hope that we were adequately prepared. For all I knew, if we hesitated too long on our approach an enemy party might catch up to us from behind.

I was so tired; could I really expect to be able to fight this battle?

But how could I not? I was a Shepherd too; It was my duty to fight.

Enough thinking. I was pretty sure someone was talking, and it sounded important.

"I want ranged fighters to stay outside the ribs," Robin was saying. "And all close-range fighters to work their way underneath them. Healers need to stay near an escort outside the ribs until they're needed. Any fliers need to stay low to the ground; there's no need for lightning to defeat us before the enemy can."

"Right!" Everyone split off to their designated positions. But wait—was I a healer or was I a close-range fighter? Do I charge ahead? I could defend myself decently enough now, so would I even need to hang back with an escort? Perhaps I could be a front-line healer…

"Merra, you're with the close-ranged fighters now! You've been doing pretty well, so you're back on the front lines." Robin informed me. Ah. He must have noticed my hesitation.

"Thanks!" I forged ahead to catch up with the others. I was anxious about this fight, but it wasn't going to wait for me to destress. I'd just have to keep a tight grip on Hack and watch my footing. Thank goodness for my hat, otherwise I had a feeling it would be a lot harder to see, what with rainwater getting in my eyes.

I balked at the sight of the plegian soldiers in front of us; there were so _many._ _Way_ more than I remembered from the game. That's not to say I remembered the chapter very well from the game at this point, but come on. This was ridiculous.

Along with the larger number of enemies than expected were strangely shaped hills underneath the giant ribcage. If we planned to stay as low to the ground as possible to prevent lightning strikes, fighting between the hills would be tough, almost suicide. My initial impression had been right after all; I had just made the mistake of thinking that the ribs were the only land form here.

I hoped my faulty information didn't cost us the battle, and by extension, the war. Was Robin reevaluating his plan? Were we going to get new instructions? Surely it would be much harder for the ranged fighters to affect the battlefield from the outskirts with those hills in the way.

But it was too late to go back now; the fight was on.

I tightened my grip on Hack, readying myself for my first opponent of the battle, a thief. He was running at me full tilt; I'm honestly not sure he saw me through his hood and the rain. I sidestepped and stuck my foot out. I heard him curse as he tried to jump it at the last second but I reacted just as quickly, raising it too high to dodge. He fell flat on his face and skidded through the mud.

In the brief time he was frozen in shock and disgust I swiped his bag—hey, thieves had good stuff! And it's not like I was pilfering a dead body.

The thief made to grab the sack but I yanked it backward. "All's fair in love and war, buddy." Most people were referring to the 'love' part of the phrase when they used it, but it worked both ways, right?

Rather than responding with words the thief snarled, taking out a rather long knife and swiping at me. Uh. Knives were actually a thing here?

I had to jump back from another swipe, getting myself back on track. Right. I could marvel at the differences between this world and the game later. Fight now.

I retaliated with a few swings of Hack, each hitting nothing but air. Between his dodging and my own, this fight was getting nowhere. Knowing I'd be more likely than my opponent to make a mistake if this didn't let up, I changed tactics and threw the bag at his face. It wasn't enough to knock him over as the sack was pretty light, but it was bulky enough to obscure his vision so I could get a hit in.

With a stab it was over, and the thief dropped to the ground. I guiltily grabbed the bag. Now I really was pilfering a dead body. Was whatever was in here really worth dying for? Honestly, I would have let him go if he hadn't pulled his knife on me. Thieves normally focus on getting the goods and escaping off-screen first, and defending themselves second. I really only took the bag to see if the same applied to the real world. Well that, and thieves always had something useful.

Dang though, now I was going to have to carry this thing the rest of the battle. I didn't have time to see what was in the bag, being in the middle of said battle, but I didn't want to take up a whole arm carrying dead weight. Thinking fast I tied it to the sleeves of my jacket, which were already tied around my waist. There.

Moving on to the next opponent I ran into Gregor. "Doing mid-battle shopping?" Our (relatively) new recruit asked.

"You could say that," I replied. I healed whatever small wounds he had while he fought, figuring it would be the most useful thing I could do without getting in the way. I felt the crystal shards in my left hand shift, feeling like pop rocks but in my hand instead of my mouth. Perhaps they were cracking into smaller pieces?

I pushed the worrying thought from my mind. Focus on the battle, Merra. And perhaps use an actual staff next time.

A particularly loud crack of thunder caused me to jump what felt like an entire foot in the air. I wasn't afraid of a little storm under most circumstances, but right now, when I was already jumpy from battle? Yeah, no, this storm could be a problem. If it distracted me at the wrong moment I could get killed.

Like now, actually.

When I landed from my little scare my feet slipped right out from under me in the mud, landing me on top of the bag I had snatched from the thief. I dropped Hack on the way down, tossing it a foot or so away so I wouldn't stab myself with it by landing on it or something equally stupid. It was a surprisingly soft landing, and again I questioned what could possibly be in the bag.

Before I could think about it long Gregor grabbed my arm as he ran the other direction. "We go now!" He sounded almost panicked.

I barely managed to grab Hack as he pulled me away before I saw something BIG falling from above. One look was all I needed to start running as well.

Behind us, a section of rib crashed into the ground, the severed end blackened and jagged. Looks like flying units weren't the only ones who had to watch out.

Unfortunately, in running away from the carnage we ran right into the laps of a gaggle of enemies. I wondered what Gregor had been doing fighting alone before I arrived. Whatever the case, it was two vs. more than I had time to count. Less than ten I hoped.

The wyvern rider was my main concern. As far as I knew, Hack had no special properties. In fact, it was probably rather subpar in comparison to other more standard weapons. But seeing as my strength, too, was rather subpar, It mattered little to me. Its main advantages lied in its versatility, being shorter and lighter. As nice as that was, it's short range would be a problem against an aerial unit, and its lack of super-effective abilities, to put it in pokemon terms, weren't making things any better.

How does one fight something flying above them? They'd have to come down to attack me, but would I be able to retaliate?

I didn't realize I had been thinking _and_ fighting until I made the mistake of blocking an incoming axe instead of dodging. I let out several choice words as the force rattled up my entire arm, numbing my fingers and jarring my wrist all in one go. What an _idiot mistake, Gods._

Things weren't looking good until an arc of electricity snapped and sizzled through the mass of plegians, forming a twisted chain of seizing enemies.

"That works a lot better in the rain than I expected," came Robin's voice.

"No kidding," I coughed. I would have laughed, but the exertion of the fight left me gasping for air. I couldn't wait until I was in better shape.

The enemy soldiers were easy pickings while they were recovering from the shock, and soon enough we were the only three left standing. I transferred Hack to my left hand and attempted to shake out my right arm, which was still punishing me for that block.

"You okay Merra?" Robin asked.

"I'm fine," I replied. Was I lying? I didn't even know. "I just blocked when I should have dodged and my arm is letting me know."

"Can you still fight?" That was the important question, now, wasn't it?

"Probably?" I guessed. "I'll be disarmed more easily. It should be back to normal in a couple of minutes." _I hope._

"Stay behind me and Gregor until then, alright? Taking a rest is never a bad thing, and you can still act as a healer," Robin decided.

"Sure thing." I fell back behind them, watching out for any enemies who'd try to get the jump on us.

We eventually joined up with Frederick and Sumia, and together we were an unstoppable force. Any time someone got injured I was right there to heal them up, ignoring the odd feeling of the shifting crystal shards left in my hand. I wasn't even out of the fight, as I was the first one to notice anyone who tried to sneak up from behind.

When at last the boss fell, I dropped to my knees in exhaustion. Three battles in one day? I was _beat._

I had to push down a pang of guilt at the sight of the fallen enemy commander; from what I remembered, he was an honorable man. He had respected Emmeryn's sacrifice in the game, right? It seemed a shame that he had to die.

Such was war, I supposed.

* * *

Turns out, Olivia had been waiting for us a short distance away from the battlefield. Apparently the great ribcage had been the designated meeting point for her to smuggle us out of the country and back into Ferox. Many of the more recognizable Shepherds took to hiding in the covered wagons. This included the royalty and the ones who stood out, like Nowi, Panne, Robin, and me.

I ended up in a wagon with the aforementioned non-royals. Conversation was nonexistent, everyone too tired to spare the energy to talk.

It was as good a time as any to see what was in that bag I stole. The bag was caked with mud from the battlefield, but appeared to be made of good material because it was still clean inside, if a bit damp. Reaching in, I felt something soft. Stupid soft, like a stuffed animal.

I pulled out the mystery object to discover it was a fluffy white robe. A seraph robe? In the game this was a really good item. I never used it in Awakening because I didn't use stat-changing items in general, (I'd get too overwhelmed if I tried to mess with all that), but I had used its equivalent, the angelic robe, on Matthew in the Blazing Blade.

In the games it gave the wearer permanent extra HP. But did it still work here?

"Hey Robin, what do you know about seraph robes?"

"Hm?!" He inhaled sharply and looked at me in confusion. Oh, had he already been asleep? Woops. "What?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were already asleep," I apologized.

"It's alright, I'm awake now. What did you need?" He didn't look bothered, but I felt bad anyway. But it would be rude to not ask him now, right?

"What do you know about seraph robes?" I held up the newly acquired garment for emphasis.

There was a spark in his expression. Was that excitement? Surprise? Curiosity? I couldn't tell. "Seraph robes have magic that increases the wearer's durability so they can take more hits. Where did you find this?" He reached for the soft material so I let him take it to inspect.

"Pilfered it from a thief," I answered. I quashed the guilt. This was war, and any edge we could get was one we had to take. "Who do you think should get it?"

Robin looked at me appraisingly. Or maybe he was looking through me? Something was going on in his head at least. Gears were turning. "Keep it," he decided at last. "You could use the extra strength, and you were the one who found it. You don't exactly have much equipment for battle anyway. We'll have to fix that once we get back to the capitol."

More shopping? I had just spent my last paycheck on Hack!

But at the same time, he was right on all accounts, and I would have been sad to give up the robe to someone else. "Thanks!" I gratefully took it back and put it back in the bag. My other bag was still in the supply wagon, and this one was pretty good quality. It would keep the white material clean.

"Now that that's settled, would you be quiet?" Panne grumbled. "Some of us are still trying to sleep."

Robin and I murmured our apologies and settled in to follow her example. There wasn't a ton of room in the wagon, but we were able to get comfortable while only moderately invading each other's space. It was good enough, apparently, because I was out like a light.

* * *

I was flying. My gods, how I missed flying. This was wonderful; the wind across my face, my feet free from the ground, the feeling of weightlessness…

I was also at school, which I did _not_ miss. I was in the courtyard, which explained how I had enough room to maneuver at the speed I was going. It was better than being a classroom, I supposed.

Screw this noise. I didn't have to deal with school anymore. Let anyone try to stop me!

The courtyard had a glass ceiling for some reason, but I didn't let that slow me down, instead passing intangibly through it and into the open sky. To my surprise, I was able to gain altitude without trouble; that was unusual for me. Flying horizontally was never a problem, but gaining altitude never made itself easy. What had changed?

Deciding to test this newfound potential, I ascended as high as I could, eventually making it to the edge of the atmosphere. I hovered on the cusp of space, debating whether or not I wanted to continue. Space was scary. The endlessness of it, the emptiness, the fact that it was so big that if you got lost no one would find you…I shuddered. That wasn't even mentioning the photon stars, black holes, and other dangers that lurked in the dark. No; as cool as space could be, I did not think I wanted to explore it myself. Who knew if I'd ever make it back home from out there?

Home…now there was a place I hadn't seen in forever. The thought caught me off-guard; what had been keeping me from home again? Surely it wasn't school. It's not as if I was in a boarding school.

It tickled at the edge of my mind. Images flashed in the back of my mind, each only for an instant before disappearing again. Flashes of steel, glowing red eyes and purple globs of dust…grassland, fire, desert, snow…lightning and dark fabric and eyes filled with kindness…

It was cold up here.

As soon as the thought entered my head, the images were gone.

Images? What images? What was I thinking about?

I wanted to go home.

With that thought in mind I descended through the wet clouds, which only made me colder. I thought it was supposed to get warmer the closer you got to the surface? Unless the warmest layer of the atmosphere was the thermosphere? I couldn't remember. It wasn't something I'd learned at school, and it had been several years since I originally learned the information. Regardless, I was below the clouds now and still freezing.

Looking down, I could see why. Below me was a desolate frozen desert.

I was so confused I woke up.

* * *

I blinked awake, awash with confusion. Why was I still cold? Better question, why was I only cold _on one side?_ Opposite from me I could see Nowi cuddled up against Panne, trying to stay warm in her rather skimpy outfit. Which could only mean…

My eyes went wide in realization as I looked over at my source of warmth: Robin. _I had been sleeping on him oh my gods._ Even worse (or maybe even better?) _He was sleeping on me!_ I felt my face positively burning. That was one way to warm up, I supposed. I was still cold though.

Olivia had helpfully provided blankets, but they were all out of reach as my right side was stuck under a sleeping tactician. My left arm was free so long as I didn't move my body, however, so I reached for the closest things to me: my jacket and the bag containing my new seraph robe.

I did my best to settle the garments over us like blankets without disturbing the tactician. I thought I had failed when he shifted, but all he did was somehow get even _closer_ to me. I held my breath to see if he'd wake up, but to my relief he was still asleep.

Now much warmer from the movement, the additional "blankets" and my embarrassment, I leaned back on Robin (where else was I supposed to go?) and quickly fell back asleep.

Unseen by me, Robin smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I give you shipping! I give you fluff! Huzzah! 
> 
> Hard to believe I managed to fit a battle and a dream into the same chapter. I guess I did the same thing in chapter three though? Although that chapter was absurdly long so maybe that's not saying much. 
> 
> The dream was deliberately off-topic. It's mostly a commentary on Merra's improved mental health. Improved, but not perfect. Her main coping mechanism is avoidance, which is pretty plain to see. I tried to keep it short to not waste time, but once I started writing it it gave itself importance. Sorry?


	24. Hexed Tex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merra becomes a lobster! Then a traffic light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter for today!

I woke up to being jostled. What was going on…? The lighting was dim, and it felt like I was in something moving?

At an upset noise from right next to me everything came rushing back. My god, I'd been flat-out cuddling with Robin. _AND HE'D BEEN CUDDLING BACK OH MY GO—_

Another sound of distress coming from the tactician cut short my mini episode and I turned my attention to him. He looked pained. It hurt me to see. Far be it from me to let him suffer, even if it was just a nightmare; I, of all people, knew how bad nightmares could be.

I settled on gently gripping his shoulder and shaking it a bit. I'd say something instead, but I didn't want to wake Panne and Nowi with their heightened senses if Robin hadn't already.

Unfortunately, nothing happened. Maybe I could chance speaking if I kept my voice low? "Robin, wake up. You're having a nightmare." I murmured, quiet but firm.

"Merra…?" His face scrunched in concentration until he managed to open his eyes. As soon as he did he let out a yelp and scrambled away from me.

What, did he not know how close we were? …was there something on my face?

"Good gods, Merra, are you okay?" He somehow looked both horrified and concerned.

"Yeah? Why?"

"You're—" his mouth contorted in different ways as he tried to find the right words, "—red."

Was that it? Of course I was red. Our previous positions were reason enough, but all the commotion he was making was embarrassing.

He saw my unimpressed look and insisted. "No, I mean it, you're REALLY red, even your hands. Are you sure you're all right?"

Wanting to see what could have him so worked up, I looked down at my hands.

Okay. What the _HELL_. Robin wasn't exaggerating; my skin was a dark, crimson blood-red. My mind blanked. What? What was going on? Were those really _my_ hands?

"Breathe, Merra."

Right. I took a deep breath, realizing that I had stopped at the strange sight.

"Better?" Robin asked.

I nodded, still staring at my colored skin.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

I looked up at him. "I don't feel any different, so…maybe? But what about you? That didn't sound like a good dream you were having."

"Huh?" He looked confused briefly. "Oh, right. I forgot all about that in light of this. It wasn't important."

"Alrighty then." I had my doubts, but I wasn't going to force him to talk about it if he didn't want to.

Now my skin, on the other hand, was an entirely new problem. Strangers would probably think me some sort of demon.

But I truly didn't feel any different. As far as I could tell, it was just an aesthetic change. But why? What could do this?

Or, rather, _who_ could do this, and who _would_ _?_

Anyone with magic could probably do this, but really, there was only one person with motive: Tharja. She was probably jealous of all the time I've spent with Robin.

Freaking stalker.

* * *

Everyone inside the wagon had foregone all semblance of pride and personal space and were huddling for warmth. We may have been mostly out of the elements, but without the motion of walking to warm us up we'd all gotten pretty desperate. It wasn't any different from sharing Robin's coat, right?

Come to think of it, I was a lot more touchy-feely with him than I'd been with pretty much anyone, ever. The only thing we hadn't done at this point that I've done with someone else was hold hands. I'd probably die of some kind of mental break if that happened though.

Besides, the last thing I wanted to do was distract our tactician in the midst of a war. Whatever feelings I had, for everyone's sake and my own sanity, were best left repressed for the time being.

The wagon slowed to a stop.

The four of us tensed, waiting to see the reason for for the delay. Had we arrived, or had we run into trouble?

Sully peered into the wagon around the flap. "We're h—holy shit Merra, what happened?!"

I flinched at her volume, the ride having been mostly silent up until then. "I don't know, but I have a pretty good guess."

"Which is?"

"I think I've been hexed." I didn't want to blame Tharja just yet—I knew it was her, so yeah, I blamed her, but I could confront her myself. There was no need to tell anyone yet. As far as I knew this current hex was harmless. Weird, yes, but harmless all the same.

Sully was silent for a moment. "At least you're calm about it. Come on out; we made it to Ferox." She moved aside so we had space to get out of the wagon.

Panne and Nowi exited first, Panne anxious to get away from the drama and Nowi just wanting room to move around. Robin was next, leaving me to exit last. I didn't really want anyone seeing me like this; not because I was worried they'd think of me differently, but because I was tired of being the source of everyone's concern. So much drama was a pain.

However, I couldn't hide forever, so, reluctantly, I stepped out of the covered wagon.

The few people looking my way gasped, causing a chain reaction of more people looking my way and gasping. Gods, I was just red, okay? Get over it! It's out of my control!

Maybe I should have outed Tharja after all.

Speaking of the dark mage, she was nowhere to be found. I knew she had to be nearby, though; Wherever Robin went, she wasn't far behind. She was around here somewhere.

After most people realized they were being rude staring and went back to their normal business, I heard Gaius snort. "Someone got you good, Sleepy," He snickered. Sully hit him upside the head. "Hey!" He put his arms up to block any further abuse.

"Don't be rude," the cavalier reprimanded. I had a feeling that was becoming pretty normal.

"It's okay to laugh," I defended the thief. "I'm pretty sure whatever happened is harmless. It's just going to take some getting used to until it goes away." _Assuming it_ will _go away._ I was going to _kill_ Tharja if it didn't.

"See?" Gaius threw his hands towards me. "Merra doesn't care."

Sully mumbled something I didn't quite hear, but I let it go. Aside from the gasping and staring, laughter was a much better reaction than I'd expected to get. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

The Khans were gracious enough to let us stay in the castle, which meant we finally had the time and means for actual baths. Thank the gods!

Sadly, while scrubbing did get rid of the grime that had built up since my arrival in Ylisse, the red color was unaffected. I hadn't really expected it to help any, but I was hoping I'd get lucky.

I thought I heard Chrom wander in at one point, starting the C-support conversation that he would have had with a female Robin. Oh no, I was _not_ going through that. "Come in, and you die," I threatened. He swore, which, might I say, was HILARIOUS to hear, and hurriedly retreated before he could see anything. Crisis averted.

After that close call I picked up the pace, staying on-task rather than relaxing in the hot water like I'd wanted. Oh well.

While I had been washing up servants had cleaned my clothes for me, much to my surprise. I wasn't royalty. Had they done that for everyone? Less important but still curious, how had they managed to dry them so fast? Fire magic?

Of course, only half the outfit was my own clothing, the rest being Sumia's. I sighed. Hopefully I'd get my own clothes soon. At least I had the seraph robe to keep me warm in this weather. For that, I was grateful. Thank you, random thief I killed.

It wasn't sarcasm, but the offhanded way I thought about how I ended someone's life—and stole their stuff—still bothered me. But I couldn't very well control my thoughts, so the most I could do was take good care of the stolen robe and hope that eased my guilt.

I was knocked out of my thoughts (quite literally) when I ran into Sumia. Reacting quickly I managed to catch her before she hit the ground, as our bump had caused her to trip over her own feet.

"Thanks Merra! Sorry…" The pegasus knight dusted herself off. "I was just coming to deliver your weekly pay from Chrom. He also asked me to help you get some new clothes from the market."

"Wh—right now? Like this?" I indicated my garish-looking skin tone. Letting the shepherds see me like this was one thing, but strangers? Who'd assume I was some kind of demon? That was a good way to get lynched.

"You look fine!" Sumia tried to assure me.

I gave her an unimpressed look. I get she was trying to be nice, but really?

She sighed. "You'll get a few looks, but I doubt anyone's going to do anything. Plus, at the rate things have been happening, if we tried to wait for it to go away then we'd have to leave for the next battle before we could get you any new clothes. And I kind of need mine back soon so I can get my current ones repaired…"

Looking closely, she did have a point about needing hers back. She hadn't taken many hits in the last few battles, being above the battlefield on her pegasus, but she had apparently taken a few, if the state of her clothes had anything to say.

I was a whole 'nother story; Though I had stitched up as much as I could on the way here once I woke up, I'd definitely put these clothes through the wringer.

Not to mention she was completely right about waiting for the hex to wear off. The war _had_ been progressing rather quickly. Heck, there was only one battle left if things went the way they did in the game! I had changed an awful lot though, so who knew how things would go from now on.

"Merra?" Sumia was looking at me expectantly.

"Right, sorry." I had gotten lost in thought. I took the pouch of coins—where did Chrom get so many pouches to pay people with anyway?—and sighed. "To the market, then?"

"To the market," Sumia confirmed.

* * *

We accumulated more people on our way out, ending up with Lissa, Sully, Maribelle and Olivia by the time we left the Feroxi Palace. Sully wanted to help me find something I could "kick someone's ass" in, Lissa was just excited to go shopping, Maribelle wanted to stay with Lissa and Olivia was there to make sure we didn't get lost.

Girls' shopping trip anyone? All that was missing was giggling and talking about boys. I didn't dare tempt fate by pointing this out, however. Lissa would doubtlessly bring them up anyway, if our past conversations were any indication.

Olivia kept sneaking glances at me, doubtlessly because of the odd color of my skin. It was getting annoying, but I couldn't really fault her for it. If it had happened to someone else, I'm sure I'd be openly staring, much like the townsfolk we passed. I pulled my jacket hood farther over my face, angled my hat down, and hid my hands in the seraph robe's sleeves. There; now I was just an edgy stranger.

The first stop was the tailor's, which was Lissa's idea. I reluctantly had my measurements taken if only so I could understand this world's clothes measuring system. I didn't really want anything tailor-made for me; I'm sure it was more expensive that way and it would probably take too long. That, and with how hard I'd been on my clothes recently it would be unwise to spend so much time and money on something that would get messed up before long.

Luckily we moved on fairly quickly, and we arrived at a regular clothes shop. The selection ranged from dancers' outfits to furs, with a few things for temperate weather in between.

I, of course, went straight for anything I saw that was green. I couldn't help it! It was my favorite color. This meant I was traipsing around the shop looking at random styles with no rhyme or reason before Sully finally got tired of my nonsense and clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Why don't we settle for something easy to move in?"

I jumped at the sudden contact and squeaked an agreement.

Sumia held up a long purple shirt. "Would this one work?"

"I can try it." There was a dressing room in the back of the shop, so I wasn't stuck with guessing if something would fit. I reminded myself that it just needed to be functional. It would be hard to tell if something looked good on me with this hex anyway.

We each grabbed a few more things of various shapes and colors. Maribelle wasn't all that interested in helping, but Lissa was enthusiastically picking things out for me. She tried to get me in something more revealing "for the guys" but I nixed that right away. I was not freezing my butt off, leaving skin exposed and undefended, or dressing a certain way for the sole purpose of impressing a potential suitor. Not that I was deliberately looking for any, (aside from Robin of course, but we'd cross that bridge if we got to it) but if someone was going to like me, they were going to have to like me for _me,_ not how I dressed.

Olivia was also leaning towards more revealing clothes, being more used to wearing them, but once she understood that I wouldn't go for those she went to the complete opposite side of the spectrum: full coverage and lined with fur. I reluctantly added them to the pile. They'd be good for fighting in Ferox, but a bit too heavy for anywhere else. I didn't have the heart to tell her.

Sumia picked out cute things, with pastels and pinks and purples. Some of her picks had fur linings as well, but it wasn't as extreme as what Olivia was choosing. I didn't mean to be picky, so I was willing to try each thing, but to be honest I'd probably tear through them in the first battle.

After seeing everyone else's choices, all my hopes rode on Sully. To my absolute relief she seemed the most sensible of the bunch, going for practical things with sturdy fabric. The colors were all over the place; you could tell she wasn't one for fashion. I couldn't really criticize on that front, though, with my own lacking fashion sense.

All in all, I was in the dressing room for a good long while. Luckily almost everything was the right size thanks to the measurements from the tailor, so it was only a matter of things being the right shape to fit.

Right off the bat I found some dark, dark green pants that were perfect. They were one of Sully's picks; I could tell by the type of fabric. They were slightly loose to allow for movement but not so much that I'd trip over them. With that over with, on to the shirts!

It was at the bottom of the pile where I found the hidden gem: A green and yellow short-sleeved long shirt. It was excessively bright to the point of being gaudy, but if the shoes fits…or in this case, the shirt. And it did, so…I guess I was done here?

I left the dressing room with a smile almost as bright as my new shirt.

Sully took one look and sighed, putting her hand over her face. "I was hoping you wouldn't pick that one."

"Why'd you put it in the pile then?"

"It was decent quality," she shrugged. "You liked all the green."

I laughed. "I look like a traffic light."

"A traffic light?" Lissa asked. Right. Not in my world.

"They're lights above the streets that direct traffic. They're red, yellow and green where I lived." Hm. _lived,_ past tense. It was true enough. I certainly wasn't living there now.

But now was no time to be getting homesick again. I didn't know if there ever _was_ a good time to get homesick, but it wasn't now.

"Is something wrong?" Sumia noticed my pause.

"Just thinking about home." I did my best to look more cheerful. No need to worry everyone. "It's a long way away, but I like it here too." Well, that was a bit of an overstatement. Don't get me wrong, I was ecstatic to meet the Shepherds, but even magic was not enough to replace modern technology.

"Did you get any back-ups?" Maribelle changed the subject. What's this? Maribelle was being _helpful?_ My surprise must have shown on my face, because she hastily defended, "I don't want you stealing mine again!"

I put my hands up in surrender before she could start whacking me with her parasol again. "Alright, give me a minute." I went through the pile of things I'd tried on, grabbing some dark gray pants and two more shirts: one long sleeve with a furred collar and the other sleeveless. There; Now I'd be prepared for all weathers.

"This enough?" I asked.

Maribelle gave an accepting nod.

After paying I headed for the door. "Back to the palace?"

"Not quite," Sully responded. "We still have to get you some armor. Do you have any preferences?"

"Something light." I didn't even need to think about it. As nice as being properly protected would be, I needed to be able to move quickly, and I wasn't very strong. Anything beyond the minimum would probably weigh me down.

"Leather armor it is then." Now Sully was starting to look more enthusiastic. She lead us out of the shop onto the street before she stopped. "Olivia?"

"Y-yes?"

"Which way is the armor shop?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter got cut off halfway through because it was getting too long. I suppose I could have kept writing, but enough happened in the chapter already that I think it's alright to stop here, no?
> 
> I am terrible at keeping track of in-story time. Has it been a week since the last time the Shepherds got paid? What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? (Elephino) But it seemed to be about time so I stopped caring. 
> 
> I realize the blood-red skin hex came off as a little problematic, what with skin color being such a sensitive topic nowadays. It was not meant to be any kind of racial issue. Just an entertaining inconvenience and a way for Tharja to try to get back at Merra for all the time she spends with Robin.


End file.
